Archive for the ‘Religion’ category

I found it

January 31, 2007

I have been sent countless emails with links to the “lebo thugz” video on youtube (yes the one on the news) and numerous other ones that are similar. Mostly from my lebo friends.

However, today, I got one with a “response” clip attached. Funny how its my skip friends who are circulating these. lol

Im thinking its the best one ive got so far. Let me know if you have a better one.

So, lebo thugz, where the bloody hell are you?

(thankyou to the imbicile who txtd me to say “pack raping lara bingle – explains why noones heard from her in a while” your a goose!)

Im going straight to hell

January 16, 2007

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.

Please! Wont somebody think of the children?

January 12, 2007

THIS guy did. Thank the lord. sigh. religious people are so amusing sometimes.

I actually found out about this guy from another wordpress blog, but i have forgotten who it was. If its you and you managed to stumble accross this post, leave a link – you were a funny bastard!

Anyhoo….

October 15, 2006

So a few strange things have happened in the last couple of days. Its making me wonder what the doctors are medicating me with.

Anyhoo…

I was proposed to. NO, seriously. I was asked to be a wife. To give up working and be a kept woman. To move to a seaside town and live in a huge house and be taken care of. And it was a serious proposal. Im not joking. Its just a shame I had to say no.

Anyhoo……

I recieved a rather irate email about the post “Hilariousness Ensues.” It was threatening and derogatory and very strongly worded. Part of it said something about that if i had ever actually MET a muslim i wouldnt be so disrespectful to their religion. So Im guessing the wanker doesnt read me very often, coz its not like ive been partnered with one for the last forever, is it? Nah, course not. And we all know that ive never actually MET Dickhead have I? He’s all a figment of my imagination, hey? And what about Elly? And the Turkish Delight? And the Builder Brothers? And a few others who are yet to appear on here individually instead of as a part of “my Boys”? No, ive never actually met a muslim. And im sorry, but i thought i was jsut saying what another website had said – not coming up with stuff by myself. Silly me. These drugs are apparently better than i thought.

Anyhoo…..

I wore pink today. No the sky isnt falling, although i can see why you would ask. Because the sky falling is much more likely than me ever wearing pink. But there you go. And its girly pink too. and it has pink lace. Only a tiny bit, but its there. Its the first pink thing ive worn since I was 10.

Anyhoo……

One of the guys in here and I have really hit it off. He spent a couple of days back home with his family, and whilst there, sent me a short video message on my phone to say hi and that he missed our chat. In the video he was naked, holding his cock, and blew me a kiss. I kid you not. Some of you may even be lucky enough to get to see it and laugh at it too. Yes, there were closeups, and no, they werent necessary. Although I laughed, nearly snorted coffee out my nose in the process, started slack jawed and bug eyed at the screen in shock, and wondered what the fuck the correct response to that message was, part of my brain was able to get through the shock and function normally, and what that part was saying was PHWAAAARRRRR!!!!  (Fucking hell Im not happy with this fasting thing, that made me HUNGRY….)

Anyhoo……

Shock of shocks, Dickhead finallysaid he was getting rid of that tree for me this week. Hooray! Not only that, but he is lending me his boys for the day to tidy up my yard. Woo Hoo! Because the last thing i wasnt is to go home and find that a bunch of snakes have decided to make my backyard home. So between Dickhead and his boys, the list of things I cant manage for myself might actually get a few things crossed off! I mean Ive only been asking Dickhead and my boys to help me out with these things for, oh, just over 18months! Some have been on the list for over 4 years, but whos counting? Little buggers – they can get me to help them with their stuff, but helping me with mine seems to start with a beer, and end with nothing getting done. So this time, im hiding all the brewski’s till AFTER the shits been done. FACT.

Anyhoo….

I have alot on my mind, and alot on my plate. And hospital things have been turned up to 11, because im trying hard as I can to be done by sunday which is Bugalugs’ Birthday. The Tuesday after is the end of ramadan, so I want to be able to get one of Dickheads big hugs without dying (he wraps me in his arms and holds me so tightly I cant get a breath in to fill my lungs – and I love it) because after a month without them, which just happens to coincide with a month of being in hospital, a hug is first on the order of business if you ask me. Then I just wanna kiss him. Then Im not telling you what I want to do next!

Anyhoo…..

Hilariousness Ensues

October 12, 2006

And I havent even been drinking.

Earlier, I was continuing my timely attempt at learning more from the Qur’an & the Torah, when I turned to teh interwebs to look something up…..

I never would have guessed it but yes, there it was in black and white, they were using EMINEM to explain Islam. What. The. Fuck? I submit the following:

EMINEM: “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?”

ISLAMIC PROMOTIONAL WEBSITE: “Will the real Al Aqsa please stand up?”

Evidence HERE.

ALLAH’s WHACK Y’ALL!    WORD!

le sigh

NB: It is also a trip to bizzarro world to be simultaneously reading about moses/mohammad/my guaranteed one way trip to purgatory in EVERY religion there is, as well as the latest peice of lesbian erotica as penned by my girlfriend.

Post Script #1

My girlfriend has been published a few times. Shes rather good. Shes also A lesbian, yes, hense the lesbian theme of her work – she writes what she knows.

Post Script #2

I needed something uplifting. My blog (like my RL) has been far too depressing of late.

Post Script #3

No I will not elaborate on the context of my use of the word “girlfriend” in this post. You’ll all just use your imaginations and make it dirty, whether it is or not!

Trying Very Hard To Post

October 5, 2006

But its hard. It isnt normally. As you can tell by the shithouse standard of writing displayed on this site, I usually sit down, log on & tap away for 5 – 10 minutes, and press ‘publish’. Its that simple. I really do use this blog to empty my head. And right now my head is a mess. I know, I know, it usually is. But now its more so. Its like Im in thick fog. I cant seem to focus. I cant concentrate. I cant manage a coherant train of thought. Its most disconcerting. Although friends will tell you I often dont make sense when Im speaking to them, I always make sense to myself. Not right now though. Half way through a sentence I get brain freeze and forget what I was saying. Its frustrating. At the moment things in here are not going so well. Therapy has been stepped up. Aparently me going all aggressive at the doctors saying I didnt want to stay in their poxy establishment until the end of time seems to have offended the sadistic little fuckers, and their getting me back, and how! Its painful, and its exhausting. Its stressful and makes me sick. I also spend hours and hours in bed, which is even worse because theres no playing up……. So a few brief notes on what im up to, hopefully it will inspire me to write properly later. If not, it will at least serve as a memory jogger. And if I know anything about anyone, a bit of a conversation starter too. Look out email account, its gunna get hot! *checks her phone batteries are charged* *********************************EDIT********************************* STUPID FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING WANKER FUCKING WORDPRESS FUCKING GREMLINS FUCKING ATE THE FUCKING REST OF MY FUCKING POST THE FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

and im too frikken tired to redo it. i did it all too. properly even. and it was good. just for once. fucking fuck fuckers.

Friday (gotten around to posting on Monday – shaddup!)

October 2, 2006

Bugalugs finally got an award at school. Hooray!

Considering this is a kid who just a couple of months ago was about to be suspended (in KINDERGARTEN I tells ya, WTF?)

So at the beginning of the week I receieved a letter from his teacher inviting me to attend the school assembly to watch. I cant tell you how good it was to be asked to go up to the school for THAT instead of meetings with the principal!

So I asked my mum if she could make it. Apparently it just wasnt interesting enough, and her response was that she didnt think she could make it & would let me know. If I sound a bit bitchy here, perhaps its coz my mum lives about 8 houses from the school, doesnt work, and has no kids at home either. So please forgive me for being more than slightly pissed off that she needed to consult her busy schedule of daytime soapies for her only grandson.

I also called Dickhead, because I knew Bugalugs would like it, and his teacher had even mentioned that it would be good if Dickhead could make it, that it would mean alot to Bugalugs. I can only assume Bugalugs has been crapping on at school about him. Actually bugalugs is quite enamoured with Dickhead. Go figure. Dickhead not surprisingly said he couldnt make it – working. Sigh.

So Friday came around and I rearranged appointments and ran out of hospital. I visited a gf with her young baby at home whilst I waited for the assembly time to roll around (never one to waste an opportunity, me) & whilst there, Dickhead decided he was able to move things around enough to come up.

Well fuck me, hey!

Being as much like me as he is, and a typical leb, he just had to get everything out of it he could, and so I helped arrange for some shit to be done to one of his cars by the ever obliging Keefer. (MrB previously, but fuck it, Im using normal real life nicknames now. Im lazy, bite me.) Keefer of the “wholesale cost is $296. Nah, I can do better than that for ya!” See, no wonder Dickhead likes him.

So Dickhead collected me from Min’s place, and I drove his car to Keefer to feel whats wrong with it. God. Thats 2 cars of his that I dont like. At least this one isnt nicknamed “the bitch”. Well, it got that name for electrocuting me, the bitch! We dropped the car off, and Dickhead drove us to Bugalugs’ thing.

Poor bastard! No sooner did we get there, but the assembly was being held outdoors in the sun, and whos waving to us with seats saved? Thats right, my MUM.

Bwah hah hah hah hah!

Thats both my parents Dickhead has met now, and both have been unplanned. The poor thing! Of course having her waving at us I couldnt pretend we hadnt seen her, so over we went. Well he may be fasting and feeling crap, but it was me who kept falling asleep. What is it with sun and a seat, and a woman who despite having a speach in front of her has to use the word “um” every 3 words that sends you to nigh nigh land? Poor Dickhead had to keep poking me to wake me up!

Eventually after much other bullshit, Bugalugs got up to get his certificate, and his mum sure was proud. Just for once it wasnt me making a huge scene in public, but my mum who clapped and hollered even though we were meant to wait till the all the recipients were up there. Speculate all you want as to whether I was trying to remain composed somewhat like a normal human in Dickheads presence, but actually I was a bit upset that I just didnt have it in me. Otherwise the bogan westie holla back girl in me would have been on sho fo sho, mo fo’s!

Believe me, inside I was all whooping it up.

Afterwards Dickheads car wasnt ready yet, so we headed to the local shopping centre to waste some time until it was. And every few minutes I had to stop and rest. It was embarressing much. Usually we stop for him to rest his leg, but nup, this time it was all me. It was shocking. I can tell you he really knew I was ill when we walked into one of those discount perfume stores (he smells as good as I do – were a match made in sweet smelling heaven) and I lasted all of 30 secionds before having to walk straight back out. I couldnt breathe. It hurt. It was AWFUL. I coughed. I struggled for breath. I leant against the ballastrade trying to recompose myself. I ended up having to walk into the shop next door and dose up on my inhaler. I hid it from him, yes. I didnt want him to know just how completely fucked I was. The entire trip to the shops was exhausting me completely. I just didnt want to scare him, and I knew it wouldnt be long before Keefer rang to say his car was ready. Im not liking this ramadan thing. Again. Coffee dates make it so much easier to hide how ill I am.

Actually Im not so sure if thats true. I thought Id been hiding it well, but the last few coffee dates we had had he mentioned recently that he had seen me struggling to stand afterwards and get back to my car. I thought Id hidden it, but hed seen me have to sit back down again to get my breath, and make more than one stop on the short walk back to the carpark. It worries me that he sees this. I hate thinking that Im worrying him or scaring him. And in a way, not having people know means it doesnt feel anywhere near as real. So I dont have to deal. Not so much, anyway.

So standing there catching my breath, the bastard notices I have a grey hair. And pulls it out to show me. So much for me laughing at him for being old. Im 26, hes 35. When he doesnt shave, he has plenty of grey hairs in his beard. Hes got a few on his head too, but he keeps his hair cut so short its hard to notice. We have a standing joke about when I’ll have to dump him. Min and I discussed it, along with input from her 40yr old brother, and it was decided that when his balls are saggy, its time to go. No eviction party, just trade him in on a newer model. His response was that he just wouldnt let me play with them anymore so that they stayed in mint condition, but, well, what guy could ever stick to that, huh?

So after berating me about being 26 and having grey hairs….. and just what does he expect, im with him, arent i? And I hang around mostly guys. Of course being around men all the time is going to stress me! We collected his car, and off he went back to work. To which I promptly headed off to see Llama about a couple of things, forgetting about an appointment for treatment and sending the entire Honey Friend Clan into a tizzy. I got there in time. Just. All I can say is thank goodness I put it in my PDA with a reminder alarm! So I guess IM not so teknikmalogikally challenged after all?

So whats the moral to this story? I guess delinquent children still have goodness in them that others besides their mothers can see. Dickheads will sometimes pull out the stops and blow your mind. My mother is still completely fucked in the head & not to be trusted. School Assemblies are still boring. Perfume stores are not places to go if you like air. Keefer is the king of discounts & sourcing parts. And hospitals suck even more when your trying to get there in a hurry. But mostly, my son is a champion and I love him.

Go Bugalugs! w00t!! w00t!!