Its all wrong. Completely fucked up. I give up. I cant do it any more. Theres only so much I can do, and ive done it all and then some. Theres only so much I can take, and Ive taken twice that much.
I was so wrong. I believed things that werent true. I trusted in things that werent real. I had faith were faith should not have been.
Its not just a surface thing. It runs deep. To the core.
All of them. Everything. I cant see a single thing I was right on. And it hurts. Bad. Because not only is my faith in that gone, my faith in everything is gone, including my faith in myself.
I didnt ask for it. I kept it to myself. Because its obvious I was never going to get it. And what it was, is not what people think. I never spoke it to anyone except myself. And its gone, and taken so much with it.
Stupidly I trusted in my convictions. Like an idiot, I believed a lie. MY LIE. My idea that I knew the truth, my truth.
So here I am, sitting at this computer, writing to no one in particular, because I just cant keep it to myself any longer. I admit it. I was a fool.
Blindly I followed my heart, my soul. Certain I would not be led astray. And the whole time I have been on the wrong path, heading in the wrong direction.
I was so sure. So many lessons learnt. So many ideas considered. So many paths tested. So many conflictions debated. Countless proofs experienced.
Because, in one evening, everything I have ever been sure of, everything I have ever believed, has been shattered.
And Im not exaggerating that one thing and saying its my everything. That one thing was simply the last straw. The last piece of the puzzle. The one that didnt fit and made everything else worthless.
You may not believe, or agree, or whatever – and you’d be right to think that way because obviously I have been proven to have no clue whatsoever – that Im an idiot for this, but here is my insides on show……… this is what I believe, how I live, how I think:
For many reasons, this thing was a pivotal point. There are people who come into your life for a reason. There are things that happen to you for a reason.
This person had 2 reasons. Both were obvious from the beginning. I saw them straight away. Firstly, to test a lesson i had already learnt, to make sure Id learnt it well. Secondly, to make sure it wasnt learnt TOO well, and to ensure it hadnt undone another previous lesson.
The first lesson I had learnt properly. I just hadnt learnt to APPLY it.
The second, well, the jurys out on that one.
So maybe its my fault, just in a different way to how I thought it was.
Im going to go cry myself to sleep now. night.

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