Archive for January 2006

religion is a dirty word

January 29, 2006

i know alot of people think my weird stuff is bullshit. i know that. i also dont blame them. it is a difficult thing to explain. its long, complicated and is based in ideas that many gave up on hundreds of years ago. I also know that sooner or later, those close to me see things of my weird crap that defies explination, and leaves them with the inescapable fact that perhaps its not so crap after all. I dont know if this simply offends their preconcieved notions, makes them doubt things they had held to be true, or causes them to in some small way re-evaluate their own beliefs, but it does cause confusion, and cant be denied that there may just be something to it.

Usually the smart ones simply decide that their own beliefs hold the “correct” story, and that mine, whilst at least logical, is nevertheless wrong. that i simply believe the wrong explination, yet the results remain the same. this way the proven truth of the matter is undisputed, and the faith parts are not tested. because that debate has raged forever, has never been proven, and probably never will be. (it can also cause arguments which lets face it, no one can win, so why hurt a relationship with something that can never be resolved?)

dont get me wrong, im not saying my beliefs are right and theirs are wrong. or vice versa. i would never suggest and view was right, simply that this is what i PERSONALLY hold to be true. those close to me know that i consistantly adjust my beliefs. the way i see it, there is always new things to be learnt. the more you learn, the more refined your beliefs become. i take note of what all the people whose opinions i value believe, and each of those believes something different. i find it amazing that in almost every religion (i really hate that word) the central message is the same. the differences are in the telling of this message, and the stories that surround it. to me, these “details” arent that important. this is regularly reinforced to me by the number of arguments these different details cause. how many times have you seen people who essentially believe the same things, argue over the small stuff? i dont see how those small differences matter. i think theyre actually a good thing. they keep you thinking, questioning and evaluating your own beliefs. i dont think that believing in something because you were told to is EVER a good idea. intelligent people listen, then decide for themselves. and making decisions requires you to question, and questioning things is never a bad thing.

so why do some people persist in finding those small thing to be the biggest deal?

those friends who are giving me the most grief at the moment are those who share the biggest similarities between their core beliefs and my own.

alot of the crazy bits that i am getting grief over at the moment are not things i am usually into. they are things i turn to as a sort of “last resort”. im not sure how i sit with these things, but have had way too many experiences to discount them. i know they work. i just havent decided on what i believe as to HOW they work. that they DO work is a fact that even those friends cannot dispute. only the how and why. to which i finally get around to making the point of this post, which is…..

does WHY and HOW even matter?



January 28, 2006

i believe your soul speaks to you. thats the voice you hear in your head. thats who you talk to when you talk to yourself. thats the thing that stops you from doing stupid things at the last possible moment, and that pushes you to do the things you think later “gee, i dunno why I did that, but i sure am glad i did”. there are lots of times when your soul speaks to you. I have learnt to listen.

then there are times when your soul screams at you. says things no one else can hear, even when you think theyre so loud that others simply MUST be able to, because you cant hear anything else.

its like when your mother calls you in that special voice she reserves for when your REALLY in deep shit. you can pretend not to hear her all you want, but your whole self – mind, body and soul – is on edge, knowing you cant avoid it, its coming whether you like it or not. whether your ready or not.

sometimes you continue to hide. to pretend you didnt hear it. and live waiting for it to come back and get you, you know it will, its just a matter of time.

sometimes you bite the bullet and face it. get it over and done with. out in the open, where you can face it, come to terms with it, and move on, for better or worse. sometimes its a sore arse, sometimes its just an earbashing, and sometimes it wasnt a problem at all. then theres the times where it was a “wait till your father gets home” kind of thing.

its the not knowing i found the hardest. i could never reconcile myself with the uncertainty. i hated never being sure if i was going to really cop a hiding & feel like my life wasnt worth living………… or maybe it was one of those rare times she used that voice just to tease, and really she had some fantastic surprise for me that i was missing out on by hiding from her. (to this day, with the childhood i had, i still dont know wheher this was her attempt at making things up to me, or just another cruel torture she had dreamt up)

so now, as an adult (so it says on my drivers license anyway) i have trouble with the not knowing.

20 days

January 26, 2006

20 days since my last posting.

i do have an excuse.

the wolves have been howling.

and i havent trusted myself to be here, exposed, in their presence.

however i have resolved myself to make a concious effort to return forthwith and resume my duties, wolves or no wolves.


Can you hear the cogs turning?

January 5, 2006

So much to think about. The events of the last 2 days have been surprisingly involved. Its opened up alot of things to be thought about and discussed. So many phone calls. And a long coffee. So much has changed………

im still here

January 4, 2006

ok so its turning into a weekly blog instead of daily lately but hey – its xmas and new year! cut a girl some slack!
so where was i up to?
Thursday 29th – cant remember now
Friday 30th – did a bit of running around. spent hours on the fone to MIN. had DH round. then had a weird night. waaaaayyyyy too many beers. but then, when isnt there?
Saturday 31st – drove to ILGs. Did the nye thing. PF came out YAY!!
Sunday 1st – continued the nye thing. got massive bruise. No idea how. Drove back and spent the night at KWD. took PF with me. very tired. lol. Spent arvo and night worrying about relos at umina with the fire – turned out ok.
Monday 2nd – PF having fun. had to change schedule but oh well.
Tuesday 3rd – strange day. even stranger night. boys came for dinner with PF, then took him to the pub. BL came round. had DH on fone. VERY WEIRD CONVERSATION between the 3 of us.
Wednesday 4th – Spent the day at home cleaning and doing those boring things. Was chatting online alot. Specially with DH and BL about that fone call. sigh. more strange things. and not all good either.
not really in the mood to spill any more today. see how i feel tomoz