Archive for June 2006

I’m Coming

June 30, 2006

Posts are being drafted. Hope to post tonight.

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MASSIVE

June 28, 2006

Its huge. I dont want to jinx it. I’ll be back soon. Wish me luck.

Dont Fret Pet

June 26, 2006

I have lots to say.

Much is happening.

I will post soon.

Im just waiting for a couple of things to finalise.

PS I have many pictures. Montage is imminent

This Will Need Editing

June 24, 2006

Fuck me, you know your in trouble when I title a post with a public service announcement!

But seriously folks……

I did it. I set criteria. It wasnt met. I gave bonus chances to redeem. They were squandered. And yes, to that person it willl seem harsh and unfair. But thats life.

Recently it has been harsh and unfair on me. I made an accusation of selfishness on their part and was met with the same in return. That may well be, but whereas 1 example was forthcoming on their part, mine had multiples, people, MULTIPLES.

And Im aware that you dont know what the fuck Im on about. Thats because it isnt finalised. It will be though. Today. Because either the penny drops & an assurance is made…….or not.

I cant do in the middle any more. Im not a patient person.

I admit to being high maintenance lately. Thats just me. 110% I am, in EVERYTHING, good and bad. If my needs are being met, Im sweet. You will be begging me to require more attention. If they arent, well, Im an attention junkie until they are. As long as I get my fix Im fine, just look the fuck out when Im craving.

My needs arent much. My WANTS are, fuck yeah! but my needs are surprisingly infantessimal in the scheme of things. But thats what they are. NEEDS. And they arent being met.

Im not blaming anyone. I dont want to. Blame means ill will. I dont want that between us. I said a long time ago that I like you so much that I cant stand the idea of not liking you.

I hate that this is in a state of limbo, half done, half not. I hate that there is still hope in me, a tiny & highly unlikely bit of hope sure, but still hope.

It hurt getting here. It felt awful. I didnt like it at all.

But the strangest thing is that here & now, at this moment, Im not really feeling anything

I worry that that says something in itself. And then I think thats a silly thought. And then I realise what its going to feel like when its done. And it makes me want to not do it, knowing how bad that will be. But Ive started it now. And I have to stay strong. There are so many reasons why.

I dont WANT this. I just cant see a way out of it. You know we've discussed it before. We've fought this fight before. Yeah we didnt lose, but we didnt win either.

And we just cant keep doing this INTERIM thing. Its not on, its not off. Its nothing and something all at once.

Its eating me alive.

Its making me be someone Im not.

Its making me treat you in a way you neither like nor deserve.

As much as I dont want to not like you, I also dont want you to not like me.

Help me fix this. Please. I want it fixed. You want it fixed. Please.

Its broken. And broken things either get fixed, or put in the bin. Thats just the way things are.

And I dont want us to go in the bin.

Stop

June 22, 2006

Its time for a few things to stop. And I know it all comes down to me putting an end to them. So here goes. One day at a time, one thing at a time.

So far, since Monday this week I have not smoked. (This may explain some things, huh) Ive quit before, its not really an addiction for me. More of something I pick up and put down again from time to time. I stopped while I was pregnant with Bugalugs. Ive stopped before that, and after. Why do I pick it up? Because I feel like it. I like smoking. Why the fuck would you do something you didnt get something out of? If there was no benefit to it, you wouldnt do it, would ya? So why have I continued even after being diagnosed with Lung Cancer? Because (a) my cancer wasnt caused by smoking. (b) as crazy as it sounds, smoking actually makes me feel physically BETTER, at least for a short time. (c) if I didnt smoke, the stress would kill me, or Id kill someone (male Im sure) who was stressing me, and prison isnt all its cracked up to be, apparently. Im sure I'll light up again soon, when i need to de-stress, chill, or just be able to take a breath without pain & discomfort for 2 whole minutes in a row.

So thats one down, next!

Now Im going to take a deep breath. Im going to make that call. As much as Id love to do it in person, as it should be, thats not likely to happen. And waiting is what got me into this mess in the first place. Its not going to be fun, nor easy, maybe even not possible at all. I dont know. It will probably go wrong. It is after all, me doing this. All I know is that stagnant and on pause is not an option. Its not fair, not fun, and not right. And it cant continue. Ive done all I can, and waiting more isnt going to change a thing, and its not right to be asked to. So Im making the call, telling things how they are, and waiting. (hardy har har har) But with a definate end point in sight. Because all thats happening is damage. And I dont want this damaged.

And if I manage to get through all of this, next on the hit list is being Superwoman. Its just not possible. And Im sick of failing at impossible tasks. All I can say is: see above.

You idiot Honey.

Why didnt you see that before?

And people say blogs are pointless. pfffffft. Right there people, there was an epiphony, right before your very eyes. Dont say I never do nuttn interesting around here.

Newbies

June 22, 2006
22nd June 2006
Country  State/Region  City  ISP
  Num City Region Country Name  
drill down 38
drill down 20 Melbourne Victoria Australia Australia
drill down 9 Sydney New South Wales Australia Australia
drill down 8 Brisbane Queensland Australia Australia
drill down 4 Penrith New South Wales Australia Australia
drill down 3 Manchester England United Kingdom United Kingdom
drill down 2 Tokyo Tokyo Japan Japan
drill down 1 Canberra Australian Capital Territory Australia Australia
drill down 1 Cologne Nordrhein-westfalen Germany Germany
drill down 1 Wichita Kansas United States United States

WTF is unknown???? Are these people on the moon? I mean, c'mon!

And why am I so popular in Melbourne lately? Is it because you know Im heading down there soon?

SH, I see you bumping the UK numbers. But where have the rest of you gone?

Tokyo? WTF?

All I can say is, how cool is it that Someone from Wichita, Kansas was here today?

What is striking me though, is 2 things. Firstly, one of the blocked IP Adresses is still showing. And secondly, why today, and plenty of other days recently have my regular readers in some particular countries not shown up? Whered ya go? Are we playing hide n seek? And thirdly (yes I know I said 2 things, kiss my arse) I really hate this 100 limit to the log. It makes it very hard to look up certain peoples activities, and know if their reading or not. So if you are, and you know who you are, can you please say hi? I miss you.

Put Another Way…..

June 22, 2006

So here it is. I blog to empty my head. Here, I sound like a whinging pom. Constantly crying woe is me and how hard my life is. So freakn what? You dont like it, leave. I didnt ask you to read this, and no one is making you. Sheesh.

I blog it all here so as to not put in on the people I know. It gets it out of my system. It means that in real life I can continue being the freak I am. The one who has terrible things happen to her and turns around and cracks a joke 3 seconds later. Its what keeps me strong. Its what lets me cope. Its what makes it so that I can be me.

Yeah Im having a hard time right now. Yeah I often have a hard time. Yeah i know how that sounds. Yeah I know it must seem to ou all that I  make mountains out of molehills. Whatever. Believe what you will.

Dont tell me what I put here is bullshit. Dont tell me that I exaggerate. Dont tell me that Im a drama queen. And dont tell me that I am WEAK. Feel free to think it. If you want to be an idiot, thats your perogative.

Meet me in real life and then tell me that. Find out the full story behind what i write here and then tell me that. Live it a little bit and then tell me that.

Dont send me emails berrating me. You want to call me a liar and tell me others in the blogosphere think like that too? Fine. Grow some balls and say it here. If Im so pathetic, STOP READING ME.

I may be pathetic. But who the fuck spends their valuable time reading the rantings of someone they think is pathetic and a liar? Who goes out of their way to contact them and tell them that not everything revolves around them? Who asks a blogger to stop writing their blog? What am i, your fucking home page? Why click the link if you dont want to read it? Seriously?

No wait, your right. I have it all wrong. I should stop what Im doing, and leave bloggsville just so as to not offend your sensibilities. How selfish of me was it to stake a claim on this tiny bit of cyberspace. I should know better than to annoy you by making it so that when you typing my url into your address bar and click "go", you get directed to such a shoddy site. I should be more considerate. I should be ashamed of myself, its true.

Oh, and worst of all, I havent done as you suggested and gotten a life.

Because having a life would mean I had something better to do than get in the way of yours, which is so obviously bursting with excitement that you have no time read a crap blog like mine FIVE OR SIX TIMES A DAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY.

You fucking retard, you think I dont know? You think Statcounter tracks everybodies activity on this blog except for yours? Fucking spastic wanker. Go check yours. Am i accessing your pages? Am I sending you email? Do I have suck a lack of excitement in my life that i am posting an entire entry about you? (oh fuck. oops)

Magtig! Jou n blerrie hondenaair.

Bite me, bitch. I aint going nowhere. Not least because you told me to.