Archive for the ‘Disjointed’ category

Fuckers Are Messing With Me

January 30, 2007

So welcome to my 3 new arrivals to the blog. That I know in real life. Two I helped, one found it herself (little miss smarty pants).

Thankyou Dickhead for pointing out the error in my last post. And thankyou for lying to me just to see my reaction. And please kindly tell me next time it IS your finger in my ass and you choose to “just see what youd do” when you dont admit it. You. Sick. Fucker.

Can the person who said they cried twice in one night reading my blog please not? Its not that bad, surely? No seriously, what I wrote about you was not supposed to do that. And either was the bit about dying. Im here now, lets just enjoy that, and worry about the rest later, mkay?

And as for the one who said he sat there crying like a bitch – suck it up baby and get me my coffee! Cmon, the only thing you like more than my sexy arse is my smart arse!

That new ad with Sigrid freaking thornton? Whom i hate? Your WRONG biatch. Most Smoking related illnesses are NOT slow and painful ways to die! Its freaking FAST! Didnt you read my “facts” post? Theres something thats NOT “whats good for you”. Fuck off. You Suck.

What the fuck is this new andrew okeefe show? Rich List? This has apparently been on before? Shows i dont watch much tv, hey. What I want to know is, if those 2 guys have supposedly never met before, why do they dress in tandem? And how flamingly gay is the skinny one? And how weird are his eyebrows? And does he get his make up done by bert newtons makeup artist? And if so, why? Actually, WHY is a very apt question to ask about the entire show. I dont get it. I know i didnt watch much, but still. And why is the skinny guy trying to jump n hump the fat one all the time? I didnt hink even gay men liked strange men jumping all over them. Particularly ones with bert newton makeup on. On national tv.

96.1fm i love you but that K-Sera girl fucking pisses me off. Stop talking about your “home boys” and your “peeps”. You sound like a fuckwit. And interviewing and editorialising are two COMPLETELY different things. Look one up. Id suggest looking them both up but im not sure you can spell. You make me cringe. I get gangsta speak. I like rnb, hip hop and rap. i like crunk. i know who tupac and biggie et al are (and am aware of the hilarity of using et al in that sentence). I know you do. But you sound as try hard and ridiculous as those callers “giving a shout out to all the 2142 boyz, representin it yo!” K-Sera, i may be wrong, but behind all that “frontin” and “representin” you do, you can construct a coherant sentence. You can use words that arent monosyllibic. I think you may have gone to school. Uni even. So please, your not fooling anyone. You arent black, your not from detroit, and you arent tough. In fact, when I hear you speak, i get visions of you holding something small, cute, and fluffy. And liking it.

Im in a weird place. Stuff is happening. And not happening. And my brain wont think, the fucker. Id give alot just to be able to think again. I dont like not being smart. I know many of you wouldnt believe it, but im actually clever-like.

Well.

I was.

Cancers a cunt.

and normally i dont even use that word.

on a side note, the arabic seems to suddenly be sinking in. weird.

maybe it was all those fucking UBER hot lebbos I was hanging out with on sunday morning. phwoar! i mentioned my little addiction to dickhead, and how hot those arabs are, and all he did was laugh. the little fucker didnt even offer himself up for me to satiate myself with. damn. damn his frustratingness. damn their hotness. and by that i mean GOD DAMN!!!! lol. those lips, those eyes, those muscles, those accents, that confidence……

ehem

yes mr-you-know-who-you-are, i do remember your saying. this leb constantly tells me that i dont know how hard it is being a leb, having to film it everytime he fucks, so that at the end of it he can share it with his mates…….. a copy for each defence lawyer.

Advertisements

Im going straight to hell

January 16, 2007

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.

Trying Very Hard To Post

October 5, 2006

But its hard. It isnt normally. As you can tell by the shithouse standard of writing displayed on this site, I usually sit down, log on & tap away for 5 – 10 minutes, and press ‘publish’. Its that simple. I really do use this blog to empty my head. And right now my head is a mess. I know, I know, it usually is. But now its more so. Its like Im in thick fog. I cant seem to focus. I cant concentrate. I cant manage a coherant train of thought. Its most disconcerting. Although friends will tell you I often dont make sense when Im speaking to them, I always make sense to myself. Not right now though. Half way through a sentence I get brain freeze and forget what I was saying. Its frustrating. At the moment things in here are not going so well. Therapy has been stepped up. Aparently me going all aggressive at the doctors saying I didnt want to stay in their poxy establishment until the end of time seems to have offended the sadistic little fuckers, and their getting me back, and how! Its painful, and its exhausting. Its stressful and makes me sick. I also spend hours and hours in bed, which is even worse because theres no playing up……. So a few brief notes on what im up to, hopefully it will inspire me to write properly later. If not, it will at least serve as a memory jogger. And if I know anything about anyone, a bit of a conversation starter too. Look out email account, its gunna get hot! *checks her phone batteries are charged* *********************************EDIT********************************* STUPID FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING WANKER FUCKING WORDPRESS FUCKING GREMLINS FUCKING ATE THE FUCKING REST OF MY FUCKING POST THE FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

and im too frikken tired to redo it. i did it all too. properly even. and it was good. just for once. fucking fuck fuckers.

Animals

September 23, 2006

Dickhead has this thing he teases me about. I have frogs in plague proportions that live in the bush behind my house. I HATE FROGS. Dickhead knows this. He teases me with juvenile ridiculous comments about me using them for my sexual enjoyment. Trust me, you dont want to know more, hes fucking crazy. He does this because he knows how much I hate them. Yes I know its bizzare. I dont care. Theyre fucking horrible creepy fucking things and just ewwwwww. They get inside and jump around the house. They croak all night long. They get in the carpet and get covered in fluff and die, because they either get dry, cant find the way outside again, or get caught in the pile. Then they stretch out and go all hard and require vaccuuming. Their disgusting. Yes I have a thing about frogs, Its not sexual, its repulsion. And the other day a great big fucker jumped out of a tree I was trimming and straight down my top.  Much cursing, yelling and freaking out ensued, accompanied by a rather odd “get it off, get it off” dance.It freaked me out and i ran inside. Dickhead found it most amusing. I did not.

Dickhead (hmmm, funny how all these things have something to do with dickhead being awful to me, huh?) as you know owns his own business. He’s in tree lopping. He works mostly on the leafy north shore, far away from my westie abode! (see, now you can see why we have issues around seeing much of each other, because he works in the north and east, i live west, and he lives in the Leb capital (ie south for all you internationals. Kilometres are racked up on our cars like phone calls) Anyway, at the start of this year, a tree in my backyard died. Bugalugs was in a tree climbing phase (obsessed with Dickhead and wanted to be like him) and I couldnt keep him out of it. It was so dead it started falling over. One day while Dickhead was here and we were in the yard drinking beers in the sun, I mentioned to him that he would have to fix it for me please. He stood up, walked over, and PUSHED THE TREE OVER. (see llama, told you he has nice strong arms….mmmmmmm……Dickheads arms……drool) Sorry, Ive snapped out of that now! So ok, Bugalugs cant climb the tree and have it fall with him in it, thats good. But now I have a tree lying across my yard. Sigh. Dickhead promises to send one of his boys up with the ute in the next few days to get rid of it for me. Cue a month or two later and I still cant walk through my yard, and I have the lawn guy coming (id put it off until the tree was gone but that never happened and the grass was up to my ears by now) So it was up to me. I managed to cut it in half a coouple of times, and move it to the corner of the yard, with the stump still lying in the garden. At least the lawn can be mown! Its now 8 or 9 months later, the tree is still here in a pile, the stump is still in the garden, and its snake season. Ive had 2 in the yard already, and the neighbours have all seen at least 1 each. Can men do anything they promise? Ever? Babe, can you move it now please? Like Ive asked a few times in the past week or two? I dont want snakes living in the pile of branches! Whats his response? “Yeah, Ill do it soon. But I know why you REALLY dont want the snakes there. Its coz theyre eating all your frogs and your missing out on your fun, innit?” Sigh. Bastard. LOL.

Another Dickhead thing. Christ. I shouldve called this post Dickhead & the Animals. I got in trouble for having a few big trees come down in my street recently, and not having scored Dickhead the jobs. (long story, complicated, boring, but not my fault!) I have a large gum in my front yard, right near the house. It is now being inhabited by all the bats in our area, who eat the flowery things and throw the gumnuts onto cars parked below. They also shit on the cars below. Bat shit is WAY hard to get off. They make one hell of a racket, its hard to sleep. Especially when they fight with the cockatoos. One of the trees that fell a few doors down, fell onto their avery and broke it, releasing dozens of lorrikeets. Like there werent enough around here. And my tree being the only large gum left, they all want to claim it for themselves. Dickhead keeps coming up to visit, looking longingly at this gum. He thinks he will have fun in it, taking it down. He has even visually measured it all out, and wants to try taking it down in ONE CUT. I need council approval. They wont give it. I spoke to my neighbours the other night, and general concensus is that they ALL want it gone. Sleep is apparently more important to them, fancy that! The only thing is, if I still have a smallish connifer lying in my backyard after almost a year, what the hell will I do with a whole gum tree? How many snakes will that attract? It still could be worth it to get rid of the bat-fights. Wildlife isnt all its cracked up to be.

Another animal Im hating right now is the cats. Neighbourghood cats and ferals. HATE HATE HATE. They kill the GOOD wildlife, leaving half dead and maimed birds, mammals and reptiles on our lawns and driveways. Someone around here is poisoning them. I hate that they suffer, I really do, but I have to admit to being glad their gone. Id just rather they do it humanely. No creature should suffer if it can be helped. Dickheads suggestions for getting rid of them were, um, a side of him i hadnt seen. Different. The main thing though is that we have to now deal with all these half dead and dying cats all over the place. Its gross. But at least the scratched cars, tomcat stink and cat shit in the garden under your bedroom window and half dead wildlife will soon be gone. Hooray for that.

And the last animal themed installment is also dickhead related. How clever am i? (I told you i could do it). A friend who I play email ping pong with during the workday has a profanity filter. It makes conversations interesting sometimes. Bear in mind my recent posts on being toey as and craving relief, a conversation about BJs turned into one about eating DUCKS instead of DICKS to bypass the swear nazis. Ill never eat poultry the same again. Actually, the duck eating episode requires its own post. Ill get back to you on that. Let me just say though, dickhead: YUM. (and how the friend calling dickhead the paddle pop lion fits this scenario you will just have to wonder. lol)

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah I know guys, Too much info. Dont care. Steph talked too much about her literal shit or lack thereof, Im chucking an imelda and talking too much about sex.

Bite me.

*leaves the obvious elaboration on the last line alone for the benefit of sensitive readers*