Archive for the ‘Bugalugs’ category

Motherhood

February 21, 2007

So instead of filling you all in on my threesome on saturday night (hey you only live once, so shut up about my frequent getting freaky – im allowed) I thought Id tell you some snippets of whats been going on with bugalugs.

So either I am the worlds best, or the worlds worst mum according to when you ask him.

See, as many little boys do, (and seeing the stress he is currently under, its certainly understandable) he has been going through a stage of missing the bowl when he goes to the toilet. A few times ive gotten up in the middle of the night, and leaving the light off so as not to wake him, have sat in a puddle. ewww. So morning comes and ive told him off, only to have it happen again. A couple of days ago I wasnt paying attention and did it again in the mid afternoon.

So what do you do when your raising a child Honey-Style? You wash your hands and dont dry them. You walk out to where your little precious is sitting innocently on the lounge watching tv, and tell him off again. Then you wipe your wet hands across his bare skin and face, telling him that you got your OWN wee and thought he might like to have some of yours on him as he seems so fond of having his on you.

Tears and tantrums abound.

Of course I told him oretty quickly what had really happened, but he was still mighty pissed off. My toilet seat however, remains dry. (and it was pretty funny lol sick sadist that i am).

 It was also his first day of footy  training yesterday, which ill come back and blog about shortly. Just this much effort has tired me out. I just wanted you all to know im still here, and still retarded.

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June Dally Watkins didnt cover this….

January 29, 2007

So then, Ms Queen of Manners for Every Situation, what does your finishing school have to teach us about the correct ettiquette for every situation in this mornings lesson?

Dont have anything planned?

Want to take questions from the class?

You do? Excellent!

Then tell me, Ms Watkins, I discovered that my vibrator has dissappeared. Uhuh. It has! Its not where I keep it! I checked in the bed, looked under the covers and all the pillowy goodness, and nuthin! I got down on my hands and knees and peered underneath the bed on the floor, still nuttin!

So tell me, how exactly do I ask my 6yr old son if he has taken his mummys favourite toy?

You know, without telling him what it is, scarring him for life, or possibly alerting him to its presence if he doesnt actually have it?

Go on. Tell me that.

FACTS

January 27, 2007

Dickhead and I discussed today the fact that he is in my will. He knows he gets something, but he also knows I will not answer how much. And for those of you who worry, dont. Bugalugs gets almost everything, and will be fine. Lucky for me I’m an Accountant, and Financial Planning is something I PRACTISE and not just PREACH. With out implying anything about my financial status, Im smart enough to have Life Insurance, and have done since before he was born. Plus I own my house, and so in sydney (even out here in the west) you know theres at least 300K in the sale of that no matter what. And seeing as he will be cared for by my parents who are financially sound and will support him themselves, and I interrupt here to say sucko mum n dad, you were enjoying this past year since your youngest moved out, huh? (btw my sis will be out of hospital soon, and moving back in with them for her rehab stints) So Bugalugs will be pretty well set for life (once hes old enough to have one) even if they DO dip into it to finance raising him. (which I dont have a problem with) So as you can see, its all sorted. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Dickhead scores some cash (no bumping me off early so you can collect, mkay babe?)

The point is (or at least was going to be when i sat down to type, before the rambling started) that in discussing it with him, and a couple of mini-chats ive had with others these past few days (and oh yeah, DH got out of hospital this week – hense the lack of me posting) its made me think that for the benefit of friends who dont really DO these conversations, and for those wondering but too lazy to google, lets give some facts on where im at, and where im going, mkay?

Yes I do remember I was drafting a “facts” post a while ago but……SHADDUP. lol

So firstly some statistics on Lung Cancer, and what it is, and how you get it. (besides being the “worlds biggest retard with the most fucked up luck in the history of ever” like I am)

For starters, Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths basically around the world, in both men AND women. If your gunna get cancer, and want to live, this is NOT the bitch you want. (although there are more unpleasant ones to endure, this cunt is deadly). Less than 15% of those diagnosed with Lung Cancer live for 5 years.

Yeah, you heard right, read it again, it doesnt change.

Theres 4 main types, and no, im not spilling the exact details of mine here. Suffice to say I cant say it, let alone spell it! lol. 85% of lung cancer is caused by ciggarettes. That leaves 15% of other causes, which are heaps, and who gives a fuck really. I guess those who keep smoking, and yes i was included in that category until recently, are foolhardy (but my dad still smokes 2 packs a day as at this very moment) or lucky.

SYMPTOMS – this includes some scary news folks, that i didnt know until a few weeks ago. 25% of sufferers have NO SYMPTOMS at the time of diagnosis. Different types have different symptoms, and not all sufferers have all the symptoms, or even the same ones as another patient. The main ones are coughs, coughs that wont go away, coughs that change, coughing up blood, chest pains, shortness of breath, wheezing, and infections like bronchitis and pneumonia (shaddup about my spellin, got it?) Lung Cancer is a fucker at spreading to other parts of the body and developing secondary cancers. Other symptoms that arent so common are growing extra boney bits (yes thats a scientific term, shaddup) aneamia, muscle weakness, weightloss, fatigue, skin irritations and brain function deterioration.

right

Have we all finished laughing at that last one? Can we move on now please?

Yes, that is one im suffering from. We’ll come back to that in a second (if my brain hasnt deteriorated too far by then, mkay?)

On a personal level, most of those, no wait, all of those are things I am experiencing. Some others too, because of the treatment im undergoing.

Whats really getting me down at the moment is the brain thing. I know Ive bitched before about my memory being fucked, and being unable to remember the word i want to use (sometimes quite simple words) and being unable to focus on the conversation at times, even when there isnt any hotties walking past. But now, well, its worse. I keep messing up words, saying things i never meant to say, and things that dont make sense. I keep forgetting what im on about.

I cant drive. I certainly cant park. I have no depth perception. I cant judge how fast im going. Im a speed freak, and do at least 20km over the limit everywhere I go, and the other day i was doing just under 80 in a 110 zone. No, not heavy traffic. No, not double demerits. I thought I was going fast. Granted, it was at night, and i cant see so well at night any more. Im getting confused as to which side the indicators are on (yes my car is german and has them on the wrong side, but im used to that. Or i WAS until about 5 days ago.)

Not being able to drive anymore will be very hard. Dickhead and I have trips planned to the sth coast, canberra, and the hunter. Guess he will be doing the driving huh. (and look – ner ner ni-ner ner my brain hadnt packed it in yet)

So DH is going overseas for treatment for his own thing in mid march. My birthday is the 3rd, so he will be here for that. And my birthday was the estimate of the end of my “useful” time. By useful, i mean the time where i can do shit other than lying there like a lump. He asked when I got sick, how would it go. Im calling it “when I get sick” coz im retarded and am pretending like im not sick now. Im also saying “when Im gone” and “when im finished with you” because saying ‘when im dead’…well….its just not something i can say without getting all weird. Its my impending doom, and fuckers, Ill deal with it my way, mkay? If you dont like it, feel free to swap and show me how its done. Ill swap back once you have, promise! *crosses fingers behind back and looks around, whistling innocent-like*

Well folks, luckily, when I get too sick to annoy my friends with my fucktardary, the end will come quickly. Im stubborn and strong, and will fight a good fight to stay active as long as possible. When I cant continue, I really wont be able to continue. I will basically be a useless lump for a week or two and stop breathing. That last week or so will be a cunt of a time, and i will no doubt be glad its over. There is little about this life that i will miss, but that which i do, will break my heart. Im not scared of dying really. Im just furious at myself for failing as Bugalugs’ mum. Everyone else will deal, and will cope, and will get over it, but something like that affects a kid forever. And no half decent mum on the planet can ever accept that they are doing that to their kid. And thats all i have to say about that, ala Forest Gump.

So DH may just miss my final demise. And before you say or think anything, stop. Make sure its nothing bad. Yes, part of me wants him to be here for me, the selfish part, ill admit it. But also part of me wants him to miss it. I dont want him to have to see me like that. To have to deal with anything more awful than need be. And this treatment thing hes leaving me for is something that could be so so good for him, and I will not deny him that. I wont deny him the chance to get better. No matter what the cost to me. However, I did say I would not condone him leaving while im still good! I cant stop him, but yeah, id be mighty pissed! Truth be told, I desperately hope that it works for him. I honestly do. Its not just words, my own situation has made me want this chance to come good for him so badly its ridiculous.

ehem

back to me, coz im such an attention whore and this is MY blog, dammit!

So like I said, Lung cancer = bitch that bites BIG TIME. Stats quoted to me by a doc were 4/5 die within 2yrs, and 1 in 20 live past 5. awesome, huh! lol. yes, your allowed to laugh. Thats what stops the crying!

In the spirit of that comment, which is how i am in real life, and how ive always been, i leave you with this (seeing as that was such an awful, depressing, shitty, upsetting and heavy post)…………..

Min (my best friend) and I used to joke around a year or so ago, before i was diagnosed. Im one of those people who say theyve done just about everything (like that last meme thing shows lol) except ive ACTUALLY done the things I say i have. Ive fit an awful lot of living into my nearly 27yrs. I often wish i hadnt done most of them, but cest la vie. Anyhoo, when talking about all the shit ive dealt with in my life, i often commented to her that there were only 3 things left that i hadnt done or had happen to me: cancer, a heart attack, and dying – at least one of which was guaranteed to happen!

So either Im now going to live forever, or i won a bonus!

You never know, maybe ill be super lucky and get to be a REAL winner and get all three!

Hey – it could happen.

I’ll open the books at 5-1…………

Ok, But What About Today?

October 16, 2006

So this morning I woke up grumpy. Thanks to Dickhead. sigh. And although a friend of mine was coming down from Katoomba to see me, one I hadnt seen in quite a while, and I was looking forward to it, the visit was tarnished before it even happened, because one of the things we were going to be doing while she was down here was designing his website, and true to form, Dickhead had left everyhting to the last minute, and had run out of time to go over everything before she got here. So it was all down to me. Sure, great, fine, its not like I have anything else to worry about, is it?

Add to that the fact that the doctors were just teasing me, and it seems tomorrow wont be the last day of their torture after all. sigh. fuckers. I wanna go home.

My gf came down and we had a great visit. She stayed much longer than she planned, and we giggled so much my beepy machine went of twice. Im talking about the beepy machine that makes the nurses come running from everywhere when it goes off coz they understand beep-speak, and its saying “hurry up you dumb slut, shes gunna die”. Either they think im just too cute to die yet, or they get just as pissed off with its shrill interruptions to their sleep as I do, because they drop what their doing and hustle, let me tell ya!

My afternoon was punctuated with conversations with medical proffessionals that I really didnt want to hear. My evening was consumed with conversations about tomorrows funeral that I really dont want to attend, and dont know if Id even be allowed to in my current condition. And Bugalugs didnt come up to see his mummy. Aparently playing in his friends new cubby house was much more fun. So I felt and feel like crap.

But whats making me feel worse, is Dickhead and his being too busy for me. There was a half conversation this morning whilst he was at the airport collecting his brother whos here fore the next couple of days, which means im hardly going to hear from him. One where he promised me something that made me really happy. It was something I took to be a big thing, a good thing. And it influenced a decision Ive been pondering for a while now. A decision about something Dickhead has been asking me to make. Wanting me to make. And Ive been getting close to saying yes. And its nothing to do with his business, but I guess that might be affected by it. But just as I was getting closer to agreeing to what he had asked me to, he said something that made me baulk. Big time.

Bugalugs is my life. Fact. Dickhead knows this, and never expects anything less. He would be rather dissappointed in me I think if I even thought about that not being the case. I also have a past that affects how I am now. Fact. Dickhead knows this, but also wants me to get over it. I have a picture of where I want to be this time next year, and further in the future (date yet to be decided). I dont want to make the same mistakes Ive made before. (new ones are so much more exciting). I dont want to get into things I can see a problem with straight up. I also have things that I want RIGHT NOW.

What he said this morning made me slam my brakes on. It was a surprise. I dont know if how I first took it is the stance I will continue to take. I dont know if I took it the way he meant it. Im quite sure he thought it was an innocuous little comment. Well, not to me. To me it raised a HUGE RED FLAG. I had to dip out of our talk time to collect my thoughts (and my stomach from where it had dropped to the floor). He worried, and wanted to know what was wrong, why his comment had made me change so suddenly, why I was acting differently. I couldnt talk. I told him I would later.

Problem is, Im going to bed now, and later still isnt here.

Anyhoo….

October 15, 2006

So a few strange things have happened in the last couple of days. Its making me wonder what the doctors are medicating me with.

Anyhoo…

I was proposed to. NO, seriously. I was asked to be a wife. To give up working and be a kept woman. To move to a seaside town and live in a huge house and be taken care of. And it was a serious proposal. Im not joking. Its just a shame I had to say no.

Anyhoo……

I recieved a rather irate email about the post “Hilariousness Ensues.” It was threatening and derogatory and very strongly worded. Part of it said something about that if i had ever actually MET a muslim i wouldnt be so disrespectful to their religion. So Im guessing the wanker doesnt read me very often, coz its not like ive been partnered with one for the last forever, is it? Nah, course not. And we all know that ive never actually MET Dickhead have I? He’s all a figment of my imagination, hey? And what about Elly? And the Turkish Delight? And the Builder Brothers? And a few others who are yet to appear on here individually instead of as a part of “my Boys”? No, ive never actually met a muslim. And im sorry, but i thought i was jsut saying what another website had said – not coming up with stuff by myself. Silly me. These drugs are apparently better than i thought.

Anyhoo…..

I wore pink today. No the sky isnt falling, although i can see why you would ask. Because the sky falling is much more likely than me ever wearing pink. But there you go. And its girly pink too. and it has pink lace. Only a tiny bit, but its there. Its the first pink thing ive worn since I was 10.

Anyhoo……

One of the guys in here and I have really hit it off. He spent a couple of days back home with his family, and whilst there, sent me a short video message on my phone to say hi and that he missed our chat. In the video he was naked, holding his cock, and blew me a kiss. I kid you not. Some of you may even be lucky enough to get to see it and laugh at it too. Yes, there were closeups, and no, they werent necessary. Although I laughed, nearly snorted coffee out my nose in the process, started slack jawed and bug eyed at the screen in shock, and wondered what the fuck the correct response to that message was, part of my brain was able to get through the shock and function normally, and what that part was saying was PHWAAAARRRRR!!!!  (Fucking hell Im not happy with this fasting thing, that made me HUNGRY….)

Anyhoo……

Shock of shocks, Dickhead finallysaid he was getting rid of that tree for me this week. Hooray! Not only that, but he is lending me his boys for the day to tidy up my yard. Woo Hoo! Because the last thing i wasnt is to go home and find that a bunch of snakes have decided to make my backyard home. So between Dickhead and his boys, the list of things I cant manage for myself might actually get a few things crossed off! I mean Ive only been asking Dickhead and my boys to help me out with these things for, oh, just over 18months! Some have been on the list for over 4 years, but whos counting? Little buggers – they can get me to help them with their stuff, but helping me with mine seems to start with a beer, and end with nothing getting done. So this time, im hiding all the brewski’s till AFTER the shits been done. FACT.

Anyhoo….

I have alot on my mind, and alot on my plate. And hospital things have been turned up to 11, because im trying hard as I can to be done by sunday which is Bugalugs’ Birthday. The Tuesday after is the end of ramadan, so I want to be able to get one of Dickheads big hugs without dying (he wraps me in his arms and holds me so tightly I cant get a breath in to fill my lungs – and I love it) because after a month without them, which just happens to coincide with a month of being in hospital, a hug is first on the order of business if you ask me. Then I just wanna kiss him. Then Im not telling you what I want to do next!

Anyhoo…..

Why Am I Blogging Right Now?

October 9, 2006

Because I dont feel like facing people to say this, and I know it will get around fast enough by putting it here. Dickhead already knows, as does Min, both of these I told myself, them being the most important people to me right now (besides Bugalugs of course who doesnt need to know anything until it cant be avoided)

In less than an hour now, I will get results back from my specialist (you dont like me calling him that, YOU try spelling his title correctly). If the beefed up plan of attack isnt working, there isnt really much else to do. And Ive already decided that if this is the case, Im going home. Id rather spend what little time remains in my own freaking bed than here.

On the other hand, if it IS killing the little fuckers, then I will be staying here, and its the first time Im actually wanting to stay. Obviously. The issue then will become how much longer to continue. When is the point where theyve killed enough of the bad bits, yet left enough good ones alive to pick up the peices & start the rebuilding?

And of course, once that decision is made, its all crossing of fingers and toes that the good workers arent too fucked over by the new IR laws, and will put their backs into it and get this new development underway.

Mins reaction to this news was predictable.

Dickheads reaction was not.

Mine? I’ll wait till after I hear it & know what it is I have to react to.

But that call this morning would have been good, had I got it.

Oh yeah, a big bunch of good wishes are owed to Dickhead, who started the next phase of his business this morning. xoxo

Trying Very Hard To Post

October 5, 2006

But its hard. It isnt normally. As you can tell by the shithouse standard of writing displayed on this site, I usually sit down, log on & tap away for 5 – 10 minutes, and press ‘publish’. Its that simple. I really do use this blog to empty my head. And right now my head is a mess. I know, I know, it usually is. But now its more so. Its like Im in thick fog. I cant seem to focus. I cant concentrate. I cant manage a coherant train of thought. Its most disconcerting. Although friends will tell you I often dont make sense when Im speaking to them, I always make sense to myself. Not right now though. Half way through a sentence I get brain freeze and forget what I was saying. Its frustrating. At the moment things in here are not going so well. Therapy has been stepped up. Aparently me going all aggressive at the doctors saying I didnt want to stay in their poxy establishment until the end of time seems to have offended the sadistic little fuckers, and their getting me back, and how! Its painful, and its exhausting. Its stressful and makes me sick. I also spend hours and hours in bed, which is even worse because theres no playing up……. So a few brief notes on what im up to, hopefully it will inspire me to write properly later. If not, it will at least serve as a memory jogger. And if I know anything about anyone, a bit of a conversation starter too. Look out email account, its gunna get hot! *checks her phone batteries are charged* *********************************EDIT********************************* STUPID FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING WANKER FUCKING WORDPRESS FUCKING GREMLINS FUCKING ATE THE FUCKING REST OF MY FUCKING POST THE FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

and im too frikken tired to redo it. i did it all too. properly even. and it was good. just for once. fucking fuck fuckers.