Archive for the ‘Speaking of’ category


September 6, 2006

There are many beds you get to sleep in as an adult. So many in fact that you can categorise them into “types”. Cant you just feel another installment of the Helpful Harry Honey series looming? I can. What brought this on? Well, the fact that I am currently, and have been since Monday, occupying a bed that is not my own, (ie terribly uncomfortable hospital bed) all the while begging to be allowed to return to my pillowy goodness, all to no avail. And being as I am here and therefore internet time is extremely limited, I am doing much downloading then reading and typing offline. And what do I chose to do with all this bedtime? I help you lot of course! Thats the kind of bored shitless considerate gal I am. So here it is people:

The Helpful Harry Honey Guide to Beds

The first type is of course the one Im in now. Hospital Beds. Never a fun experience. Theyre hard, have only 1 pillow, and although those cellular blankets are good when your in bed during the day, they do fuck all to combat the aircon at 3am when all hospitals decide to set the temperateure to ICE AGE. Im starting to think thats how they bump off the oldies. I know theres a bed shortage crisis in NSW Hospitals, but thats going a bit far innit? What about the rest of us? Or is it some plan by the workers to ensure their employment considering the new IR laws? By giving us all pneumonia they are ensuring they have patients next week, and therefore jobs. Surely theres a better way? Cant they just drop a few cases of beer at a 16yr old boys’ party and save us decent folk from illness? Wouldnt they prefer some much livelier & bloody accidents caused by underage innebriation?

That brings me to the next type that Im craving. MINE. Theres just nuttin better than your own bed. My bed is particularly good as you will recall from the previous post about its pillowy goodness. Sigh.

Then theres your kids bed. Not the most comfortable, or the most fun to sleep in, because it is usually accompanied by a sick kid who wont let you leave their side for an instant, and wakes at the slightest movement as you try not to fall on the floor, let alone get up and go to your own bed. Right now though, as in a couple of other instances, Id give just about anything for that. I cannot wait to get home to my little boy and hug him till he wont let me hug him no more. Im missing him dreadfully, and would do anything to sleep cuddled up next to the 30 odd kilos of wiggling, snoring, sleep-talking lumpyness that is him. I wouldnt even complain about the matchbox cars in the bed.

Then theres the boyfriends bed. If I could breathe, I wouldnt mind sleeping….well…I wouldnt mind being in that kind of bed either. Oh who am I kidding? I dont really care if I can breathe or not, pull back the doona, im hopping in!

Then of course there are hotel beds, which i personally detest after watching too many episodes of CSI. But then again, I cant complain, Im sure to have been the cause of some of that. *hides in shame*

So now that Ive been so helpful, can we please start a petition to make the doctors and my friends stop ganging up on me and making me stay here? Id really like to move on to the other types of beds. Ive absolutely had my fill of the hospital variety.


Rear Entry

June 18, 2006

"Fuck my arse hurts. Its your fault, too."

These were the words I spoke to Dickhead that started the day. Now what i meant was that I had absolutely attacked the stairmaster at the gym and my calf muscles were sore, but that was nothing compared to the muscles in my ass. I also have a tendancy to blame Dickhead for EVERYTHING, his fault or not, something I do so often he simply shrugs and accepts it now. His response?

"I wouldnt go saying it like that to people if i was you." Hmmm. Yeah, good idea. Perhaps saying that my arse hurts and its all his fault is not a good idea……..

So today Imelda and I met halfway between our respective hometowns, and hung out. Something both of us, and our kids have looked forward to since similar plans between the grownups went askew. Her day started off pretty crap, as did mine. After driving for just over half an hour, i realised i was not going to have enough fuel for a return trip. Shortly followed by the realisation that I had left my keycards at HOME. Sigh. Turn around and get them, and then head back out.

Then, Oh crap. As Im picking up the phone (the bluetooth was connected to the number she didnt have, so no hands free) we come across an RBT Unit. The copper pulls me in giving me a filthy look. Its at this point i realise about a hundred things at once. Im driving barefoot. I was drinking last night. I havent changed the rego label. I dont have my licence. Shit, the cars in front are being asked for their licence. DAMN!!!!!! And oh yay, just to be even more exciting, a female copper is recording licence plates, and yep, she's just noticed the date on my rego sticker. She comes and asks, and lucky for me I had it in the car. So I show her, sheepishly apologise for my tardyness, she looks it over thoroughly, including the greenslip and pinkslip that were attached (as an accountant im uber-organised with paperwork) and eventually sighs and lets me go. Luckily, this has caused me to be holding up the que, im not asked for my licence, and my breath test obviously passed. YAY!!!! Theres this years quota of good luck used up all at once!!

I always always always get lost going places. Well, not lost so much as distracted and therefore take the scenic route. I did warn Imelda of this, and since she chose the venue, I was confident of getting lost. I also didnt have a street directory which covered the area, and Dickhead had borrowed my etag on Friday which meant i couldnt use the M7 & instead had to go the poxy long way (hey, that means the RBT thingy was his fault – pffft, i was blaming him anyway) So I was extremely excited to be given instructions thusly "get off the freeway at the ******* exit, and just drive around until you find it. Its called ********* Reserve. There cant be that many parks" and actually managed to find it! I was thrilled. Mind you, I drove right through the suburb and out the other end before even noticing, as Dickhead and I were on the phone arguing over the rules of engagement on our most recent wager, but anyhooooooo Id gotten there sans-assistance! I drove back into town, and found it straight away. Parked right out front too. Then Imelda rang asking ME yes ME for directions as to which end of town, and which side of the road, which I gave her.

Great day, lots of laughs were had, plenty of gossip was exchanged, and plans for a childless rendevous was made. I even paid for the coffee's. Yes, ME! I PAID FOR COFFEE!!!! I know all my rl friends are dying of shock, as i NEVER EVER pay for coffee. Its always bought FOR me. I dont even order. I can count the times in the last 5 years that I have paid on one hand. Well folks, I bought for Dickhead last weekend, and Imelda got some today. Which was only fair as she brought the picnic! (Note to the wise, just dont expect me to turn up to anything prepared. It doesnt happen). The kids had a ball too. And for anyone who thinks Imelda is a shit mum, your wrong. Shes as good as me if today is to be believed. We sat and chatted whilst our young'uns cooked us a bbq lunch. LMAO. They even washed up.

So its time to go, as the kids have run riot, and Imelda and I have jabberred our jaws off, so we head home. Well, Imelda does, and I follow behind as we both need to hit the freeway, albeit in opposite directions. And then the malteaser in me comes out (not for the first time today, I make such a brilliant first impression, me) and I miss my turn. Thats right, I MISS the clearly signposted corner. Clearly as in those huge big motherfucking green signs that say FREEWAY TO YOUR CITY THIS WAY FUCKTARD. Sigh. Of course she notices too. So as im slowing and waiting for a gap in traffic to do a quick illegal u-turn, she pulls over on the shoulder. So I do too, and turn from there. And make my turn to head for home, giggling at my stupidity. Well, fuck me sideways if there isnt another turn i need to make with a huge green sign just like the first. Well thats ok, im not going to fuck up twice in the space of 45 seconds now am I? Especially not when theres a right hand turn lane this time and im already in it with my blinker on? SURELY NOT?

Ummmm, does it count if you accidently drive on past it and have to do a right hand turn thats a bit of a u-turn and sorta cut across the median strip that sticks out?????? Oops. Malteaser is me alright, thats fo sho, mo fo!

So I ring her to let her know of my second bout of retardedness, and to assure her I am now safely enroute back home. Is this the end of my stupidity? oh no! Turns out, as Imelda told me after all that, that the directions I gave her to the Reserve were WRONG because Id come in off the wrong exit. Id actually already passed the town on the freeway, and come in the rear entry.