Archive for the ‘Crap’ category

Bloggy Suggestions & Conversations With Dickhead

February 26, 2007

So someone suggested they join Dickhead and I for a threesome. I talked to him about it. He reacted as men do when confronted with other men showing an interest in them. Lets say less than impressed. HA HA HA HA

Someone suggested I spill all about the last threesome. I talked to him about it. Just for once he WASNT against me spilling all our private shit on teh interwebs. So look forward to a DETAILED account. HA HA HA HA (So babe, do i include measurements with these descriptions? tee hee hee! How about photos?)

Someone suggested I post a photo of my tits on teh interwebs on my birthday. I talked to him about it. He laughed. I asked if he would be shocked if I did. He said not really. Since teh hawtness of my chesticles is soon to be lost forever, you may just get your wish. (somebody check on surfer, he’s likely to be having palpitations!)

So Cheeky Miss who is currently the object of my desire has a man. A man who doesnt know she plays with MY man as well as me. (to each their own. im usually not ok with it, but hell, shes a grown up, and i dont have that long to be so god damned prudish) He wants to see his missus with her girlfriend. Imagine the odd conversation with Dickhead….

Me: “So babe, (insert back story) and she was wondering if I would let her make a video call to him so he could watch us kiss”
DH: “….okaaaaaayyyy?”
Me: “But I thought Id check how you felt first”
DH: “pffft. I get to be there AND join in. What do I care?”

Sigh. Dickhead. He’s such a……… MAN.

So following on from that, turns out he had a conversation with his business partner the other day. Old Yeller (as we shall now call him, although he isnt actually a Golden Retriever) is lovely. He is learning to speak english so i cant really have a conversation with him (Bugalugs says he doesnt know how to talk properly yet) but he is one of those peole you meet and instantly like. The way he learnt to say “Hello Honey” is GORGEOUS. His pronunciation makes you go all warm and fuzzy. Its just so cute! He also tells Dickhead that he doesnt know how I put up with him LOL. Gotta love a man like that. He also says Dickhead is crazy. Cant argue there. There was also a time where I was particularly horny and Dickhead was 10 minutes down the road from my house on a jobsite, and I was sending him text messages telling him how I thought he should ditch Old Yeller and the boys, and come over, that i wanted to suck him off so badly….etc etc etc. When he said he couldnt because Old Yeller was in the car with him, I suggested he make Old Yeller catch a cab. Apparently Dickhead laughed so much at my obvious desire and persistance (nevermind smuttyness) that he had to explain why he was laughing so hard. Old Yeller told Dickhead to drop HIM off here instead! LOL. 

So anyhoo…. When Cheeky Miss and I had discussed the possibility of her coming to see me today (she lives an hr & a half away) he told Old Yeller that he might not be able to work on Monday. Then he told him that his missus is Bi, and her girlfriend might be coming over for the day….. What a fucking conversation to have with your business partner huh? Poor Old Yeller. I think he had a heart attack. He wasnt impressed. LOL. What can I say? Honey is a kick arse wife!

So anyhoo…… point was that today he asked if i was ok with him taking a photo (nothing TOO revealing) to show Old Yeller. Just to piss him off. LOL. Dickhead is such a stirrer. God love him. Of course I said ok. Who knows, maybe that will end up here too one day.

Lord knows theres enough nekkid shots of me floating around on teh interwebs etc pre-Bugalugs (ir when honey was an uber hot 18yr old young thing). Whats another one or two?

Poor Dickhead is practically falling over himself right now. A lesbian friend of mine who ive played around with a few times before wants to see what a real live (warm, bloodfilled) cock is like. This from a girl who wont even buy an authentic looking dildo for fucks sake! She has decided (knowing that I let DH play sometimes) that DH is a trustworthy, considerate man, and that she would possibly like to try him out. (coz my man is just like a pair of Ferragamo’s – lustworthy and precious, but still a possibility to borrow off a close friend). She asked if she can come see me, and have Dickhead there too. Hmmm. A threesome with your missus who is 13yrs your junior, and a full on lesbian wanting to try cock for the first time. Can you imagine whats running through his head right now? Poor baby. He must be ready to explode (pun intended – show me a guy that wouldnt go hard at the thought of being faced with that prospect)

Dickhead and I had a long conversation over lunch and coffee today. An important one. One that we have had a million times before.Some of what I took from it was really good. There was nothing particularly bad. A tiny hiccup that bothered me but I soon realised I was being silly. The fact that I thought it at all though doesnt bode well. Mostly it was stuff that had been said, and said, and said before. Its a delicate subject. And a difficult one. One that both of us feel so strongly about, that its hard to see past our own crap and understand the other’s.

Yes I have given in. Yes I did allow hi to win it. To have it his way. Because I have fought this battle for over a year, and not gained a millimetre let alone an inch. I have 3 weeks left with him. Much of what Im doing is giving in. Why? Because. Because I made a decision. Because I would rather enjoy what I can out of those 3 weeks, than leave him and have nothing more. Sure, Im not getting everything I want, but Im getting something. And to me, Id rather something than nothing. At least on this issue. If things werent the way they are, Id make a totally different decision. But they ARE how they are. Yes Im taking the easy way out. Because the hard (yet correct) path to take means no-one wins. No-one gets anything at all, except a bunch of hurt and regret.

Two things I simply do not have time for.

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Fuckers Are Messing With Me

January 30, 2007

So welcome to my 3 new arrivals to the blog. That I know in real life. Two I helped, one found it herself (little miss smarty pants).

Thankyou Dickhead for pointing out the error in my last post. And thankyou for lying to me just to see my reaction. And please kindly tell me next time it IS your finger in my ass and you choose to “just see what youd do” when you dont admit it. You. Sick. Fucker.

Can the person who said they cried twice in one night reading my blog please not? Its not that bad, surely? No seriously, what I wrote about you was not supposed to do that. And either was the bit about dying. Im here now, lets just enjoy that, and worry about the rest later, mkay?

And as for the one who said he sat there crying like a bitch – suck it up baby and get me my coffee! Cmon, the only thing you like more than my sexy arse is my smart arse!

That new ad with Sigrid freaking thornton? Whom i hate? Your WRONG biatch. Most Smoking related illnesses are NOT slow and painful ways to die! Its freaking FAST! Didnt you read my “facts” post? Theres something thats NOT “whats good for you”. Fuck off. You Suck.

What the fuck is this new andrew okeefe show? Rich List? This has apparently been on before? Shows i dont watch much tv, hey. What I want to know is, if those 2 guys have supposedly never met before, why do they dress in tandem? And how flamingly gay is the skinny one? And how weird are his eyebrows? And does he get his make up done by bert newtons makeup artist? And if so, why? Actually, WHY is a very apt question to ask about the entire show. I dont get it. I know i didnt watch much, but still. And why is the skinny guy trying to jump n hump the fat one all the time? I didnt hink even gay men liked strange men jumping all over them. Particularly ones with bert newton makeup on. On national tv.

96.1fm i love you but that K-Sera girl fucking pisses me off. Stop talking about your “home boys” and your “peeps”. You sound like a fuckwit. And interviewing and editorialising are two COMPLETELY different things. Look one up. Id suggest looking them both up but im not sure you can spell. You make me cringe. I get gangsta speak. I like rnb, hip hop and rap. i like crunk. i know who tupac and biggie et al are (and am aware of the hilarity of using et al in that sentence). I know you do. But you sound as try hard and ridiculous as those callers “giving a shout out to all the 2142 boyz, representin it yo!” K-Sera, i may be wrong, but behind all that “frontin” and “representin” you do, you can construct a coherant sentence. You can use words that arent monosyllibic. I think you may have gone to school. Uni even. So please, your not fooling anyone. You arent black, your not from detroit, and you arent tough. In fact, when I hear you speak, i get visions of you holding something small, cute, and fluffy. And liking it.

Im in a weird place. Stuff is happening. And not happening. And my brain wont think, the fucker. Id give alot just to be able to think again. I dont like not being smart. I know many of you wouldnt believe it, but im actually clever-like.

Well.

I was.

Cancers a cunt.

and normally i dont even use that word.

on a side note, the arabic seems to suddenly be sinking in. weird.

maybe it was all those fucking UBER hot lebbos I was hanging out with on sunday morning. phwoar! i mentioned my little addiction to dickhead, and how hot those arabs are, and all he did was laugh. the little fucker didnt even offer himself up for me to satiate myself with. damn. damn his frustratingness. damn their hotness. and by that i mean GOD DAMN!!!! lol. those lips, those eyes, those muscles, those accents, that confidence……

ehem

yes mr-you-know-who-you-are, i do remember your saying. this leb constantly tells me that i dont know how hard it is being a leb, having to film it everytime he fucks, so that at the end of it he can share it with his mates…….. a copy for each defence lawyer.

Im going straight to hell

January 16, 2007

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.