Archive for the ‘A Great Big Mess’ category

Im going straight to hell

January 16, 2007

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.

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The Silly Season

September 26, 2006

So Ramadan started on Sunday.  And Dickhead has decided to do it properly this year. And when he says properly, he means properly.

So I guess thats reason #684 why Dickhead and I shouldnt be a couple. But what are you going to do?

So not only am I going to be missing out on my regular coffees and stuff, but poor Honey is going to be shagless for a month!

Now OK, Ive gone more than a month without sex before, but when you know it in advance, it sucks. And not in the good way.

Mind you, Im thinking that this would also count as reason #685 why we are crap as a couple, because Sunday was also South Africa’s Heritage Day.

So what I hear you ask? Well Heritage day is celebrated with a great big braaivleis (read huge bbq feast). So yeah, IRONY PLUS. The day Dickhead starts fasting is the day I have a feast.

Poor bastard. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

So seeing as I am sick, I finally got to benefit from that somewhat as my usual duties were suspended (ie it wasnt me who had to clean for, prepare and clean up after the entire ordeal) and I got to enjoy it like a normal person for a while. The BOYS were on their way out to my uncles property to join in (its a very communal thing) and called me from a service station stop to see how it was all going for me. When I said I wasnt having too much fun dealing with the family dramas, finding things a bit stressful, and feeling guilty for not helping out in the kitchen etc, they got a bit upset (overprotective little buggers that they are). It took a grand total of 3 minutes for Bear to call me back and say they were coming to rescue me, stopping off at my house to grab some stuff, and to be ready with Bugalugs when they got to my uncles to collect me.

Much bitching etc from the family & neighbours later, and we were on our way to the beach, my favourite place to be! What excellent boys have I. Dickhead called when we had just about gotten there as I stopped to get some cold drinks (that werent beer) for  Bugalugs and I. (Im not sposed to be drinking). He was surprised at the rescue mission (he was at work all day with a big job on Sunday) and got all protective about me driving so far. What the hell else am I sposed to do? Stick a 5yr old on the back of a bike? I think not! And how would I be any safer on the back of a bike if I had another attack than behind the wheel of a car I ask ya? Sheesh! Anyone would think I was sick or summin the way these men carry on! (The 120km/hr winds and smoke from the fires were just soooooo condusive to a smooth ride down the hume hwy, werent they?)

Needless to say, a few hours of sun, sand & surf later I was feeling pretty damned chuffed. Add to that the fantastic company I was in and you pretty much had heaven right there on the south coast. Home I came to entertain some friends for dinner, and again had help in the kitchen to the point where I basically gave direction only. Pretty cramped and difficult in my little galley-style kitchen (really must get Dickhead onto those renovations for me – put that on the list) and much good-natured arguing ensued. Funny how such small things can make a girl feel so loved.

shoes

And thats not the only thing that had me feeling that way. Special thanks go to Dickhead for Saturday Night. THAT was pretty much enough to fuel me through this whole thing. But add what my friends did, and theres no way this cancer thing is gunna win.

Hold My Hand, Please?

September 9, 2006

{{{{{heap of rambling etc that got eaten by gremlins that im too lazy to retype}}}}}

Im standing at the door of a plane. I want to jump, but Im afraid of heights. I really want to jump though. I want to beat this fear, and I want to experience the thrill of skydiving. I really want to, but my feet wont move, their frozen in fear. Planes dont have inexhaustable fuel tanks. One way or another, Im going to land.

I could jump, and freefall frightfully for a short while until the air caught in the chute and delivered me safely and gracefully to earth, triumphant, exhilarated, better off than ever before, victorious and amply equipped to take on the world.

I could also jump, freefall frightfully for a short while, have the chute not open, suffer the terrible knowledge that I could have been safe, I could have listened to the warning signs, my fears, the danger, and remained aboard the plane. Suffer in the knowledge that I have only myself to blame, that I knew better, and chose not to listen. Know that it was my fault that my entire world was destroyed, and there was no way out of the mess I was about to become on the grass below. And that Bugalugs would be left to pay for my actions.

Or I could sit down, put my seatbelt on and land safely. I could risk very little, and be exactly where I am now. I could live the rest of my life with what-ifs and if-onlys, and know that I could have had everything, and I pissed it away. To know that I will never have that chance again, because even if I went up again, Id be in the same position, but with a failure on the record to get over too.

I want to jump. For so many reasons. I really, really want to jump. Sometimes I think I want someone to push me, but they cant. This is something I have to do for myself. A choice only I can make. Have to make. Said I did make, but regret and wish I could change my mind. I cant stay seated while were up here. So long as were in the sky, I still have a chance. And I really want to do it.

Hold my hand. I think I could do it if you held my hand.

holding hands 

 

Lexus’ Return

July 13, 2006

So you will all recall my friend who up and left, heading back home to Greece without so much as a goodbye. Well Hes been back this week to bury our very good friend Frog.

Frogs funeral was on Monday, and I havent blogged about it because to be honest, its all just been a bit too much.

But anyway, Lexus returned on the weekend, and flies out this afternoon. I didnt see him on the weekend, but I did recieve a phone call to see how I was and to make sure I was set transport-wise for Monday. It was appreciated. Obviously an olive branch being extended, and I took it.

At the Funeral it was pretty chaotic. Alot of people, a small chapel, and a rather large contingent of what my mother would call “unsavory characters” being the members of a substantial group of Harley riders that had escorted him.

All this meant not much chance for talking. I actually found the service to feel quite hurried, and all a bit surreal. I quickly regretted having not organised it like I was asked to. Actually, that was demanded, and after G4D’s recently I just couldnt handle any more. Thats 14 good friends I have buried in 11mths. 5 extremely close ones in 9 months. And countless others, including extended family. My friendship isnt something you enjoy, more something you survive.

Afterwards at the wake it really split into groups, which felt a bit odd, but also good. It was nice to be supported/support your closest friends without having to worry so much about the others. Frog only has a mother and 1 aunt left alive, both of who have never left Russia, and didnt make an exception, so for us it was like we were family, which we were, and it was nice to have people approach us as kind of a representative of a group, instead of having to speak to everyone. I really detest people expressing their “deepest sympathy” when really theyre only there so as to not be thought rude. My boys etc and I managed to find a section for ourselves, and got down to business. Drinking and reminissing. It was nice. Conversation slowly turned around to the present, and Lexus managed to pull me aside a bit and we had a really good chat. Just like we used to.

We spoke about him leaving and why he did it. We spoke about how I felt about it. We spoke about the beautiful Nessa, and why she left us. How he felt about that. What he had been doing in Greece. Whether he would be coming back. What I had been doing. He admitted that he had been reading my other, private blog. He had been paying to have it translated. Most importantly, he had finally managed to understand what happened between us before he left. Why we fought. He had come to terms with it and was working at dealing with it. Not just on a superficial level, but quite deeply within himself. I was most glad to hear it.

We came to a bit of an understanding.

Tuesday he called to tell me how good our conversation had felt to him. It did to me too.

Last night he came around. He ended up staying the night. We spoke for hours. About alot. The past, the present, and the future. He held me for hours. I sat between his legs, leaning back into his chest, his arms wrapped around me and his cheek resing on my head. We talked and talked and talked. It felt like home. It took me hors to realise thats just what Frog used to do when I was younger. Knowing this did nothing to diminish it in any way. As we were deciding to head off to bed and try to at least get an hours rest before sunrise, he asked me if Dickhead ever comforted me in this way. The fact that Dickhead didnt know about how first my brother, and then Frog used to comfort me didnt really do to much to make me feel better.

It made me realise that no only does he not volunteer this sort of physical comfort, but that even when I ask for it it isnt always given, and rarely given freely. I see this as holding back. If you truly trust and are truly comfortable with someone, you open yourself up to them. Not sharing a part of yourself shows you arent completely open with that person.

I cant help my loopy south african ways. I was brought up to trust what I feel more than what I know. That KNOWING something comes only when your heart, mind and soul all speak the same.

This is what I cant make him understand. That it all needs to go together. And even though I completely trust him, more than I have ever trusted, its me I cant trust. And I need me to be as sure of myself as I am of him. That until it all goes together, from both our sides, I cant trust what I dont KNOW.

The truth isnt as important as people think. The truth can be whatever the fuck it wants. Its peoples perceptions that REALLY matter. Thinking everything will be fine wont matter a damn if the truth is that it wont, and vice versa.

I cant be truly open to someone who cant be truly open to me. Him holding back, not risking himself, not being truly open, makes me worry.

I dont understand how I can risk myself on someone who wont risk themself on me. What does he KNOW in himself that makes him hold back? If he holds back on himself, what makes it OK for me to not?

Sigh

July 6, 2006

And another sigh.

ISP issues have kept me offline alot lately. Bastard things. Is solved now and normal routine shall commence………….now.

Right, thats one thing to cross of the list! Next pease!

So I was out and about doing onsite visits with clients the other day and stopped off at McDonalds between clients after hearing the call of nature. McDonalds because their facilities are always clean. Or at least, cleaner than the alternatives. Whilst in there, someone came in to the stall beside me, and as women know, most girls will try to disguise their business with a simultaneous flush or other diversion. Not this girl. I swear, it was a fucking elephant in there! It scared me people! That sort of volume and pressure is just NOT NORMAL. So please, if it was you, seek medical help. (Im so socially concious, me)

Dickhead and I have had some frikkn mad arguments lately. Its been AWFUL. I feel tyhe inevitable approaching like a freight train.

I have been re-evaluating the quality of friend I am. In less than a month, 2 of my closest pals have left this world by their own means. The beautifull Ness put herself to sleep a couple of weeks ago with an entire bottle of sleeping pills, and 2/3 bottle of scotch. And Frog, just this past Sunday shot himself in the head. For 2 friends to kill themself and me to have no clue that they felt that way (sad yes, suicidal no) well just what kind of friend does that make me?

Oh and on the Cancer front, I have pushed back the start date for the upgraded attack. Beginning that sort of treatment during the school holidays isnt such a good idea.

Anyhoo, thats it from me for now. My brain feels as though it will explode.

This Will Need Editing

June 24, 2006

Fuck me, you know your in trouble when I title a post with a public service announcement!

But seriously folks……

I did it. I set criteria. It wasnt met. I gave bonus chances to redeem. They were squandered. And yes, to that person it willl seem harsh and unfair. But thats life.

Recently it has been harsh and unfair on me. I made an accusation of selfishness on their part and was met with the same in return. That may well be, but whereas 1 example was forthcoming on their part, mine had multiples, people, MULTIPLES.

And Im aware that you dont know what the fuck Im on about. Thats because it isnt finalised. It will be though. Today. Because either the penny drops & an assurance is made…….or not.

I cant do in the middle any more. Im not a patient person.

I admit to being high maintenance lately. Thats just me. 110% I am, in EVERYTHING, good and bad. If my needs are being met, Im sweet. You will be begging me to require more attention. If they arent, well, Im an attention junkie until they are. As long as I get my fix Im fine, just look the fuck out when Im craving.

My needs arent much. My WANTS are, fuck yeah! but my needs are surprisingly infantessimal in the scheme of things. But thats what they are. NEEDS. And they arent being met.

Im not blaming anyone. I dont want to. Blame means ill will. I dont want that between us. I said a long time ago that I like you so much that I cant stand the idea of not liking you.

I hate that this is in a state of limbo, half done, half not. I hate that there is still hope in me, a tiny & highly unlikely bit of hope sure, but still hope.

It hurt getting here. It felt awful. I didnt like it at all.

But the strangest thing is that here & now, at this moment, Im not really feeling anything

I worry that that says something in itself. And then I think thats a silly thought. And then I realise what its going to feel like when its done. And it makes me want to not do it, knowing how bad that will be. But Ive started it now. And I have to stay strong. There are so many reasons why.

I dont WANT this. I just cant see a way out of it. You know we've discussed it before. We've fought this fight before. Yeah we didnt lose, but we didnt win either.

And we just cant keep doing this INTERIM thing. Its not on, its not off. Its nothing and something all at once.

Its eating me alive.

Its making me be someone Im not.

Its making me treat you in a way you neither like nor deserve.

As much as I dont want to not like you, I also dont want you to not like me.

Help me fix this. Please. I want it fixed. You want it fixed. Please.

Its broken. And broken things either get fixed, or put in the bin. Thats just the way things are.

And I dont want us to go in the bin.

Stupidity: A Game Everyone Can Play

June 21, 2006

I feel crap.

Everything has gotten fucked up beyond belief.

Im tired of fighting.

Im tired of things being so fucking hard, and all because others have to step in and mess shit up. Just leave it the fuck alone, people! I dont ask for you to make it easier, just dont make it harder!

That shit hurt. Its really gotten me down.

Cant stay down, need to get up and start again.

Scared and not looking forward to the changes in health. 2 & 1/2 weeks to go.

That 2 & 1/2 weeks makes me think of things differently, and its holding me back. Mostly the not knowing is the worst. Not knowing how it will be, and what I will be able to do.

Is it just me, or should parents, when discovering their child has cancer, should say "oh shit" or "oh no" or (stretching it) "are you ok?" or, well, pretty much anything other than "well, now we have a possible winning legal argument to take control of all her money & pretend its for the good of her son"???? Its just me? OK.

Take all that, plus the rest im not talking about, and add it all together.

Then notice that Dickhead, who should by all rights and expectations and previous actions be long gone, and find that he isnt. That he is still there. Still being a friend. Even wearing some of the shit himself instead of adding it to my stinking heap. And saying that although he can add it, its not fair on me, and has chosen not to.

hmmmm

Id say i was shocked, which i am, but im not.

Id say i was glad, which i am, but im not

mostly – im just confused.