Archive for the ‘WTFness’ category

Fuckers Are Messing With Me

January 30, 2007

So welcome to my 3 new arrivals to the blog. That I know in real life. Two I helped, one found it herself (little miss smarty pants).

Thankyou Dickhead for pointing out the error in my last post. And thankyou for lying to me just to see my reaction. And please kindly tell me next time it IS your finger in my ass and you choose to “just see what youd do” when you dont admit it. You. Sick. Fucker.

Can the person who said they cried twice in one night reading my blog please not? Its not that bad, surely? No seriously, what I wrote about you was not supposed to do that. And either was the bit about dying. Im here now, lets just enjoy that, and worry about the rest later, mkay?

And as for the one who said he sat there crying like a bitch – suck it up baby and get me my coffee! Cmon, the only thing you like more than my sexy arse is my smart arse!

That new ad with Sigrid freaking thornton? Whom i hate? Your WRONG biatch. Most Smoking related illnesses are NOT slow and painful ways to die! Its freaking FAST! Didnt you read my “facts” post? Theres something thats NOT “whats good for you”. Fuck off. You Suck.

What the fuck is this new andrew okeefe show? Rich List? This has apparently been on before? Shows i dont watch much tv, hey. What I want to know is, if those 2 guys have supposedly never met before, why do they dress in tandem? And how flamingly gay is the skinny one? And how weird are his eyebrows? And does he get his make up done by bert newtons makeup artist? And if so, why? Actually, WHY is a very apt question to ask about the entire show. I dont get it. I know i didnt watch much, but still. And why is the skinny guy trying to jump n hump the fat one all the time? I didnt hink even gay men liked strange men jumping all over them. Particularly ones with bert newton makeup on. On national tv.

96.1fm i love you but that K-Sera girl fucking pisses me off. Stop talking about your “home boys” and your “peeps”. You sound like a fuckwit. And interviewing and editorialising are two COMPLETELY different things. Look one up. Id suggest looking them both up but im not sure you can spell. You make me cringe. I get gangsta speak. I like rnb, hip hop and rap. i like crunk. i know who tupac and biggie et al are (and am aware of the hilarity of using et al in that sentence). I know you do. But you sound as try hard and ridiculous as those callers “giving a shout out to all the 2142 boyz, representin it yo!” K-Sera, i may be wrong, but behind all that “frontin” and “representin” you do, you can construct a coherant sentence. You can use words that arent monosyllibic. I think you may have gone to school. Uni even. So please, your not fooling anyone. You arent black, your not from detroit, and you arent tough. In fact, when I hear you speak, i get visions of you holding something small, cute, and fluffy. And liking it.

Im in a weird place. Stuff is happening. And not happening. And my brain wont think, the fucker. Id give alot just to be able to think again. I dont like not being smart. I know many of you wouldnt believe it, but im actually clever-like.

Well.

I was.

Cancers a cunt.

and normally i dont even use that word.

on a side note, the arabic seems to suddenly be sinking in. weird.

maybe it was all those fucking UBER hot lebbos I was hanging out with on sunday morning. phwoar! i mentioned my little addiction to dickhead, and how hot those arabs are, and all he did was laugh. the little fucker didnt even offer himself up for me to satiate myself with. damn. damn his frustratingness. damn their hotness. and by that i mean GOD DAMN!!!! lol. those lips, those eyes, those muscles, those accents, that confidence……

ehem

yes mr-you-know-who-you-are, i do remember your saying. this leb constantly tells me that i dont know how hard it is being a leb, having to film it everytime he fucks, so that at the end of it he can share it with his mates…….. a copy for each defence lawyer.

A Return to WTFness

January 29, 2007

Ok. So.

WTF is with these trends lately? Who the hell wants sunnies that are bigger than your goddamn head? You are NOT a blowfly. Take them off, you look ridiculous.

Why oh why do I continue to do it? I know you are a stunning handbag. I know I just HAVE to have you. Even though you are TOO SMALL TO FIT ALL MY SHIT IN. Each time we meet, I buy you, trying to fool myself into believing that a smaller bag will make me carry less stuff. It doesnt work that way though does it? No. Then I have to go out and buy your big brother or sister. Which just makes me take EVEN MORE shit with me wherever I go, till I get to the point where I want to buy a smaller bag so I will take less stuff. And the cycle begins again. Gucci, you are my nemesis. And really, I mean lets face it, we all know I’ll end up leaving you in the car most times anyway and cram shit in my jeans pockets, and wander around with phones and keys in my hands, coz i dont like carrying handbags. I just like that you look pretty and you are mine. (as you soon will be, yes im talking to you, you cute little tan JAG thing that I saw recently but didnt have time to stop and get, I will have you, you know its just a matter of time)

A while ago I was complaining about the pink shirt on men thing. I dont like it. Unless your olive skinned and have plenty of confidence and charisma, and even then it doesnt always work. Honestly, Ive only ever seen this look carried off by a few arab and mediteranean men. But then, you men had to go and do the popped collar thing. SIGH. You make me want to act like an old woman, run up to you, turn down your collar and berate you for not having dressed yourself properly. Your making me feel old. Stop it. It feels like its only a matter of time before im asking if you have clean undies on, telling you that your pants could do with an iron, and licking my thumb to clean your face. I have repeatedly thanked Dickhead for not succumbing to the “pop your collar” trend. I thought we had suffered through enough mens fashion fuckups for the year, but no. Apparently you had to completely outdo yourself. You had to try and compete with the whole stretched lycra no-my-balls-arent-squished-enough-please-make-it-tighter monstrocity of yesteryear. Thats right. The fashionistas have decided its cool to get droves of boys to sit with a bowl on their heads and let drunken, acid-fuelled blind men come at their hair with whipper-snippers. I mean cmon! (*does layton hewitt hand thingy like a retard*)

And why are we still getting more and more franjipanis on our cars? You look like fuckwits. Complete fuckwits. Is this the new handicapped sign? Is the little blue wheelchair one for people with physical problems, and the franjipanni for those who are just plain stupid? Personally I dont think you deserve a better parking spot for that. Perhaps directions to the nearest cliff would be better? Do us all a favour – FUCK THEM OFF! Oh, and a special note to the girl i was following yesterday – franjipanni seat covers are not tres cool coz they go with the stickers on your car. Its too much, mkay? Way too much. Just like your lip liner. You are not a blow up doll. You do not have a mouth like that. Although I do see how people may get confused, but last time i checked the RTA wasnt handing licences to inflatables. But then, they’ll give those things to anyone nowadays. Perhaps Bugalugs’ bllue dinosaur could be my cheauffer? hmmm, ill have to look into that methinks….

And while were at it (ranting I mean) to the retard who abused me for braking on the freeway  – thats what happens when you ride my ass with out asking. You ignored my polite slowing down to give you the hint. You ignored my flipping the bird to you in the mirror. You got what you asked for. I really thought I was doing you a favour. You guys like to ride us girls asses – arent you always asking us to participate? to buck back? I need a new respray on my rear bar. Bring your insurance details. Im happy to play it that way.

Oh and Mcdonalds? FOR FUCKS SAKE LEARN HOW TO MAKE COFFEE.  I am sooooo hungover this morning and no i cant manage to get out and walk so drive thru it is. And your the only cunt whos anywhere nearby. But this shit you sell – its ridiculous. You cant coulour the water brown and call it coffee. Coffee has a kick. Coffee wakes me up. Coffee makes me stop groaning and mumbling and feeling like someone rode an ostrich over my belly and had a rhino shit in my head. I dont do hungover. Get your fucking act together.

June Dally Watkins didnt cover this….

January 29, 2007

So then, Ms Queen of Manners for Every Situation, what does your finishing school have to teach us about the correct ettiquette for every situation in this mornings lesson?

Dont have anything planned?

Want to take questions from the class?

You do? Excellent!

Then tell me, Ms Watkins, I discovered that my vibrator has dissappeared. Uhuh. It has! Its not where I keep it! I checked in the bed, looked under the covers and all the pillowy goodness, and nuthin! I got down on my hands and knees and peered underneath the bed on the floor, still nuttin!

So tell me, how exactly do I ask my 6yr old son if he has taken his mummys favourite toy?

You know, without telling him what it is, scarring him for life, or possibly alerting him to its presence if he doesnt actually have it?

Go on. Tell me that.

Please! Wont somebody think of the children?

January 12, 2007

THIS guy did. Thank the lord. sigh. religious people are so amusing sometimes.

I actually found out about this guy from another wordpress blog, but i have forgotten who it was. If its you and you managed to stumble accross this post, leave a link – you were a funny bastard!

Anyhoo….

October 15, 2006

So a few strange things have happened in the last couple of days. Its making me wonder what the doctors are medicating me with.

Anyhoo…

I was proposed to. NO, seriously. I was asked to be a wife. To give up working and be a kept woman. To move to a seaside town and live in a huge house and be taken care of. And it was a serious proposal. Im not joking. Its just a shame I had to say no.

Anyhoo……

I recieved a rather irate email about the post “Hilariousness Ensues.” It was threatening and derogatory and very strongly worded. Part of it said something about that if i had ever actually MET a muslim i wouldnt be so disrespectful to their religion. So Im guessing the wanker doesnt read me very often, coz its not like ive been partnered with one for the last forever, is it? Nah, course not. And we all know that ive never actually MET Dickhead have I? He’s all a figment of my imagination, hey? And what about Elly? And the Turkish Delight? And the Builder Brothers? And a few others who are yet to appear on here individually instead of as a part of “my Boys”? No, ive never actually met a muslim. And im sorry, but i thought i was jsut saying what another website had said – not coming up with stuff by myself. Silly me. These drugs are apparently better than i thought.

Anyhoo…..

I wore pink today. No the sky isnt falling, although i can see why you would ask. Because the sky falling is much more likely than me ever wearing pink. But there you go. And its girly pink too. and it has pink lace. Only a tiny bit, but its there. Its the first pink thing ive worn since I was 10.

Anyhoo……

One of the guys in here and I have really hit it off. He spent a couple of days back home with his family, and whilst there, sent me a short video message on my phone to say hi and that he missed our chat. In the video he was naked, holding his cock, and blew me a kiss. I kid you not. Some of you may even be lucky enough to get to see it and laugh at it too. Yes, there were closeups, and no, they werent necessary. Although I laughed, nearly snorted coffee out my nose in the process, started slack jawed and bug eyed at the screen in shock, and wondered what the fuck the correct response to that message was, part of my brain was able to get through the shock and function normally, and what that part was saying was PHWAAAARRRRR!!!!  (Fucking hell Im not happy with this fasting thing, that made me HUNGRY….)

Anyhoo……

Shock of shocks, Dickhead finallysaid he was getting rid of that tree for me this week. Hooray! Not only that, but he is lending me his boys for the day to tidy up my yard. Woo Hoo! Because the last thing i wasnt is to go home and find that a bunch of snakes have decided to make my backyard home. So between Dickhead and his boys, the list of things I cant manage for myself might actually get a few things crossed off! I mean Ive only been asking Dickhead and my boys to help me out with these things for, oh, just over 18months! Some have been on the list for over 4 years, but whos counting? Little buggers – they can get me to help them with their stuff, but helping me with mine seems to start with a beer, and end with nothing getting done. So this time, im hiding all the brewski’s till AFTER the shits been done. FACT.

Anyhoo….

I have alot on my mind, and alot on my plate. And hospital things have been turned up to 11, because im trying hard as I can to be done by sunday which is Bugalugs’ Birthday. The Tuesday after is the end of ramadan, so I want to be able to get one of Dickheads big hugs without dying (he wraps me in his arms and holds me so tightly I cant get a breath in to fill my lungs – and I love it) because after a month without them, which just happens to coincide with a month of being in hospital, a hug is first on the order of business if you ask me. Then I just wanna kiss him. Then Im not telling you what I want to do next!

Anyhoo…..

Hilariousness Ensues

October 12, 2006

And I havent even been drinking.

Earlier, I was continuing my timely attempt at learning more from the Qur’an & the Torah, when I turned to teh interwebs to look something up…..

I never would have guessed it but yes, there it was in black and white, they were using EMINEM to explain Islam. What. The. Fuck? I submit the following:

EMINEM: “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?”

ISLAMIC PROMOTIONAL WEBSITE: “Will the real Al Aqsa please stand up?”

Evidence HERE.

ALLAH’s WHACK Y’ALL!    WORD!

le sigh

NB: It is also a trip to bizzarro world to be simultaneously reading about moses/mohammad/my guaranteed one way trip to purgatory in EVERY religion there is, as well as the latest peice of lesbian erotica as penned by my girlfriend.

Post Script #1

My girlfriend has been published a few times. Shes rather good. Shes also A lesbian, yes, hense the lesbian theme of her work – she writes what she knows.

Post Script #2

I needed something uplifting. My blog (like my RL) has been far too depressing of late.

Post Script #3

No I will not elaborate on the context of my use of the word “girlfriend” in this post. You’ll all just use your imaginations and make it dirty, whether it is or not!

Trying Very Hard To Post

October 5, 2006

But its hard. It isnt normally. As you can tell by the shithouse standard of writing displayed on this site, I usually sit down, log on & tap away for 5 – 10 minutes, and press ‘publish’. Its that simple. I really do use this blog to empty my head. And right now my head is a mess. I know, I know, it usually is. But now its more so. Its like Im in thick fog. I cant seem to focus. I cant concentrate. I cant manage a coherant train of thought. Its most disconcerting. Although friends will tell you I often dont make sense when Im speaking to them, I always make sense to myself. Not right now though. Half way through a sentence I get brain freeze and forget what I was saying. Its frustrating. At the moment things in here are not going so well. Therapy has been stepped up. Aparently me going all aggressive at the doctors saying I didnt want to stay in their poxy establishment until the end of time seems to have offended the sadistic little fuckers, and their getting me back, and how! Its painful, and its exhausting. Its stressful and makes me sick. I also spend hours and hours in bed, which is even worse because theres no playing up……. So a few brief notes on what im up to, hopefully it will inspire me to write properly later. If not, it will at least serve as a memory jogger. And if I know anything about anyone, a bit of a conversation starter too. Look out email account, its gunna get hot! *checks her phone batteries are charged* *********************************EDIT********************************* STUPID FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING WANKER FUCKING WORDPRESS FUCKING GREMLINS FUCKING ATE THE FUCKING REST OF MY FUCKING POST THE FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

and im too frikken tired to redo it. i did it all too. properly even. and it was good. just for once. fucking fuck fuckers.