Archive for November 2006

Points of Order

November 30, 2006

1. Email account is overflowing. Shaddup. Im getting to you. I just get tired quickly and umm, HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!! To be honest, im only bothering with who i feel like right now. Bore me and ill bin you. word.

2. The link in the last post was to     www.prontocondoms.co.za   its NOT about toys stephs. Its way more fun than that.

3. I forget the third one. Im tired. Night.

ps hello all the new peeps from tephs blog!

pps thanks tephs, my statcounter blew a gasket. you sen over more people in one day than even TSSH managed. HAHAHA those TSSH bitches got OWNED by someone they snarked.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Advertisements

Back to the Crap

November 29, 2006

For the past few days I have been spinning out friends with THIS.

Go watch it.

Every single person has just said “no way!”

I want a box just to play with. They are so cool. If anyone else wants some, let me know. R58 for a pack of 9, which translates to about AUD10.

Steph darl, perhaps your toy collection could come in handy for this?

Or is there a bunch of men we can line up?

It reminds me when I lived with my girlfriend, and we used to put glow in the dark condoms on all the bananas in the fruit bowl.

It used to freak out the randoms we took home for a shag when theyd walk into the kitchen to get a drink.

Its just not what youd expect to see fruit wearing. Well, not in any OTHER house. 

Someone Slap This Bitch

November 29, 2006

There is a girl out there somewhere who needs help.

Let me demonstrate.

THIS is the email that I got on Monday. (identities changed to protect… well… to protect ME really, from receiving abusive emails) Please, restrain yourselves.

From :  FUCKWITS REAL NAME HERE<itallionstallion699@*******.com>
Sent :  Monday, 27 November 2006 1:20:57 PM
Subject :  Good news!!

To all my horny friends;
I have finally decided to ask my beautiful, sweet angel to marry me. I have put my heart on my sleeve and asked her saturday night.
We have set a date and the wedding is november, 2007 also there is a little INSERT FUCKWITS REAL NAME HERE on the way.
So any lonely ladies out there who would like to have a final go with the italian stallion, ring me.
my new number is 0416 *** 533
Look forward to hearing from you xxxx

Lists

November 29, 2006

Im shocking at making lists. I have a list in my head of Lists I need to write.

Well, NEEDED to write, its not like it matters now! Boo-yah!

I guess the FIRST thing i should do is have a list, ANY list, that starts with Finish Writing This List.

 Anyhoo

So Mia, who’s grass is looking pretty green lately, had this on her site that she stole from elsewhere. So I stole it from her. I thought it would be good to see what Id done from this list, and maybe it would help me write my list of things I want to do.

Maybe you guys could help me. Spend a spare minute if you have one of writing a few things YOU would want to do in my position. Ignore the cost/time/logistics issues and just spill it. Even if your exact items arent right for me, maybe they will jog my memory. Coz the last thing I want to do is get to the end and go “OH SHIT! I FORGOT ********!” I mean, that’d really shit you, right?

So here we go. I suck at technology and the bold/not bold thing isnt working, so ill just cross them out instead, mkay?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving (IM WORKING ON IT< ASSHOLES)
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (So in-progress counts, right?)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat (“FFS. If it runs & we can catch it, we’ll take a bite of it. Hell bru, it dont even have to RUN”)
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad – and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (Tits do that, see)
150. Saved someone’s life

Honey Update

November 27, 2006

So I write this sitting in hospital breathing better air than all of you.

See, I AM more important than you all. I get the good air they keep in reserve for the special people, while you are all forced to breathe the average stuff, plebians that you are.

On thursday night things looked very bleak indeed. Friday saw it get even worse, with doctors not wanting to show off their ‘skillz’ and actually being reserved in their statements.

Time frames were bandied about, and “no guarantees” became the catchphrase of the day.

Things now are looking up a little.

Brace yourselves.

As it stood on Friday, i was looking at a few weeks spent in hospital, and a grisly end to it all.

Now, it seems the weeks extend past Christmas, yet probably not to my birthday. However, a fair chunk of this time should be able to be spent outside these walls. It will hoever, involve masses of time spent inside them, and an awful lot of rest, quite a few sacrifices of pretty blonde virgins to the pagan gods, and ill never win lotto coz all my luck will be used up on this. Which is ok, coz if i won lotto Id never be able to spend it, and it would end up being lft to some cat shelter or summin.

Why am I still blogging?

Because as you can imagine, my head and my heart are full of mess, and blogging has always been my way of clearing the mess, and seeing through all the bullshit to find the clear path that will get me through the latest catastrophy.

There is much i havent written, and this post has been done in 3 parts already, because I tire so damn quickly right now.

So heres the plan. Im going to keep blogging the crap out of my head. I dont have time to waste, and if blogging gets rid of it, blogging ahoy!

I am going to do as the namby-pamby councillor suggested and compile a list of thigs i really want to do/achieve/whatever before its too late. This is NOT coz she suggested it, but because it will help me work out how the fuck i will manage to do it. Any tips on how to skydive with an oxygen tank will be greatly appreciated. Ta muchly.

So for now, its the mundane things like wills etc, and consolidating my financial position to make the transition smoother. I have decided that Bugalugs should continue as normally as possible. I really think stability and routine will be best for us, and Id appreciate any differing opinions to be kept to yourselves. No offence, but Im his mum, I know better than anyone else how to help my son. Which reminds me to interject just here to issue a warning:

ANYONE WHO WANTS TO CONTRADICT MY CHOICES, OPINE ON HOW IM DOING SHIT WRONG, WHATEVER, CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

Remember how your mum always said “when you grow up and get your own house/kids/whatever, you can do things how you want, but until then IM THE BOSS”???? Well, im going to say…. “when your dying, you can do shit your own way, but until then SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCHES!”

So for now, its all about me, and all about Bugalugs, and the time I have left will be spent the best I can. Im not saying im going to do a good job of this, i always fuck shit up, but Im not going to stress about it.

I have what time I have.

I will use it the way it gets used.

It will be the best I can do given the circumstances.

And I will be gratefull for what I can.

Anything that goes wrong, or that i miss out on, whatever, its just the way it is, and I will NOT use my time pining over things that ARENT, when I could be having things that ARE instead.

That said, all pining, bitching, moaning etc will be done here, so as not to impinge on my real life, and to get it out of my system ASAP so I can get on with the good shit.

Dont get me wrong, my blog has become part of my real life. Ive met some of you, become friends with some of you, written and spoken with some of you…….. and even those who I havent, every now and then one of you makes a comment, or says something on your own blog that makes a difference to my life. Varying degrees, but you made an impact. Thankyou.

————–

Just for once, Im lifting the ban on mushy stuff. Some people need to say it. If it makes you feel better go ahead. Just preface it with the fact that its mushy. Ill read it when I need a cry. Sometimes a cry IS necessary. Even if it does give you panda eyes.

And for all those who have personal contact with me, I only have my work number available. Please text, not call, and i will call back when I can. I am spending alot of time sleeping, and have alot of calls to answer, and sometimes im not able to speak.

Fucking Fergie

November 22, 2006

Can god damn Stacy Furguson of Black Eyed Peas fame please learn the following lessons three……. (in no particular order, just learn them)

1. If your gunna spell things, make sure you spell it right. Since when does TASTY have a frikken “e” in it? TASTEY? Get fucked.

2. A SOLO Album does not mean you get your group to “collaborate” or “feature” or “have a hand in” what you do. Show em after your done and ask their opinion, sure, but SOLO means ON YOUR OWN. (plenty of other artists can take this lesson too. Yes Ms Stefani, I’m looking at you)

3. When in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE AND HEAR YOU. ’nuff said.

Ummm….

November 22, 2006

My lovely neighbour Mrs Mousse just came to the door. Her son’s T-Ball team is having a fundraising raffle. She thought I could do with some luck for a change, and gave me some tickets.

Well, it couldnt get any worse, huh?