Archive for the ‘Honeys Helpful Hints’ category

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

December 14, 2006

So how do you get over a serious relationship in record time?

How do you get over a guy you really care about as soon as you can?

Well, quite simply, you go and shag a Random. Fuck him stupid. Take out all your stress and anger and hurt and frustration and everything.

But what the fuck do you do when your sucking his cock and all you can do is think of your man and wish it was him?

You stop sucking and tell the random to “fuck me NOW, biatch”.

But what do you do when it just feels wrong, and all you want is your dickhead?

You send the Random home.

And when things with your dickhead just get worse and worse no matter how hard you try?

You get yourself seriously smattered with a bottle of bourbon and find a Better Endowed Random.

What do you do when you find yourself still thinking of your Dickhead whilst sucking off the Better Endowed Random?

Thats right, you tell him to fuck you. Only this time, you use every bit of mental power you have and focus solely on the physicality of what your doing. You praise yourself for accepting the advances of the nicely sized one, and silently say a thankyou to the sex gods for having him be skilled as well. You count your blessings that he is sensitive to your situation, and are grateful when he suggests a different position, saying things guaranteed to take your mind off your worries. You appreciate that he notices and cares that you could be enjoying yourself more, and submerse yourself when he stops talking to calm your worries and uses his mouth in a more effective form of distraction. You submit to his efforts, and let the orgasms take control. You let your physical desires overtake your mental and emotional ones. After all, being face down, ass up in a frenzy of exertion where both participants have submitted to their bodies most primal desires makes it hard to think!

I admit it. The sex was fucking good. So good I was able to immerse myself in it entirely until towards the end of round four, where, sweating profusely and utterly, totally, and completely spent, I basically collapsed on the bed underneath the Better Endowed Random. It took him about 45 seconds to pause and laugh. “Your completely wasted arent you Honey?” His enquiry was ment with a tired “uhuh”. He laughed, collapsed on top of me, tiny kisses and licks over the back of my neck and shoulders. “Thank god, Hon. I dont think I could go another minute. I dont have it in me to make you come again, let alone me!”

At least I slept well that night. But the first thought when I woke up was of Dickhead again.

So what do you do when you dont know what the fuck to do and you cant stop wishing your Dickhead would call to talk instead of lash out, make demands and make you feel like its all your fault?

Shag a Random Who Makes You Laugh, and try to relax and let the answers come by themselves.

But what do you do when that Random Who Makes You Laugh tells you stories of your Dickhead? When that Random not only has nothing to gain by telling you a lie, and doesnt even realise at first that your push for details isnt merely polite curiosity, but rather an urgent need to confirm that the person of whom the Random Who Makes You Laugh speaks is the very same Dickhead? HER Dickhead? When he gives you a piece of information that feels like a kick in the guts? That you cannot bring yourself to believe, yet has too many points that cannot be ignored?

You dont find much to laugh about with the Random Who Makes You Laugh. Not anymore.

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I dont know what to write first.

September 23, 2006

I guess thats the trouble with not posting for a week and a half. So lets start with the first horrible thing, because it has a good side to it.

A friend of mine is 1000kms away. He has been one of my biggest rocks in this cancer/dickhead catastrophy or two. Ours is a different relationship to most. Its good, but also hard. The same things that work in our favour can also work against us. We have some similiarities in our life. They give us the ability to clearly understand how the other feels and thinks, and why we behave how we do. However, it also makes us useless at giving advice, because we are both fucked on that issue. Some things we are vastly different on, which gives provides interesting new directions of thought when advice is given. It can also have unintentioned side effects though, and be received wrong.

Email ping pong, sms tag and msn is a strange way to maintain a relationship. We talk on the fone sometimes, and admittedly, lately it has been alot more than normal. Last weekend when something small happened to me with disasterous consequences, it was him I turned to. Being so far away, never seeing each other in person, not having the same circle of friends…. it all allows a different side to come out. Vulnerability and looking the fool arent really an issue, because its contained to just one person, one person who although is a real friend, also isnt. Its different. Hard to explain. But good.

This person is going through his own stuff right now. And some of it is stuff that is close to my stuff. And Im having a hard time being the friend i want to be. Hes so far away. Im so caught up in my own stuff & drama that Im having trouble seeing past it. And his disaster is one Im desperately trying to avoid. Its hard to help someone deal with one of your own fears. Its extra hard when their a million miles away.

AND EVEN HARDER WHEN THEIR POSTIE IS A THIEF!

I have this thing I do with friends. Sometimes I do it when they need cheering up and support. Sometimes I do it to thank them for what they have done for me. Sometimes I just do it to show that their friendship is appreciated. One thing all my friends say is that I have a big heart. Another is that Im very thoughtful and considerate. Another is that Im certifiably insane and make no sense whatsoever. All those things kinda go together in this. So I give you the recipie for this particular HONEYS PATENTED CARE PACKAGE that was sent to my far away friend last week and still hasnt arrived. (hense our theory that the postman stole it)

1 x Can Coke (as he admits to being addicted to the stuff)
1 x Box Bite Sized Wagon Wheels (his favourite food that cheers him up)
1 x Packet Balloons (an “in thing” we share, with pooh giving piglet a balloon to cheer him up as “no one can be uncheered by a balloon”)
1 x Handwritten Letter (because no one bothers to do proper letters any more)
1 x Pack Banana Lollies as milkshakes are too hard to transport and may get stinky (he commented last week about his joy at being able to buy banana smoothies again)
1 x Childrens Book with a title that mentions an “in joke” of ours (this will be impossible to replace – i found it at a 2nd hand book store, cracked up laughing at the title and bought it, even though 3 pages were missing from the rather crap story)

It would have been better but i ran out of time, and also space in the box. Cant you feel the love in there? I did what I could to make sure he knew I had put thought and effort into it. I wanted him to know his help and friendship was appreciated. I will be compiling a replacement this weekend, and resending it. This time it will also be a cheering up thing, not just a thankyou.

Hopefully this post will serve as a public thankyou. And he will know I appreciate him. And that I wish I was as good at supporting him as he is me.

But then, we both know that

BANANAS DO IT DIFFERENTLY

Beds

September 6, 2006

There are many beds you get to sleep in as an adult. So many in fact that you can categorise them into “types”. Cant you just feel another installment of the Helpful Harry Honey series looming? I can. What brought this on? Well, the fact that I am currently, and have been since Monday, occupying a bed that is not my own, (ie terribly uncomfortable hospital bed) all the while begging to be allowed to return to my pillowy goodness, all to no avail. And being as I am here and therefore internet time is extremely limited, I am doing much downloading then reading and typing offline. And what do I chose to do with all this bedtime? I help you lot of course! Thats the kind of bored shitless considerate gal I am. So here it is people:

The Helpful Harry Honey Guide to Beds

The first type is of course the one Im in now. Hospital Beds. Never a fun experience. Theyre hard, have only 1 pillow, and although those cellular blankets are good when your in bed during the day, they do fuck all to combat the aircon at 3am when all hospitals decide to set the temperateure to ICE AGE. Im starting to think thats how they bump off the oldies. I know theres a bed shortage crisis in NSW Hospitals, but thats going a bit far innit? What about the rest of us? Or is it some plan by the workers to ensure their employment considering the new IR laws? By giving us all pneumonia they are ensuring they have patients next week, and therefore jobs. Surely theres a better way? Cant they just drop a few cases of beer at a 16yr old boys’ party and save us decent folk from illness? Wouldnt they prefer some much livelier & bloody accidents caused by underage innebriation?

That brings me to the next type that Im craving. MINE. Theres just nuttin better than your own bed. My bed is particularly good as you will recall from the previous post about its pillowy goodness. Sigh.

Then theres your kids bed. Not the most comfortable, or the most fun to sleep in, because it is usually accompanied by a sick kid who wont let you leave their side for an instant, and wakes at the slightest movement as you try not to fall on the floor, let alone get up and go to your own bed. Right now though, as in a couple of other instances, Id give just about anything for that. I cannot wait to get home to my little boy and hug him till he wont let me hug him no more. Im missing him dreadfully, and would do anything to sleep cuddled up next to the 30 odd kilos of wiggling, snoring, sleep-talking lumpyness that is him. I wouldnt even complain about the matchbox cars in the bed.

Then theres the boyfriends bed. If I could breathe, I wouldnt mind sleeping….well…I wouldnt mind being in that kind of bed either. Oh who am I kidding? I dont really care if I can breathe or not, pull back the doona, im hopping in!

Then of course there are hotel beds, which i personally detest after watching too many episodes of CSI. But then again, I cant complain, Im sure to have been the cause of some of that. *hides in shame*

So now that Ive been so helpful, can we please start a petition to make the doctors and my friends stop ganging up on me and making me stay here? Id really like to move on to the other types of beds. Ive absolutely had my fill of the hospital variety.