Its Such A Mess

Im patient. No Im not. Yes I am. No, Im angry. Calm again. Numb. Dont give a shit. Given up. Hopeful. Resillient. Dumbstruck. Desperate. Determined. Defiant. Hopeless. Understanding. Sympathetic. Strong. Weak. Numb again. Exhausted. Furious. Embarressed. CONFUSED.

Cant make up my mind. The for’s and against’s are stacking up equal. The scales are balanced.

Choice 1 is something i dont want, and would be a terrible travesty, and complete waste. But it feels almost inescapable and inevitable. In a way, it would be an admission that many things I hold to be true are not.

Choice 2 is truthfully what i want, but am too scared to ask for, because the reality of being denied once my soul is laid bare would be a blow I know i could recover from, but really dont want to have to. Not again. Not now.

To be honest would be to accept a huge risk. To keep silent would be denying myself the opportunity.

I dont jump in because its so unlikely to eventuate. I dont walk away because there remains the possibility.

So here i stay. Hurting some, but not alot. Playing it safe, but with no chance of winning. Knowing you have to be in it to win it.

I keep telling people to step up, or step off. So why cant i do either?

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