Archive for February 2006

today

February 21, 2006

today was a big day

i really want to blog it

alot is going on in my head

but right now, i think ill keep it to myself for a little bit. some things are good to have to yourself

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asking too much? part II

February 20, 2006

so.

progress. thats good at least.

i gave in and put his suggestions into practise. nothing eventuated even though it was promised.

oh yes there was an apology – quite a big one. and he did listen to my thoughts on it. he didnt offer an explanation (not really, no details, just something sketchy with the statement about if he could of he would of, believe him)

apologies are becomming a regular theme of our conversations. i want to accept it. im trying to accept it. im taking my faith in him and using it to adjust my thoughts to say that he must have had a damn good reason to let me down like that, especially considering the circumstances.

this however doesnt mean i cant be hurt or angry or dissappointed.

the worst part was that i gave him his requested chance to make it up to me. and he fucked it up. i know he tried. thats why i gave him the chance. i know he didnt mean to fuck it up. i gave him credit for not realising what a big deal today was, he is after all, male.

but how many chances does one person need? and how many should he get?

as i explained to him today…… theres only 2 ways to sort this. either i get over it, or he steps up and fixes it. He asked me to meet him half way. thats fair. i want it fixed, i do. i stayed up all last nite thinking of how to fix it. BUT……

* i have already adjusted the way i think on numerous things to accommodate him. much more adjusting and it will turn into changing myself, and im not doing that for anyone.
* i dont believe i am asking too much from him
* i dont believe im expecting more than is possible
* why should i be the one to keep adjusting? why cant he?
* i have more on my plate than he does, yet i can add to it for him, and not let him down
* why is it good for me but not for him?

he is important to me. i am willing to make accommodations for him. he is worth it. but how much is he worth? when does the price become too much? and is this how he feels? because if he does, i dont seem to be worth that much to him?

i guess i need to decide how much i WANT from him vs how much i NEED from him. Whether im going to get either. Whether getting what i need is enough to forgo what i want. Whether im willing to issue him with an ultimatum and risk losing it all. And how much longer I can let this continue without one before it eats me up.

Really – i think it already is eating me up.

And really – i think i just need some reassurance from him. not verbal – talk is cheap. I need action. And SOON. Like now. Because im terrified of issuing that ultimatum, and its getting to the point where thats all i have left.

so grown up

February 20, 2006

Bugalugs lost his first tooth today. it was disgusting. but oh so cute. his cheeky grin has a whole new slant to it. tonite the tooth fairy makes her first visit. another milestone passed. makes you realise a few things. not least of which is that time goes past – fast or slow, doesnt matter – the point is that it passes. relentlessly. makes you remember to savour it, because once its gone, theres no getting it back.

today, for more reasons than that, it seems particularly poignant.

G4D you will be missed, but i cherish the time we had.

that last post

February 20, 2006

fuck!

that went to weird places!

guess it just illustrates my point about no editing!

lol

a post inspired by RE

February 20, 2006

RE

who just discovered he exists. (on my blog at least – im sure he realised that he exists in the real world at some point previous to today)

who mentioned something about his blog this weekend that got me thinking (like thats a hard thing to do – but anyhoooooo)

this friend of mine was discussing the notion of killing his blog. his reasons are his own, and were explained to me, but shall remain between us. they arent important in the context of this blog (although even if they were i still wouldnt reveal them)

this got me to thinking about all the times i have considered the same thing myself, and even just deleting individual posts, and even just editing them afterwards……… something im sure everyone who blogs has considered, if not actually done (unless you are one of those mindless plebians who write nothing of substance, and therefore cannot have any regrets about content or the way statements may be percieved)

personally, i have made a promise to myself never to delete, or even edit a post once it is written. i go so far as to not even edit as im typing (hense the occasional incoherrant rambling) unless it has to do with spelling, grammer, or for readability (yes i hear you sniggering)

obviously i am aware as i write that others are going to read it (see last bracketed comment for example) however i do my best to not let this influence what i write, or how i write it. RE and i discussed a fellow blogging friend of his who deleted a post because of how he thought it would make people percieve him. Im quite sure that people get the wrong impression occassionaly from what i write here, just as they do from having a conversation with me. not everyone can articulate themselves exactly the way they want to 100% of the time, and even if they could, you just cant account for how the other party will take it. there WILL be misinterpretations. i especially wonder about this occasionally in relation to my blog because the majority of the time i am using it to express how i feel – something that is never particularly easy to do.

sometimes i wonder how people take my posts (some in particular). sometimes i dont give a shit. most the time i simply feel that whether or not the reader understands me, takes it the right way, or even bothers to get all the way to the end (i know – i talk alot) that those friends who read this know me well enough to understand the basic sentiment behind it, and know i am a good person regardless of what i may think or feel at the time of writing, and those who read that i am not friends with, well, i dont really care – thats not my problem, its theirs.

i try hard to write my blogs when i FEEL something. if thats a nice feeling, or one of those ugly emotions to me isnt important. the main purpose of this blog is for me to express how i FEEL. sometimes i feel good. sometimes i dont. i personally dont think either side of the coin is better or worse than the other – their both things we all experience, and are as valid as each other. i live by my heart. emotion and instinct are what drives me. that doesnt mean im not intelligent – i am. i simply feel that emotion is what drives us, makes us who we are, inspires the decisions we make, focuses our thoughts in specific directions. and just as people express their mental thoughts as reasoning behind their actions, i express my emotional thoughts as well.

more than once someone has come to me after reading my posts and told me how they didnt understand why i did something. until they read this. and realised that my behaviour, although crazy to them at the time, suddenly became clear, because they could see the big picture. just as i could. because sometimes………..theres more going on with people than you realise.

and as i keep saying, as i believe in, and live my life by, NOTHING in life is insular. its ALL connected. whether you see the ties or not, they are there. i guess this blog simply helps to show where i make those connections. and these connections arent something that i want to hide. these are the things that show how my mind works. how i feel, and how i think, is what makes me who i am.

which i why i wont delete them. as ugly as they get, they are still me. and finally, im not ashamed of me anymore. not a single part of me. not the whole package. im not hiding any more. like it or not, this is me. im not changing for anyone besides myself. if this blog opens a discussion about whether one of my choices is right or not, thats fine, go ahead. im not afraid to challenge myself or what i believe. i welcome it. because either way, i either prove to myself my choice was right (for me) or i learn i was wrong and am given the opportunity to improve. BUT – it wont be you who makes that choice, it will be me. because at the end of the day, im the one who has to live with it, so i sure as hell better believe in it.

asking too much? or settling for too little?

February 18, 2006

A very dear friend, one of my boys, G4D, passed away after a motorbike accident this week.

This post is in relation to ONE persons reaction to this event, because as my boys know, THEIR reaction is at the moment too hurtful and anger-inciting for me to blog about.

i have spent the week since my friend had his accident crying out for some attention, affection, support, and most of all – a hug and some comfort and no one has given it to me.

now i know DH has been REALLY flat out at work and he lives a fair drive away (hes at A, im at B – 40 mins or so each way

so G4D’s accident was sunday (i didnt see DH on sunday) DH came out for a business meeting on monday arvo which i went to regardless of the fact that G4D died 30 mins before, and i had only found out 15 mins before he got here to pick me up

so after the meeting we squeezed in a coffee b4 having to pick up Bugalugs from school, and i told him. he was a little annoyed i didnt tell him when he arrived so we could cancel, but i didnt want to burden him and i could handle it so i waitied till the meeting was taken care of, then told him

so i then saw him on thurs for a coffee where i pretended i was fine and told him i was pretending, because he asked why i was so normal instead of falling apart (I must admit – i have been falling apart – G4D was VERY close to me). He had been calling me alot even though he was exhausted, and i will admit to snapping at him a bit and taking things out on him a little – maybe even more than a little

so friday he came up here, and we did some business stuff together, went and got Bugalugs, and he went to go home. at which point i got grumpy because i still hadnt gotten my hug or any comfort (u know how us girls need a cuddle somes)

my point is – even for a guy, even after being told flat out mon-thursday nights and days on the fone that i wanted “some comfort and a big hug” is the excuse he gave me valid, or a cop out? his excuse was that he fucked up, didnt think of it etc.
i will admit that after he left i rang him as he drove down the street to yell at him for being so insensitive and me going hugless and hung up on him…
his response was to turn around and drive straight back, walk into my house, found me in my room curled up on my bed and forced me to talk it out with him, and apologise – apologised quite a bit for him.

i spoke to RE about this tonight, to which he responded: u want something, ask him. if you want a hug and he’s in the room, bloody say so

but my point was that i stopped the mind reading thing by telling him for 4 and a half days that i needed a hug and for someone to spend with me and comfort me. even he admits that he knew exactly i wanted, and the second i started yelling at him on the fone he thought “SHIT – IVE REALLY FUCKED UP BIG THIS TIME” even he knew immediately he had done wrong

my point all along was that i had been asking ppl for that, those closest to me, and noone had done it. i just wanted someone to give me i needed, without having to remind them every 2 seconds. just to receive a bit of what i give them repeatedly

Is it really too much to ask that someone give you what you need and want from them without having to repeatedly remind them? I fixed the usual complaint about us girls not telling you what we want, so how can the ‘Im male i cant read your mind so tell me’ card still apply after that?

dreamtime

February 18, 2006

dont know if ive told u before about my weird dreams – that somes i have the same dream over & over during the and it always comes true (honey the prophet). these are usually not just dreams and i have learnt over the years to tell the people involved, knowing that yes i come across as insane, but also assuage my guilt in the event of the dream turning into reality

so last night i had one with DH in it. he was standing outside a house (im assuming he was at work) and talking to a guy. a guy in a bright red shirt. this guy had bad aura like nothing else. everything screemed at me “BEWARE”. i just couldnt shake the fact that he had an ulterior motive – that he was saying to DH wasnt true – he was manipulating him to get he wanted, and in doing so was seriously fucking up MY DH. (protective mother hen emerges again)

so this morning i rang him. was like 7.30 or something. it took DH a while to get back to me – 9.00 it was. so i told him about my dream and warned him to be careful. im sure he thinks its crazy(i dreamt once before that he was hurt at work and yelled at him to be careful – nothing happened and im sure he thought i was silly – never mind that maybe he was fine BECAUSE i warned him).

so i told him anyway. 9.30-9.45 rolls around and weve been chatting the whole drive to work. He rolls up – and theres a guy standing there with his boys in a red hat & bright red shirt.

im thinking now he thinks im not the nutcase he first assumed.

either that or i am – and an even freakier one than he first thought