Archive for September 2006

For Those Not Retarded Like Me

September 29, 2006

Yes, I am now in hospital. Permanently. Until this bitch fucker cancer is gone, and I can walk up a flight of stairs without having to stop and catch my breath.

Estimates are bullshit. I spent 8 months of my life in hospital in the nineties. Im SOOOO over them. I am someone who when they say hates hospitals, i mean i HATE hospitals. It will NOT take me as long as they are estimating to get better.

Its Bugalugs’ 6th birthday on October 22. Fuck the 6month guideline, Im gunna be out & partay-ing, shaking my groove thing and getting slammed on cordial & jelly babies, got it?

And to all those who doubt me, I say:



Bugalugs First Excursion

September 29, 2006

So yesterday Bugalugs had his first ever school excursion. Well, actually thats not entirely true, he got to wander up the road to a nursing home and sing for the old people a few months ago. It says alot about THAT excursion that the only 2 tidbits of info he volunteered about it were that a) there was 2 cop cars that blocked the main road in each direction for the kids to cross safely, and their lights were flashing, and b) he was allowed to drink red cordial.

Red cordial for a bunch of kindy & 1st grade kids? Fucking hell their not just senile, theyve completely lost it!

But back to the point, THIS excursion was ON A BUS!!!! Excitement plus for the poor little bugger who wants to know why we drive everywhere but the welfare bogan spawn at his school all get to go on buses and trains to visit relatives/do the shopping/score visit mummy & their 4th new daddys “special” friends. His little voice on the phone yesterday morning as llama dropped him off was shaking he was that psyched! It hurt to not be able to be there, but I guess being there for all the rest instead will make up for that (note to higher power, it fucking better mate, coz that was frikkn harsh).

So after his day-long outing to some lagoon ive never heard of (despite knowing every half decent place around here) to dip-net for bugs (wtf?) Llama brought him in to see me, and i swear he was so happy he was floating. So was I after hearing that the one child to fall in the river was NOT my child (lost me $50 but I’ll forgive him, just this once!).

Then he pulls up his school bag and tells me to close my eys, he has a surprise for me. I did as i was told, and being the smart arse I am told him that I hoped he hadnt brought any bugs home with him (he is a boy after all, and definately THAT sort of boy). He got all upset and yelled at me for peeking!!!! A few minutes of laughing and promising I didnt peek, and I told him I just didnt want him bringing home bugs because they would get dead, to which he said “but its already dead mum, so thats OK”


Sigh. Thats my boy. Always got a freaking answer.

Then he proudly presented me with something to keep next to my bed to remember his excursion by………….

Yep, I thought so too, until he popped this on the bottom of my bed. What a good kid. Knows just how to impress his mum, and make her feel better.

Bugalugs' Bug

That Biscuit Pic That Wouldnt Load

September 29, 2006

Dont you just want to be bought one of these? I loved it, even if it did taste like crap.

elephant buiscuit

Bears Arent That Tough

September 28, 2006

Mine is actually pretty soft & cuddly under all those muscles and tattoos. Today I got more than one lovely compliment from him. Hes been a great friend through all this. (even if it DOES scare me a bit that he and Dickhead are becomming all chummy-chummy without me being privy to anything they say, AND despite the fact they are now ganging up on me and playing tag team – WHOLLY unfair guys!)

So today I was feeling a bit crap about how Im feeling and looking. I need a haircut, its a mess, and I cant do it properly in here, and even if I can, lying in bed gives you bed hair no matter how much product you use. My skin is awful (this from someone who was never a pimply teen, and never had a blemish, nor ever needed foundation – I am the envy of all my girlfriends). After every treatment I get bright red and splotchy. My skin has irritations and comes up in a bit of a rash sometimes too. It burns and itches, and is allover NOT SEXY. Im dry in some areas and oily in others. sigh. I’m a mess. And overly sensitive to just about everything. The concoction of drugs Im taking (and the stress) is making me moody. SERIOUSLY MOODY. PMS is nuttn on me, and pregnant hormonal women are in awe of my superior moodswings. Menopausal woman applaud me in the street. Its that bad. Which is great in that tiny things can make me happy as a pig in mud. But equally, when I feel bad, which is how I am far more frequently, it quickly turns into a bad depression. And lately, Ive had some serious issues with myself. Which is very unlike me, (ive usually got such a massive ego I need taking DOWN a couple of pegs) and has had friends quite concerned. So Bear took a photo or two (or more, who knows, hes a sneaky prick with that camera phone) and as I lost an argument, my punishment is putting it up here. I cant say Im that upset though, he was right. I dont look as bad to others as I do to myself right now. Im still me. I can still be me. I always will be me. And thats good to know.

Honey 280906

btw they are bruises on my chest, ive not gone all radioactive coloured for our amusement. their from dickhead last thursday. and shut up. it was fun at the time…………

Not Stolen from Russells Blog a.k.a. Recent WTF Moments

September 28, 2006

Some of these have accompanying photos, but not all, coz you just cant go around snapping pics of everything goddammit! Specially when you live in Bogan Central Western Sydney.

1. Whilst driving down Cantebury Road the afternoon after our defeat last weekend, a shabbily dressed guy casually walked barefoot down the centre of the road oblivious to traffic, all the while shaving with an electric razor. One can only wonder WHY. (and be suitably impressed with his brave lack of footwear in a public location in such an area)

2. This crap photo actually shows a real life bogan’s car. No, that thing in the centre of her rear window is NOT yet another corny bumper sticker, its actually a newspaper headline STICKYTAPED, YES STICKYTAPED to the rear window. It is actually the announcement of Steve Irwin’s death. Lovely. Just whats missing from my car!

Steve Irwin Bogan Car

3.  The 2 dogs who were out sans human yesterday morning and crossed the road at the pedestrian crossing whilst the lights were red for cars. How smart were those flea ridden strays? What kind of neighbourhood is this hospital in? And how often will things like that be happening outside my window? And how long will it entertain me for? (answer tot he last question, about 3 minutes – its very dull here)

4. The fact that, whilst in hospital, should I wish to bugger off for half the day or even a night, thats fine. All I have to do is check with my doctor first, and let the nurses station know where im going & how long for. If you give them your mobile number theyre pretty much fine with anything. All this (and trips to various spots around the grounds) is done under my own steam. But should I need actual medical shit (fancy that – in a hospital of all places!) i must either a) be IN my bed, not just sitting on the side, or b) take a ride in a wheelchair. Once they wanted to wheel me bed and all, but thats just freaking too fucked for me! I have legs goddammit! Im not dead yet!

5. The fact that nowhere, not by plane NOR train can anyone book a ticket to melbourne for the past couple of days until saturday afternoon. Fucking AFL supporters! And do you think that Azzurro can get a cheper ticket from Melbourne to Sydney seeing as the trips back are all but empty? Dont be ridiculous!

6. Bugalugs was with me as we stopped off at a bakery on Tuesday. He stole money out of my car to buy me this biscuit. **stupid picture wont load** Can you yell at your thieving son for stealing money when they do something that sweet? Nup. Can you yell at them when they go back to steal some more to buy themselves one too after the fuss mummy made about it being so damn cool?

7.  The stupid retarded coppers who brokedown on the side of the road, called a tow truck for their Higway Patrol Vehicle, and then had THAT tow truck break down and block traffic. A second tow truck was then called, which loaded the tow truck first, then made room for the other towie and ONLY ONE OF THE COPS in his cabin. The other copper walked off up the street. Time this amused me for? about an hour and a half. People visiting me whose entire visit was conducted by the window for regular stuck-cop-updates? 4. Number of visitors/nurses who looked out and had a laugh? About a dozen.

8. Somebody texted me. I replied. Then they asked me who I was. I told them, and called them an idiot for a) not knowing who i was, b) for not knowing who i was and texting me, and c) for obviously having deleted my number from their fone. He called me back and said he never messaged me, hadnt deleted my number, that the number that appeared on his fone was not one of my phone numbers, and that I was insane. WTF???? I checked – my number showed up right when I sent myself a text, and yep, there was definately the text i thought id received from him in my inbox. So im not going nuts. SO THERE. *Honey blows big rasberry at him*

9. My PDA is full of porn. GAY MENS PORN. It doesnt leave my side unless its turned off (and then i has a password before it will allow access). Noone else can figure out how to use it (except dickhead, and then only to take amatuer porn photos and last time I checked I was still a woman) second brackets (no Imelda, not the last time, this was a whole other episode of arthur hardy photos, but not arthur – there were lots more taken and all were of his big brother!) third brackets (sorry for the TMI. at least im not posting them up here…..yet) fourth brackets (sorry mum, Im not like that, no, really, Im a good girl!)

10. The naieve young guy who chatted me up on the weekend at the beach, surrounded by male friends, with a 5 year old tugging at me saying “muuuuuuuuum” who then 15minutes later asked if I was a virgin saving myself for marriage. Sorry, didnt realise my name was Mary.

11. The person who when I said I was actually rather into Dickhead, and not going to go fucking other men whilst he was observing ramadan, asked me if Id just blow HIM instead, coz then its not cheating, so long as HE didnt touch ME or pleasure ME in any way, it was fine. ummmmm, Dickhead, what do you reckon babe? (I can hear him frowning in incredulance from here)

12.The person who asked if my hospital stay was because I was pregnant to Dickhead. Can you IMAGINE????? A mini dickhead around 24/7? FAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKK!!!!!!! Oh hell no! Thats enough to keep my hands to myself for QUITE A WHILE. Toeyness during ramadan may have just become a non-issue! Who said there was no 100% effective form of contraception?

13. The person who asked me today what I was doing in oncology, because “isnt that for uncles, like?”

14. The person who called out to their devil spawn named Todd Lerone who was running riot (theres sick people here dammit!) about a bazillion times in a very nasal whine, boganly promising to kick him in his arse till it bleeds amoungst other charming threats (including the obligitory “ill frikkn belt ya, I swear”). My girlfriend MIN came in to see me in an unusualy long space between curses, and upon hearing its mother call out again, turned to me and said “that sounds nice”


Min explained that no, she didnt like the name, nor the child. She thought the woman was saying Toblerone, and thought that sounded yummy. I agreed, it did. So we went and got one, advising the receptionist on our way out. And I carried her newborn baby, snuggling and cuddling the whole way there and back. Used my own arms & legs to do it too.

Hooray for post-baby-birthing-uber-crazy-hormoned-blondes and me being allowed to hang out together and converse. We’ll take over the world with our smarts, we will.

Someone REALLY needs help.

September 27, 2006

I thought loser like this usually went to B-Grade porn movies for instruction, but it seems Google is the new instructional tool. Personally I would have thought it obvious, but this guy needs help.

Now Im not a man, and dont have a penis, but I think Id be smart enough to figure out how to fuck a woman in the arse, should the need arise. But then, Im a woman, and therefore have a genetic predisposition to be more intelligent (blog posts not withstanding).

Quick, someone get a hooker for this kids birthday!

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September 26, 2006

How much am I loving Numbers 19 & 27? (the elephant being my spiritual animal)

It actually goes up to #74 but, well, this stuff gets confusing! I speak 4 languages fluently, and have a pretty good grasp of 8 more. Arabic just will not go into my head. I thought the structure of Japanese was difficult, but arabic speach patterns are mentally insurmountable to me. Maybe Ive just reached my language limit? I cant remember words for more than about 2 minutes, and as for pronunciation? Lets just say I’m the BEFORE in My Fair Lady.

Amazing Facts about Holy Quran

1. How many Surah are in Holy Quran ? 114
2. How many Verses are in Holy Quran ? 6666
3. How many dots are in Holy Quran ? 1015030
4. How many over bar (zaber) are in Holy Quran ? 93243
5. How many under bar ( Zaer ) are in Holy Quran ? 39586
6. How many Raque are in Holy Quran ? 1000
7. How many stop ( Waqf ) are in Holy Quran ? 5098
8. How many Thashdeed are in Holy Quran ? 19253
9. How many letters are in Holy Quran ? 323671
10. How many pash are in Holy Quran ? 4808
11. How many Madd are in Holy Quran ? 1771
12. How many words are in Holy Quran ? 77701
13. How many parts of Holy Quran ? 30
14. How many time Besmillah Al-Rahmaan Al-Raheem is repeated ? 114
15. How many Surah start with Besmillah Al-Rahmaan Al-Raheem ? 113
16. How many time the word ‘Quran’ is repeated in Holy Quran ? 70
17. Which is the longest Surah of Holy Quran ? Al-Baqarah
18. Which is the best drink mentioned in Holy Quran ? Milk
19. The best eatable thing mentioned in Holy Quran is ? Honey
20. Which is the shortest Surah of Holy Quran ? Qausar
21. The longest verse of Holy Quran is in which Surah? Al-Baqarah No 282
22. The most disliked thing by the God though Halal is ? Divorce
23. Which letter is used for the most time in Holy Quran? Alaph
24. Which letter is used for the lest time in Holy Quran ? Zaa
25. Which is the best night mentioned in Holy Quran ? Night of Qadar
26. Which is the best month mentioned in Holy Quran ? Ramadhan
27. Which is the biggest animal mentioned in Holy Quran ? Elephant
28. Which is the smallest animal mentioned in Holy Quran ? Mosquito
29. How many words are in the longest Surah of Holy Quran ? 25500
30. How many words are in the smallest Surah of Holy Quran ? 42

You can find the whole thing here