Archive for the ‘Things That Shit Me’ category

FACTS

January 27, 2007

Dickhead and I discussed today the fact that he is in my will. He knows he gets something, but he also knows I will not answer how much. And for those of you who worry, dont. Bugalugs gets almost everything, and will be fine. Lucky for me I’m an Accountant, and Financial Planning is something I PRACTISE and not just PREACH. With out implying anything about my financial status, Im smart enough to have Life Insurance, and have done since before he was born. Plus I own my house, and so in sydney (even out here in the west) you know theres at least 300K in the sale of that no matter what. And seeing as he will be cared for by my parents who are financially sound and will support him themselves, and I interrupt here to say sucko mum n dad, you were enjoying this past year since your youngest moved out, huh? (btw my sis will be out of hospital soon, and moving back in with them for her rehab stints) So Bugalugs will be pretty well set for life (once hes old enough to have one) even if they DO dip into it to finance raising him. (which I dont have a problem with) So as you can see, its all sorted. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Dickhead scores some cash (no bumping me off early so you can collect, mkay babe?)

The point is (or at least was going to be when i sat down to type, before the rambling started) that in discussing it with him, and a couple of mini-chats ive had with others these past few days (and oh yeah, DH got out of hospital this week – hense the lack of me posting) its made me think that for the benefit of friends who dont really DO these conversations, and for those wondering but too lazy to google, lets give some facts on where im at, and where im going, mkay?

Yes I do remember I was drafting a “facts” post a while ago but……SHADDUP. lol

So firstly some statistics on Lung Cancer, and what it is, and how you get it. (besides being the “worlds biggest retard with the most fucked up luck in the history of ever” like I am)

For starters, Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths basically around the world, in both men AND women. If your gunna get cancer, and want to live, this is NOT the bitch you want. (although there are more unpleasant ones to endure, this cunt is deadly). Less than 15% of those diagnosed with Lung Cancer live for 5 years.

Yeah, you heard right, read it again, it doesnt change.

Theres 4 main types, and no, im not spilling the exact details of mine here. Suffice to say I cant say it, let alone spell it! lol. 85% of lung cancer is caused by ciggarettes. That leaves 15% of other causes, which are heaps, and who gives a fuck really. I guess those who keep smoking, and yes i was included in that category until recently, are foolhardy (but my dad still smokes 2 packs a day as at this very moment) or lucky.

SYMPTOMS – this includes some scary news folks, that i didnt know until a few weeks ago. 25% of sufferers have NO SYMPTOMS at the time of diagnosis. Different types have different symptoms, and not all sufferers have all the symptoms, or even the same ones as another patient. The main ones are coughs, coughs that wont go away, coughs that change, coughing up blood, chest pains, shortness of breath, wheezing, and infections like bronchitis and pneumonia (shaddup about my spellin, got it?) Lung Cancer is a fucker at spreading to other parts of the body and developing secondary cancers. Other symptoms that arent so common are growing extra boney bits (yes thats a scientific term, shaddup) aneamia, muscle weakness, weightloss, fatigue, skin irritations and brain function deterioration.

right

Have we all finished laughing at that last one? Can we move on now please?

Yes, that is one im suffering from. We’ll come back to that in a second (if my brain hasnt deteriorated too far by then, mkay?)

On a personal level, most of those, no wait, all of those are things I am experiencing. Some others too, because of the treatment im undergoing.

Whats really getting me down at the moment is the brain thing. I know Ive bitched before about my memory being fucked, and being unable to remember the word i want to use (sometimes quite simple words) and being unable to focus on the conversation at times, even when there isnt any hotties walking past. But now, well, its worse. I keep messing up words, saying things i never meant to say, and things that dont make sense. I keep forgetting what im on about.

I cant drive. I certainly cant park. I have no depth perception. I cant judge how fast im going. Im a speed freak, and do at least 20km over the limit everywhere I go, and the other day i was doing just under 80 in a 110 zone. No, not heavy traffic. No, not double demerits. I thought I was going fast. Granted, it was at night, and i cant see so well at night any more. Im getting confused as to which side the indicators are on (yes my car is german and has them on the wrong side, but im used to that. Or i WAS until about 5 days ago.)

Not being able to drive anymore will be very hard. Dickhead and I have trips planned to the sth coast, canberra, and the hunter. Guess he will be doing the driving huh. (and look – ner ner ni-ner ner my brain hadnt packed it in yet)

So DH is going overseas for treatment for his own thing in mid march. My birthday is the 3rd, so he will be here for that. And my birthday was the estimate of the end of my “useful” time. By useful, i mean the time where i can do shit other than lying there like a lump. He asked when I got sick, how would it go. Im calling it “when I get sick” coz im retarded and am pretending like im not sick now. Im also saying “when Im gone” and “when im finished with you” because saying ‘when im dead’…well….its just not something i can say without getting all weird. Its my impending doom, and fuckers, Ill deal with it my way, mkay? If you dont like it, feel free to swap and show me how its done. Ill swap back once you have, promise! *crosses fingers behind back and looks around, whistling innocent-like*

Well folks, luckily, when I get too sick to annoy my friends with my fucktardary, the end will come quickly. Im stubborn and strong, and will fight a good fight to stay active as long as possible. When I cant continue, I really wont be able to continue. I will basically be a useless lump for a week or two and stop breathing. That last week or so will be a cunt of a time, and i will no doubt be glad its over. There is little about this life that i will miss, but that which i do, will break my heart. Im not scared of dying really. Im just furious at myself for failing as Bugalugs’ mum. Everyone else will deal, and will cope, and will get over it, but something like that affects a kid forever. And no half decent mum on the planet can ever accept that they are doing that to their kid. And thats all i have to say about that, ala Forest Gump.

So DH may just miss my final demise. And before you say or think anything, stop. Make sure its nothing bad. Yes, part of me wants him to be here for me, the selfish part, ill admit it. But also part of me wants him to miss it. I dont want him to have to see me like that. To have to deal with anything more awful than need be. And this treatment thing hes leaving me for is something that could be so so good for him, and I will not deny him that. I wont deny him the chance to get better. No matter what the cost to me. However, I did say I would not condone him leaving while im still good! I cant stop him, but yeah, id be mighty pissed! Truth be told, I desperately hope that it works for him. I honestly do. Its not just words, my own situation has made me want this chance to come good for him so badly its ridiculous.

ehem

back to me, coz im such an attention whore and this is MY blog, dammit!

So like I said, Lung cancer = bitch that bites BIG TIME. Stats quoted to me by a doc were 4/5 die within 2yrs, and 1 in 20 live past 5. awesome, huh! lol. yes, your allowed to laugh. Thats what stops the crying!

In the spirit of that comment, which is how i am in real life, and how ive always been, i leave you with this (seeing as that was such an awful, depressing, shitty, upsetting and heavy post)…………..

Min (my best friend) and I used to joke around a year or so ago, before i was diagnosed. Im one of those people who say theyve done just about everything (like that last meme thing shows lol) except ive ACTUALLY done the things I say i have. Ive fit an awful lot of living into my nearly 27yrs. I often wish i hadnt done most of them, but cest la vie. Anyhoo, when talking about all the shit ive dealt with in my life, i often commented to her that there were only 3 things left that i hadnt done or had happen to me: cancer, a heart attack, and dying – at least one of which was guaranteed to happen!

So either Im now going to live forever, or i won a bonus!

You never know, maybe ill be super lucky and get to be a REAL winner and get all three!

Hey – it could happen.

I’ll open the books at 5-1…………

Advertisements

Im going straight to hell

January 16, 2007

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

December 14, 2006

So how do you get over a serious relationship in record time?

How do you get over a guy you really care about as soon as you can?

Well, quite simply, you go and shag a Random. Fuck him stupid. Take out all your stress and anger and hurt and frustration and everything.

But what the fuck do you do when your sucking his cock and all you can do is think of your man and wish it was him?

You stop sucking and tell the random to “fuck me NOW, biatch”.

But what do you do when it just feels wrong, and all you want is your dickhead?

You send the Random home.

And when things with your dickhead just get worse and worse no matter how hard you try?

You get yourself seriously smattered with a bottle of bourbon and find a Better Endowed Random.

What do you do when you find yourself still thinking of your Dickhead whilst sucking off the Better Endowed Random?

Thats right, you tell him to fuck you. Only this time, you use every bit of mental power you have and focus solely on the physicality of what your doing. You praise yourself for accepting the advances of the nicely sized one, and silently say a thankyou to the sex gods for having him be skilled as well. You count your blessings that he is sensitive to your situation, and are grateful when he suggests a different position, saying things guaranteed to take your mind off your worries. You appreciate that he notices and cares that you could be enjoying yourself more, and submerse yourself when he stops talking to calm your worries and uses his mouth in a more effective form of distraction. You submit to his efforts, and let the orgasms take control. You let your physical desires overtake your mental and emotional ones. After all, being face down, ass up in a frenzy of exertion where both participants have submitted to their bodies most primal desires makes it hard to think!

I admit it. The sex was fucking good. So good I was able to immerse myself in it entirely until towards the end of round four, where, sweating profusely and utterly, totally, and completely spent, I basically collapsed on the bed underneath the Better Endowed Random. It took him about 45 seconds to pause and laugh. “Your completely wasted arent you Honey?” His enquiry was ment with a tired “uhuh”. He laughed, collapsed on top of me, tiny kisses and licks over the back of my neck and shoulders. “Thank god, Hon. I dont think I could go another minute. I dont have it in me to make you come again, let alone me!”

At least I slept well that night. But the first thought when I woke up was of Dickhead again.

So what do you do when you dont know what the fuck to do and you cant stop wishing your Dickhead would call to talk instead of lash out, make demands and make you feel like its all your fault?

Shag a Random Who Makes You Laugh, and try to relax and let the answers come by themselves.

But what do you do when that Random Who Makes You Laugh tells you stories of your Dickhead? When that Random not only has nothing to gain by telling you a lie, and doesnt even realise at first that your push for details isnt merely polite curiosity, but rather an urgent need to confirm that the person of whom the Random Who Makes You Laugh speaks is the very same Dickhead? HER Dickhead? When he gives you a piece of information that feels like a kick in the guts? That you cannot bring yourself to believe, yet has too many points that cannot be ignored?

You dont find much to laugh about with the Random Who Makes You Laugh. Not anymore.

Trying Very Hard To Post

October 5, 2006

But its hard. It isnt normally. As you can tell by the shithouse standard of writing displayed on this site, I usually sit down, log on & tap away for 5 – 10 minutes, and press ‘publish’. Its that simple. I really do use this blog to empty my head. And right now my head is a mess. I know, I know, it usually is. But now its more so. Its like Im in thick fog. I cant seem to focus. I cant concentrate. I cant manage a coherant train of thought. Its most disconcerting. Although friends will tell you I often dont make sense when Im speaking to them, I always make sense to myself. Not right now though. Half way through a sentence I get brain freeze and forget what I was saying. Its frustrating. At the moment things in here are not going so well. Therapy has been stepped up. Aparently me going all aggressive at the doctors saying I didnt want to stay in their poxy establishment until the end of time seems to have offended the sadistic little fuckers, and their getting me back, and how! Its painful, and its exhausting. Its stressful and makes me sick. I also spend hours and hours in bed, which is even worse because theres no playing up……. So a few brief notes on what im up to, hopefully it will inspire me to write properly later. If not, it will at least serve as a memory jogger. And if I know anything about anyone, a bit of a conversation starter too. Look out email account, its gunna get hot! *checks her phone batteries are charged* *********************************EDIT********************************* STUPID FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING WANKER FUCKING WORDPRESS FUCKING GREMLINS FUCKING ATE THE FUCKING REST OF MY FUCKING POST THE FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

and im too frikken tired to redo it. i did it all too. properly even. and it was good. just for once. fucking fuck fuckers.

Friday (gotten around to posting on Monday – shaddup!)

October 2, 2006

Bugalugs finally got an award at school. Hooray!

Considering this is a kid who just a couple of months ago was about to be suspended (in KINDERGARTEN I tells ya, WTF?)

So at the beginning of the week I receieved a letter from his teacher inviting me to attend the school assembly to watch. I cant tell you how good it was to be asked to go up to the school for THAT instead of meetings with the principal!

So I asked my mum if she could make it. Apparently it just wasnt interesting enough, and her response was that she didnt think she could make it & would let me know. If I sound a bit bitchy here, perhaps its coz my mum lives about 8 houses from the school, doesnt work, and has no kids at home either. So please forgive me for being more than slightly pissed off that she needed to consult her busy schedule of daytime soapies for her only grandson.

I also called Dickhead, because I knew Bugalugs would like it, and his teacher had even mentioned that it would be good if Dickhead could make it, that it would mean alot to Bugalugs. I can only assume Bugalugs has been crapping on at school about him. Actually bugalugs is quite enamoured with Dickhead. Go figure. Dickhead not surprisingly said he couldnt make it – working. Sigh.

So Friday came around and I rearranged appointments and ran out of hospital. I visited a gf with her young baby at home whilst I waited for the assembly time to roll around (never one to waste an opportunity, me) & whilst there, Dickhead decided he was able to move things around enough to come up.

Well fuck me, hey!

Being as much like me as he is, and a typical leb, he just had to get everything out of it he could, and so I helped arrange for some shit to be done to one of his cars by the ever obliging Keefer. (MrB previously, but fuck it, Im using normal real life nicknames now. Im lazy, bite me.) Keefer of the “wholesale cost is $296. Nah, I can do better than that for ya!” See, no wonder Dickhead likes him.

So Dickhead collected me from Min’s place, and I drove his car to Keefer to feel whats wrong with it. God. Thats 2 cars of his that I dont like. At least this one isnt nicknamed “the bitch”. Well, it got that name for electrocuting me, the bitch! We dropped the car off, and Dickhead drove us to Bugalugs’ thing.

Poor bastard! No sooner did we get there, but the assembly was being held outdoors in the sun, and whos waving to us with seats saved? Thats right, my MUM.

Bwah hah hah hah hah!

Thats both my parents Dickhead has met now, and both have been unplanned. The poor thing! Of course having her waving at us I couldnt pretend we hadnt seen her, so over we went. Well he may be fasting and feeling crap, but it was me who kept falling asleep. What is it with sun and a seat, and a woman who despite having a speach in front of her has to use the word “um” every 3 words that sends you to nigh nigh land? Poor Dickhead had to keep poking me to wake me up!

Eventually after much other bullshit, Bugalugs got up to get his certificate, and his mum sure was proud. Just for once it wasnt me making a huge scene in public, but my mum who clapped and hollered even though we were meant to wait till the all the recipients were up there. Speculate all you want as to whether I was trying to remain composed somewhat like a normal human in Dickheads presence, but actually I was a bit upset that I just didnt have it in me. Otherwise the bogan westie holla back girl in me would have been on sho fo sho, mo fo’s!

Believe me, inside I was all whooping it up.

Afterwards Dickheads car wasnt ready yet, so we headed to the local shopping centre to waste some time until it was. And every few minutes I had to stop and rest. It was embarressing much. Usually we stop for him to rest his leg, but nup, this time it was all me. It was shocking. I can tell you he really knew I was ill when we walked into one of those discount perfume stores (he smells as good as I do – were a match made in sweet smelling heaven) and I lasted all of 30 secionds before having to walk straight back out. I couldnt breathe. It hurt. It was AWFUL. I coughed. I struggled for breath. I leant against the ballastrade trying to recompose myself. I ended up having to walk into the shop next door and dose up on my inhaler. I hid it from him, yes. I didnt want him to know just how completely fucked I was. The entire trip to the shops was exhausting me completely. I just didnt want to scare him, and I knew it wouldnt be long before Keefer rang to say his car was ready. Im not liking this ramadan thing. Again. Coffee dates make it so much easier to hide how ill I am.

Actually Im not so sure if thats true. I thought Id been hiding it well, but the last few coffee dates we had had he mentioned recently that he had seen me struggling to stand afterwards and get back to my car. I thought Id hidden it, but hed seen me have to sit back down again to get my breath, and make more than one stop on the short walk back to the carpark. It worries me that he sees this. I hate thinking that Im worrying him or scaring him. And in a way, not having people know means it doesnt feel anywhere near as real. So I dont have to deal. Not so much, anyway.

So standing there catching my breath, the bastard notices I have a grey hair. And pulls it out to show me. So much for me laughing at him for being old. Im 26, hes 35. When he doesnt shave, he has plenty of grey hairs in his beard. Hes got a few on his head too, but he keeps his hair cut so short its hard to notice. We have a standing joke about when I’ll have to dump him. Min and I discussed it, along with input from her 40yr old brother, and it was decided that when his balls are saggy, its time to go. No eviction party, just trade him in on a newer model. His response was that he just wouldnt let me play with them anymore so that they stayed in mint condition, but, well, what guy could ever stick to that, huh?

So after berating me about being 26 and having grey hairs….. and just what does he expect, im with him, arent i? And I hang around mostly guys. Of course being around men all the time is going to stress me! We collected his car, and off he went back to work. To which I promptly headed off to see Llama about a couple of things, forgetting about an appointment for treatment and sending the entire Honey Friend Clan into a tizzy. I got there in time. Just. All I can say is thank goodness I put it in my PDA with a reminder alarm! So I guess IM not so teknikmalogikally challenged after all?

So whats the moral to this story? I guess delinquent children still have goodness in them that others besides their mothers can see. Dickheads will sometimes pull out the stops and blow your mind. My mother is still completely fucked in the head & not to be trusted. School Assemblies are still boring. Perfume stores are not places to go if you like air. Keefer is the king of discounts & sourcing parts. And hospitals suck even more when your trying to get there in a hurry. But mostly, my son is a champion and I love him.

Go Bugalugs! w00t!! w00t!!

The Silly Season

September 26, 2006

So Ramadan started on Sunday.  And Dickhead has decided to do it properly this year. And when he says properly, he means properly.

So I guess thats reason #684 why Dickhead and I shouldnt be a couple. But what are you going to do?

So not only am I going to be missing out on my regular coffees and stuff, but poor Honey is going to be shagless for a month!

Now OK, Ive gone more than a month without sex before, but when you know it in advance, it sucks. And not in the good way.

Mind you, Im thinking that this would also count as reason #685 why we are crap as a couple, because Sunday was also South Africa’s Heritage Day.

So what I hear you ask? Well Heritage day is celebrated with a great big braaivleis (read huge bbq feast). So yeah, IRONY PLUS. The day Dickhead starts fasting is the day I have a feast.

Poor bastard. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

So seeing as I am sick, I finally got to benefit from that somewhat as my usual duties were suspended (ie it wasnt me who had to clean for, prepare and clean up after the entire ordeal) and I got to enjoy it like a normal person for a while. The BOYS were on their way out to my uncles property to join in (its a very communal thing) and called me from a service station stop to see how it was all going for me. When I said I wasnt having too much fun dealing with the family dramas, finding things a bit stressful, and feeling guilty for not helping out in the kitchen etc, they got a bit upset (overprotective little buggers that they are). It took a grand total of 3 minutes for Bear to call me back and say they were coming to rescue me, stopping off at my house to grab some stuff, and to be ready with Bugalugs when they got to my uncles to collect me.

Much bitching etc from the family & neighbours later, and we were on our way to the beach, my favourite place to be! What excellent boys have I. Dickhead called when we had just about gotten there as I stopped to get some cold drinks (that werent beer) for  Bugalugs and I. (Im not sposed to be drinking). He was surprised at the rescue mission (he was at work all day with a big job on Sunday) and got all protective about me driving so far. What the hell else am I sposed to do? Stick a 5yr old on the back of a bike? I think not! And how would I be any safer on the back of a bike if I had another attack than behind the wheel of a car I ask ya? Sheesh! Anyone would think I was sick or summin the way these men carry on! (The 120km/hr winds and smoke from the fires were just soooooo condusive to a smooth ride down the hume hwy, werent they?)

Needless to say, a few hours of sun, sand & surf later I was feeling pretty damned chuffed. Add to that the fantastic company I was in and you pretty much had heaven right there on the south coast. Home I came to entertain some friends for dinner, and again had help in the kitchen to the point where I basically gave direction only. Pretty cramped and difficult in my little galley-style kitchen (really must get Dickhead onto those renovations for me – put that on the list) and much good-natured arguing ensued. Funny how such small things can make a girl feel so loved.

shoes

And thats not the only thing that had me feeling that way. Special thanks go to Dickhead for Saturday Night. THAT was pretty much enough to fuel me through this whole thing. But add what my friends did, and theres no way this cancer thing is gunna win.

Animals

September 23, 2006

Dickhead has this thing he teases me about. I have frogs in plague proportions that live in the bush behind my house. I HATE FROGS. Dickhead knows this. He teases me with juvenile ridiculous comments about me using them for my sexual enjoyment. Trust me, you dont want to know more, hes fucking crazy. He does this because he knows how much I hate them. Yes I know its bizzare. I dont care. Theyre fucking horrible creepy fucking things and just ewwwwww. They get inside and jump around the house. They croak all night long. They get in the carpet and get covered in fluff and die, because they either get dry, cant find the way outside again, or get caught in the pile. Then they stretch out and go all hard and require vaccuuming. Their disgusting. Yes I have a thing about frogs, Its not sexual, its repulsion. And the other day a great big fucker jumped out of a tree I was trimming and straight down my top.  Much cursing, yelling and freaking out ensued, accompanied by a rather odd “get it off, get it off” dance.It freaked me out and i ran inside. Dickhead found it most amusing. I did not.

Dickhead (hmmm, funny how all these things have something to do with dickhead being awful to me, huh?) as you know owns his own business. He’s in tree lopping. He works mostly on the leafy north shore, far away from my westie abode! (see, now you can see why we have issues around seeing much of each other, because he works in the north and east, i live west, and he lives in the Leb capital (ie south for all you internationals. Kilometres are racked up on our cars like phone calls) Anyway, at the start of this year, a tree in my backyard died. Bugalugs was in a tree climbing phase (obsessed with Dickhead and wanted to be like him) and I couldnt keep him out of it. It was so dead it started falling over. One day while Dickhead was here and we were in the yard drinking beers in the sun, I mentioned to him that he would have to fix it for me please. He stood up, walked over, and PUSHED THE TREE OVER. (see llama, told you he has nice strong arms….mmmmmmm……Dickheads arms……drool) Sorry, Ive snapped out of that now! So ok, Bugalugs cant climb the tree and have it fall with him in it, thats good. But now I have a tree lying across my yard. Sigh. Dickhead promises to send one of his boys up with the ute in the next few days to get rid of it for me. Cue a month or two later and I still cant walk through my yard, and I have the lawn guy coming (id put it off until the tree was gone but that never happened and the grass was up to my ears by now) So it was up to me. I managed to cut it in half a coouple of times, and move it to the corner of the yard, with the stump still lying in the garden. At least the lawn can be mown! Its now 8 or 9 months later, the tree is still here in a pile, the stump is still in the garden, and its snake season. Ive had 2 in the yard already, and the neighbours have all seen at least 1 each. Can men do anything they promise? Ever? Babe, can you move it now please? Like Ive asked a few times in the past week or two? I dont want snakes living in the pile of branches! Whats his response? “Yeah, Ill do it soon. But I know why you REALLY dont want the snakes there. Its coz theyre eating all your frogs and your missing out on your fun, innit?” Sigh. Bastard. LOL.

Another Dickhead thing. Christ. I shouldve called this post Dickhead & the Animals. I got in trouble for having a few big trees come down in my street recently, and not having scored Dickhead the jobs. (long story, complicated, boring, but not my fault!) I have a large gum in my front yard, right near the house. It is now being inhabited by all the bats in our area, who eat the flowery things and throw the gumnuts onto cars parked below. They also shit on the cars below. Bat shit is WAY hard to get off. They make one hell of a racket, its hard to sleep. Especially when they fight with the cockatoos. One of the trees that fell a few doors down, fell onto their avery and broke it, releasing dozens of lorrikeets. Like there werent enough around here. And my tree being the only large gum left, they all want to claim it for themselves. Dickhead keeps coming up to visit, looking longingly at this gum. He thinks he will have fun in it, taking it down. He has even visually measured it all out, and wants to try taking it down in ONE CUT. I need council approval. They wont give it. I spoke to my neighbours the other night, and general concensus is that they ALL want it gone. Sleep is apparently more important to them, fancy that! The only thing is, if I still have a smallish connifer lying in my backyard after almost a year, what the hell will I do with a whole gum tree? How many snakes will that attract? It still could be worth it to get rid of the bat-fights. Wildlife isnt all its cracked up to be.

Another animal Im hating right now is the cats. Neighbourghood cats and ferals. HATE HATE HATE. They kill the GOOD wildlife, leaving half dead and maimed birds, mammals and reptiles on our lawns and driveways. Someone around here is poisoning them. I hate that they suffer, I really do, but I have to admit to being glad their gone. Id just rather they do it humanely. No creature should suffer if it can be helped. Dickheads suggestions for getting rid of them were, um, a side of him i hadnt seen. Different. The main thing though is that we have to now deal with all these half dead and dying cats all over the place. Its gross. But at least the scratched cars, tomcat stink and cat shit in the garden under your bedroom window and half dead wildlife will soon be gone. Hooray for that.

And the last animal themed installment is also dickhead related. How clever am i? (I told you i could do it). A friend who I play email ping pong with during the workday has a profanity filter. It makes conversations interesting sometimes. Bear in mind my recent posts on being toey as and craving relief, a conversation about BJs turned into one about eating DUCKS instead of DICKS to bypass the swear nazis. Ill never eat poultry the same again. Actually, the duck eating episode requires its own post. Ill get back to you on that. Let me just say though, dickhead: YUM. (and how the friend calling dickhead the paddle pop lion fits this scenario you will just have to wonder. lol)

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah I know guys, Too much info. Dont care. Steph talked too much about her literal shit or lack thereof, Im chucking an imelda and talking too much about sex.

Bite me.

*leaves the obvious elaboration on the last line alone for the benefit of sensitive readers*