Archive for December 2005

that whole christmas thing

December 28, 2005

Friday 23rd. strange day.spent alot of time on email tag with RE. in a tizzy over someone who was playing.
Sat 24th. Xmas Eve. God you just have to hate xmas dont you? Spent the day at mums, and went out in the arvo to sort this thing with FGR seeing as how it was xmas and all. Now whos playing games? And how is that a game where anyone could win? And so im supposed to take it as a compliment? Get Fucked. Then after all the worry, ended up having to stay up till bloody 3.47am wrapping presents and running around the house in a red suit. Only to be woken at 5.48 by an excited little boy. God love em!
Sun 25th. Xmas Day. So the parents & sisters came round to see what bugalugs got from santa, and the girls took him out the front to draw all over the driveway and the street with his big chalk. Mum & Dad took him home for breakfast. So i went back to bed. Went to pick him up, came home and wrapped presents again. Headed out to the family things. Got home late.
Mon 26th Boxing Day. The Boys. Was good. Was the usual. Spent a while online and then left the boys to chat with Peit. They found DH online didnt they. Wasnt that fun to find out about afterwards. Not.
Tuesday 27th. Spent whole day recovering. Dealing with repercussions from the night before.
Wed 28th. Kept Bugalugs home an extra day and spent it at KWD. Had someone suddenly sit there and say a pile of stuff that isnt usually talked about. Really threw me. Especially after recent discussions and my feelings about certain things between us. Not sure what to think there. Its weird.
So theres the Xmas Wrap up from me. Thank God its a whole year until it happens again. On another note, i had AA turn up last night and add to her previous attempts at repairs. Seems to have worked wonders. Feel much better in myself, more like myself, am finding my strength again and feel a new sense of calm over the recent reopening of old wounds.



December 22, 2005

How can simple things get so complicated.

Not only does that person not know whats going on with me, I dont either. Me, for the record, appears to have gotten lost. Who is this stranger in my place? The one who cant decide, cant committ, and worst of all, keeps changing her mind?

And why does that person consistantly have that effect? How did i let them? And why wont they stop?

Im trying to be myself and committ to one choice. To jump head first, full ball into it, and just make it happen or not, but I just cant seem to do it.

The worst thing in all this is that my confidence is being eaten away. And if I dont have my confidence, what do I have? Because thats what makes me who and what I am. My faith in myself. And when you start questioning your faith in yourself, you know your in trouble.


December 22, 2005

When is a compliment not a compliment? When as soon as its said its diminished by another comment.

Now Everyone likes compliments whether they admit it or not. Some poeple are good at giving them, some arent. Some people give them often, some dont. Some people are good at taking them, some arent. Some people get them often, some dont. Some think theyre important, some dont.

The thing is, you never quite know how you or other people fit into these categories. And they dont always fit into the same category on both sides. I think there should be a compliment school. To teach how to give, and to recieve.

A well timed, well delivered, and well worded compliment is worth more than gold. It can instantly change somebodies opinion of you. It can guarantee you get whatever you want. It can give the reciever the boost they needed to be everything they can be for you.

In the past few days, 2 people have paid me compliments. One followed it with a smart arsed comment. One followed it with actions that spoke of its truth. My reaction to these people has been similar to the compliments they bestowed. The first has missed out on things he would have loved. The other received something from me he had wanted for a long long time.

It just goes to show, doesnt it.

And by the way, as for me, I think i give compliments well and often. As for receiving them, well, lets just say that when they open that school, I’ll have my tuition fees ready…….


December 20, 2005

This is a post I keep forgetting, and really shouldnt have. Its something Im very proud of and means alot, despite my crap attention span.

My youngest sister got her HSC results and did fantastically! With a UAI of 91.6 who wouldnt be proud? She has also made the honour roll in 2 of her subjects, 1 of those was biology, but I cant recall the other one.

Just imagine how well she could have done if she wasnt skyving off these past few months! Not that Im diminishing what she achieved – anything but. Im so proud and happy for her i could burst!

So kudos lil sis – its very much deserved.

take it from me

December 19, 2005

im crazy lately

i do know that

im sorry

im doing my best

and im not the only one letting people down

why are the smallest things people do the ones that get to you the most?

hows that song go again?

December 18, 2005

Lately there have been a number of songs that have been released that have spoken of where i am in my life. Of whats going on with me at that particular time.Its kinda like that previous post about ads on tv. Now i know im different in my views on religion, spirituality and all things divine(how could i be anything but different considering the hand i was dealt in that department), and im not being one of those freaks who believes in getting signs from the cosmos and all that crap. Im just saying that I think your subconciousness (on whatever level, spiritual or otherwise) at times reaches out to your conciousness. I dont think their signs put there by a higher power just for me to notice and take meaning from, but i do think that theres a reason why i notice certain things at certain times. And im starting to wonder if maybe i havent been listening as well as i should to whatever it is that i should be listening to. Because lets face it, things are a bit worse than normal for me right now, and im not doing too well at fixing it. I also think i might have made a large error in judgement today, and I may be aying for it sooner than i thought.

no translations sorry

December 18, 2005

For all who read my other site, yes i know about the last post, and no, im not translating the afrikaans. Some thoughts are just too sensitive to be read by all.
Quick updates:
Friday – ran around doing a million things, and prepping for saturday
Saturday – got up early to clean, after going to bed late, and spent the whole day doing stuff for DH. which is where the rest of the post comes in……
This post is going to offend people, so im asking that comments are either emailed or given in person. I know most of you do that already, but in this instance im insisting on it.Dont say you werent warned…….
So theres alot going through my head, not all of which will be put here, so dont think it has. Im just feeling really drained. Really used. Really underappreciated. Really unequal.
Not all his fault, but he does seem to be being the catalyst for alot of this lately, but i spent the day running around after DH yesterday. I brokered the deal to get his car lowered at bargain price, with extra benefits, and with brilliant workmanship, so we swapped cars for the day. I had also previously offered him an absolutely brilliant sound system, which had gone a bit awry, and so had offered to temporarily replace that offer by offerring him the new one i had bought, and said id install it on the same day. Note here that I had Bugalugs with me too, and itwas a bad day behaviour wise too.
After a quick change a couple of days ago with the head unit to make the deal more suitable for him than it was, another chance arose, so i offered, and he decided to go with my opinion. So I changed it again. More effort, more expense. So the original lowering kit looked crap, well, not crap exactly, but not up to my standard. So I changed it. More effort, more expense. And in order to get them to go that extra mile, had to shout all the boys there lunch, and do the lunch run myself in the work ute. And to get the big man to give up the better product, i had to do the fvour exchange – if he was working for free, i had to too. More effort, more expense.
So the head unit required 4 trips to purchase additional shit to get it to go right, plus extra fiddling. More effort, more expense. Fucking thing took over 2.5 hrs to install, not including time spent running back & forth, and all over penrith to find the bits i needed in stock. God it hurt to pay rrp for that stuff! Spacers to suit werent avail, so had to order in, and knew id have to tell DH i couldnt keep my word. Again. More effort, more expense, more time, and i was starting to feel sick with that knowledge of yet another time id let him down.
So in order to avoid throwing stuff, i drove his car around to a few contacts in order to pick up parts, get quotes, get it tested, and get detailed advice on specifics for the necessary upgrades. (that thing is a fucking dog). Particular items i had been assured were in had been put aside for me – paid for – but couldnt be found. More effort, more expense, more feeling sick that the surprise id said was ANOTHER thing that id be letting him down on. So after sorting numerous parts incl throttle body, exhaust, etc, took it to MrB to get the align/balance done right on the way back to his cousins. Got into an argument (not the bad kind) and was asked to put money on my side. Quite a bit actually. So more effort, and nearly a fucking shitload of expense LOL.
So i get it back to dans to use his tools, and replaced half, and cleaned up all of the AIS. About all i could do considering I was missing parts. More effort, more expense.
Took it down to MBP to get the lights sorted for him. Drama with a previous bodgy smash repair, and the original install of one of the lights. More effort, no more expense, but more sick feeling (not too much – this one wasnt my fault in any way – it was his but oh well)
Back to Finish this install, speakers in the doors a major bitch. The trim was a bitch to start with earlier. Things going wrong one after the other. Had enough. Rand him to say i couldnt take any more today, and got attitude. The beginnings of a guilt trip. Decided after that im definately not doing any more today. Had less than 2 hrs to put the thing back together. More effort, and since i fucked my nails big time, am going to claim more expense here too. bastard should have been nicer & more sympathetic, and more appreciative of the situation, and then i wouldnt have assigned him the blame. lol
All the while, of course, I had bugalugs, who was having a bit of a bad day, so was HEAPS more effort there, and more expense, and turns out that each time we went to a particular store the guys were feeding him jelly beans without me knowing, so as i went there for DHs car, im blaming him. Why not? lol
So a million phone calls, favours, trips around penrith & st marys areas, chipped nails, ruined polish, frazzled nerves, times spent yelling at bugalugs, times i made an ass of myself, stress levels through the roof, times i wanted to throw things, coins in dans swear jar (farkn farkn farkn) what was his response? Not much. Oh yes, he said thanks, but dont get too excited or grateful will you? And i apreciated him calling a bit later to say yes, he can feel a diff in the AIS, and what a great job my boys did, no mention of how good i did, or the amount of effort involved. Plenty however on hassling me to finish it on tuesday. Plenty on him having to go. Plenty on him being unimpressed with me failing to completely hold things together until he had left and J was sleeping. Plenty on how that wasnt appropriate with J home to be failing.
We all know how i LOVE to have people see me as less than made of stone. How i have no idea whats good for my own child. How I love to be told all this by people who dont have kids themselves, let alone kids like J. And how 1/4 doses of morphine are totally adequate to control the pain from my back, and fucking around with his car all day was actually good for it.
And none of this has yet mentioned my cousin, FGRs brother, FGR, my mahta, MIN, or any of the other things im dealing with, let alone the favours etc that i was asked by others yesterday, this is just 1 person who hasnt been a friend for that long.

Now can you see why im tired, grumpy, and feeling unappreciated and undervalued?

What do i want? Appreciation. Thanks. And for someone to be as good a friend as me and give me what i need. A refill. Because i think im empty. If im not, trust me, its all vapours now.