WRONG

Its all wrong. Completely fucked up. I give up. I cant do it any more. Theres only so much I can do, and ive done it all and then some. Theres only so much I can take, and Ive taken twice that much.
I was so wrong. I believed things that werent true. I trusted in things that werent real. I had faith were faith should not have been.
Its not just a surface thing. It runs deep. To the core.
MY BELIEFS ARE WRONG.
All of them. Everything. I cant see a single thing I was right on. And it hurts. Bad. Because not only is my faith in that gone, my faith in everything is gone, including my faith in myself.
I didnt ask for it. I kept it to myself. Because its obvious I was never going to get it. And what it was, is not what people think. I never spoke it to anyone except myself. And its gone, and taken so much with it.
Stupidly I trusted in my convictions. Like an idiot, I believed a lie. MY LIE. My idea that I knew the truth, my truth.
MY TRUTH WAS BULLSHIT.
So here I am, sitting at this computer, writing to no one in particular, because I just cant keep it to myself any longer. I admit it. I was a fool.
Blindly I followed my heart, my soul. Certain I would not be led astray. And the whole time I have been on the wrong path, heading in the wrong direction.
I was so sure. So many lessons learnt. So many ideas considered. So many paths tested. So many conflictions debated. Countless proofs experienced.
ALL FOR NOTHING.
Because, in one evening, everything I have ever been sure of, everything I have ever believed, has been shattered.
And Im not exaggerating that one thing and saying its my everything. That one thing was simply the last straw. The last piece of the puzzle. The one that didnt fit and made everything else worthless.
You may not believe, or agree, or whatever – and you’d be right to think that way because obviously I have been proven to have no clue whatsoever – that Im an idiot for this, but here is my insides on show……… this is what I believe, how I live, how I think:
For many reasons, this thing was a pivotal point. There are people who come into your life for a reason. There are things that happen to you for a reason.
This person had 2 reasons. Both were obvious from the beginning. I saw them straight away. Firstly, to test a lesson i had already learnt, to make sure Id learnt it well. Secondly, to make sure it wasnt learnt TOO well, and to ensure it hadnt undone another previous lesson.
The first lesson I had learnt properly. I just hadnt learnt to APPLY it.
The second, well, the jurys out on that one.
So maybe its my fault, just in a different way to how I thought it was.
Im going to go cry myself to sleep now. night.

Its Such A Mess

Im patient. No Im not. Yes I am. No, Im angry. Calm again. Numb. Dont give a shit. Given up. Hopeful. Resillient. Dumbstruck. Desperate. Determined. Defiant. Hopeless. Understanding. Sympathetic. Strong. Weak. Numb again. Exhausted. Furious. Embarressed. CONFUSED.

Cant make up my mind. The for’s and against’s are stacking up equal. The scales are balanced.

Choice 1 is something i dont want, and would be a terrible travesty, and complete waste. But it feels almost inescapable and inevitable. In a way, it would be an admission that many things I hold to be true are not.

Choice 2 is truthfully what i want, but am too scared to ask for, because the reality of being denied once my soul is laid bare would be a blow I know i could recover from, but really dont want to have to. Not again. Not now.

To be honest would be to accept a huge risk. To keep silent would be denying myself the opportunity.

I dont jump in because its so unlikely to eventuate. I dont walk away because there remains the possibility.

So here i stay. Hurting some, but not alot. Playing it safe, but with no chance of winning. Knowing you have to be in it to win it.

I keep telling people to step up, or step off. So why cant i do either?

More About Me

Ok, so today (and tonight in particular) has been a BITCH. In the extreme. So instead of whinging, or competing for the title of “most swear words used in a single post”, I’m going in a different direction. However, I reserve the right to come back later and go mental if I feel like it, mkay?

So in the peanut I fondly refer to as my brain, I have been pondering the things that make me, me. Its quite a list, let me tell you, and not all of it is pretty (unlike me, who is of course gawjus and totally hawt. LOL)

On the plus side (because who the fuck wants to admit theres a minus list? oh yeah, me.) we have things which have good AND bad bits, yet on the minus side, its just all crap. Why is this so? (yes, i did use to watch that curiosity show. Dont tell me your too young to remember it, coz if I can, I’ll bet you can too. no I dont have the t-shirt, god, im not THAT sad!). So anyway, back to the attempt at being positive, upping my mood and diverting myself from the point where i want to commit murder……. and here are some of the good bits Ive come up with.
* I ALWAYS smell good. No matter what. And I’d better considering how much funding goes into it.
* I dress well. Except when working on cars. Or painting. But apart from that, I get plenty of compliments on my attire. Thats something to be proud of I reckon. And its not all about the shoes, although thats where most my disposable income goes, and for good reason! I have plenty of FANTABULOUS shoes. (yes that is a word when talking about my imelda marcos obsession)
* I’m a supportive friend. No matter what the time, weather or traffic situation, if a friend is in need, they call, im there. Its just that simple. Everything from child-minding to breakup consoling to “can you pick up…. for me?” to a well-needed gossip to wingwoman to moneylender to car repairs to well, anything they ask. If its humanly possible, and occasionaly when its not, I’m there.
* I give great advice. I suck at my own life. CLEARLY. But when it comes to others, I’m the advice queen. Dunno why, but I have a knack for sorting out everyone elses lives. Now if I could just figure out how to ask myself for some……
* I’m a good mum. I wouldnt say great. Theres stuff I really want to do better on there. But bugalugs is a REAL handful. But I do my best. An other mums I consider great think I do a great job too. And they all admitted defeat in the search for ways to control him ages ago. I dont do too bad, really. He’s a good kid at heart. When he’s not awful, he’s a LEGEND. And when he’s awful, I dont completely screw it up. And I’m still trying, and learning. And I do HEAPS better than alot of others in similar situations. Its OK, I’m not perfect, but Im pretty good, and still trying to do better.
* I kick arse in my work. Absolutely. Its all word of mouth. Never advertised. But I’m about to. Oops, I just let the cat outta the bag, huh. More on the business front soon.
* I dont fuck other people up. Im not a bitch. I dont screw with people. I dont hurt them. I dont lie to them. I dont go out for revenge when wronged. Even after a falling out, I remain loyal. I dont spill secrets. I dont speak ill of others unless unavoidable. (ok I do here, but its anonymous) and I dont let others speak ill of my friends in my presence.
* Im Miss Giggles. DH bestowed that title on me. Its better than a similar one I used to have, so it replaced it. I’m fun to be around. This is something Im probably most happy with. Even at the lowest points in my life, I make people laugh. Theres a story there with Foof and her “prickle stick” running down the middle of the road in the early hours of the morning to defend me. That was a low point, and within 5 minutes of the events conclusion, i had her in stitches.

All of those things have bad bits to them. But just for once, Im not going there. Im leaving this on a positive note for a change.

To witch, I will add this tidbit:
Bugalugs is getting good at speaking the taal. He has an active interest, and thinks its cool. It sounds so cute, you have to hear it to believe it. I’ll leave you with his favourite word for the day: “baie dankie”

sent by a friend

A friend emailed me. It contained THIS. And for the beginners, yes, DH is Lebanese. And so is the guy who sent this – so dont even START on the racist thing…..

*sigh*

So juvenile. Yet it made me laugh. Maybe it was just the south Efrican. bloody tease! I CAN say African!!

So, George, how did you enjoy your first reference in my blog?

HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS

just when you thought things couldnt get any more weird with me, check out the email that arrived as i was pondering a HUGE question with MFC on msn just now……

HUNNY Presents. . .
FREEDOM DAY – SOUTH AFRICAN NIGHT
Celebrating South Africa’s Freedom and Democracy
Further information visit: www.fuelent.com

Note too, party people, that one of my favourite DJs, DJ Lenno will be playing too. If ever i was lost for sumthn to do on friday night…….LOL.

Still the point was, and still is, thatyet again coincidence, fate, or just my freaky shit has come into play again when faced with something i dont know what to do with. MFC, I guess right there is your answer.

voices

not the voices in my head. im talking about MEN. (back to the favourite subject i see, honey).

some men can make me MELT just with their voice. tamagotchi was one. hours upon hours on the fone late at night, all through the day……sigh. dont even START me on accents……. Then, you get the ones who can sing……mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!! some artists i find SEXY AS ALL FUCK and could listen to forever if i didnt have to get out of bed (ahem) are

you wanna make this girl happy? right thrrr^^^^^ is your instruction manual. well. the 1st page anyway. take a look here for something a bit meatier (dont pardon the pun, i like alot of meat….lol)

debates

i am currently debating things within myself

pertinent things to this blog would include:

1. whether to fuck off the pseudonyms. they WERE to protect the innocent, but everyone has been found guilty. this would mean using first names and nicknames instead of abbreviations. PROS this would make the blog much easier to read as well as write. this would make me sound alot more coherant. this would mean i could use the blog to 100% of its intended purpose. this would mean i would feel better and finally have some relief. this would make me happy. CONS this would possible irritate 1 or 2 people (who would get over it). this would mean no turning back. this would mean people could see ME, the whole ME, and thats scary. this would mean doing explinations of some things im not completely sure i want the entire universe to understand (because of course, the whole universe stops to read my blog). this would mean people in the real world who stumble across this blog would know me better than they may want to.
2. i have finally gotten my finger out of my arse and am now focusing on getting my business running properly. im even planning on advertising. its this whole new concept, people! up until now, ALL my business has been word of mouth. which although nice, is restrictive when you want to fuck the bastards off, because invariably they will bitch about you to another client…….sigh. assholes. POINT BEING however, that this will require a trading name. possibly even the tiniest effort from me in establishing a Pty Ltd, because until now i have been a sole trader under my own name. kinda bodgy looking though in the fast and furious world of corporate finance. so yeah, any suggestions re a name for either company or trading would be most appreciated. a happy dance could even be arranged for a successful suggestion.
3. using spell checker. this would take me longer but at least it would pick up my typos and stop me from looking like a try hard wanker. i do know big words. i can spell them. im just lazy on here. same goes for
4. punctuation. fekkn shift key. dont like, dont like.

oh yeah, and thanks for the comments and emails re the braveness of me posting my pic. yes that is my eye. dont poke it please. it hurts. doesnt make baby jesus cry, but oh well. im sure you’ll find something else that gets to him.

sharing the laughs

so me and MIN have amused ourselves on many a drunken evening with the smurfs song (which if i could get to download properly i would SOOOOO turn into my ringtone, its just that funny)

but also, we often turn to THIS (under Australian, UK and US #1 Hit Singles Archive (1950-2006) ) and have a giggle at the number one hit the week we were born. for some of our friends its been very apt. others its just sad. most are funny.

the worst bit is when you spot a song youd rather have……….damn it parents! you fucked up AGAIN!

try it and let me know. for the record………..

Honey
Oz = Crazy Little Thing Called Love – Queen
UK = Atomic – Blondie
US = Crazy Little Thing Called Love – Queen

Bugalugs
Oz = Beautiful Day U2
UK = Beautiful Day U2
US = Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You) Christina Aguilera

MIN got the good one. bloody FUNKY TOWN!!!!!!!! how apt is that??? funny biatch lol

trawling through other peoples lives

so on stephs blog (see the sidebar – im too lazy to link here people) as i was snooping through her drawers so-to-speak, i came across a blog on her blogroll called “byrons not a turtle” (also too lazy to link, try it from stephs). Now i havent peered into this blog yet (obviously im just about to, but already im in love. i think DH might be too when i tell him.

you see, for ages now, i have referred to him in real life with real life friends (as well as him) as “amasele”. (for all you people out there not as cleverer as me is, thats turtle in zulu).

Theres a story behind him being christened a turtle. all who know us can relate. long story short – think of aesop’s hare and the tortoise. Honey = Hare. DH = Tortoise (turtle/tortoise same shit, different flippery thingies…ooooohhhh look, me talk good now)

maybe its just my exorbitant ego (soooo need to utilise spell-checker) but Ive maintained from the outset that he is letting a good thing pass him by. hes not taking full advantage of the brilliant things available to him (ie: me, of course). This applies to other things too, but hey, this is MY blog and IM the centre of the universe here, so bugger off!

————–UPDATE————–

actually, that blogs rather good. think i will have to investigate further……….and i stopped being a lazy cow and linked it all for you. dont say i dont do nuffin for yas (is that enough double negatives?)

the list (one of them anyways)

Things Im Thinking Of Blogging

1. The most recent email from a stranger i recieved offering me $1,000 to let him fuck me (notice, let HIM fuck ME – so glad I dont have to do all the hard work there), or failing that (after my ever-so-polite response) $500 for me to just blow him (loving the word “just”)

2. Another recent email from a stranger who was offering to turn me into a “squirter”. PLEASE tell me i dont have to explain what this is. I just did that with someone I thought new better and it was a VERY weird conversation. If you dont know, visit your local porn site people! I guess the highlight of that was his point that 7 out of 8 women he had been successful with. was this a percentage he was quoting, or ACTUAL statistics? and if they were real numbers, how’d this guy con 8 women into getting nekkid with him?

3. The msn chat i had with THE MOST DEMENTED FUCKTARD LOSER i have EVER come across. (believe me people – that is saying something!)

4. My dilemma over whether i am already AM an alcoholic, or just someone who should be.

5. The sudden EXPLOSION of people who i dont know, who tell me people THEY know now read this blog. WHAT THE FUCK???
even my real life friends have trouble making sense of this. how can those with no clue who these abbreviations are and what all the code-words mean possibly stand to read my ramblings, dementedness and jibberish? kudos to RE for chosing the word jibberish to describe it, PIA for dementedness (is this even a word you blonde thing you?) and G4D for the ramblings thing.

and oh yes, theres a whole PILE of other stuff in my head but im waiting to talk it through with DH first. its still in a fairly raw state in my mind, and for some reason, i like using him as a sounding board. he sets my brain in otherwise unfollowed directions. its noice.

and on that note, just for a change (maybe even inspired by russell allen, just maybe) i thought id report something else on that front

DH did something really different today. he said something that really got to me. and it wasnt horrid. in fact – it was……….well…….it was whatever the word is thats the same level as horrid but in the OTHER direction.

see, its been so long that i cant even think of what the good words are to do a happy post. but i am happy. and singing the happy song. out of tune and sqeeky due to my godfather/chipmonk throat and almost non-existant voice, but still the happy song.

****grin****