Okaaaay then…..

That last post and its reaction (both on and off the blog) was certainly unexpected. Also varied, intense, and surprising.

Thankyou all for your caring, support, advice, and especially hugs.

Even nasty things that were said were said from wanting whats best for me. I CAN see that, and i appreciate the place it came from.

Things have happened since then. Alot of things. Including me completely losing my mind and behaving very childish, and physically belting the fucking shit out of a few inanimate objects.

Not something Im proud of, and usually im the first one to think “how pathetic – grow up” when others do it. Its the first, last and only time i have or will ever do it. At the time, I simply couldnt not. I was more furious than I have ever been. Not just at Dickhead, but at myself also. And basically the entire world.

Cancer takes its toll on things other than the body. It craps all over your life, your mind, your heart, your plans, EVERYTHING. It makes you say, think and act in ways you never would otherise. And it affects all those around you. To those who read this that mine has affected, in any way, i apologise. it was not my intent.

Now i will say that Dickhead was (and still is in many ways) and absolute cunt. But I will also say that I can be a shocking bitch too. And I have been. That last post was really one sided. Dickhead is alsxo many things that are awesome. I am a smart woman, a good woman. I would not love a man who was 100% cunt. Please understand that there are many good things about him too. Some of it I blog, but much o it I prefer to keep to myself. Im of the belief that the really good stuff is best kept secret, known only to me. Then no-one can make a comment on it etc that might tarnish it. Its perfection remains unblemished in my heart and mind.

Yes Im defending him. He is a good man. Im also defending myself. I dont like being told im an idiot. Things could and would be much different…… but their not.

He is still a cunt. He has still hurt me. Alot. More than alot. And angered me, angered me more than Bugalugs’ dad did when he did what he did. That tells me that not only did Dickhead do something extreemly serious, but also that i feel for him an awful lot.

Stupid one night stands that dont end. If only we had of left it at that first night!

I love him. I hate him.

I have cancer.

I have no clue.

This doesnt mean he is forgiven. This doesnt mean the hit man has been employed.

I dont know what this means.

All I know is that i have loved a very VERY good man, who has hurt me very VERY much.

And that he leaves in 5 sleeps. 5 sleeps in his own house. Not mine.

And not to defend him, because I truly 100% believe he is in the wrong, and should have spent quite a few nights sleeping over, but perhaps, like me who cares for my elderly grandfather (and my grandmother too until she passed) that perhaps something like this keeps him from being away from home for 24hrs straight? I do recall having mentioned “family commitments” as something on BOTH our sides that keeps us apart.

He isnt the devil incarnate. And i sure as fuck am no angel.

And if you read this babe, I love you, but your a fucking asshole. And you know it.

Where does this leave us? Where will this go? What will happen? What am I trying to say with this post???????

All that and more in the next episode of………..

Just joking. The answer to all of that, and much much more is “I dont fucking know”.

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7 Comments on “Okaaaay then…..”

  1. Aurelius Says:

    The role of the man in a relationship is to make the woman happy.
    The role of the woman is to communicate how successful the man is in his role.
    The role of their friends is to hate either party if said party is failing to meet their role.

    It’s nice to know I’m at least doing my job right!

  2. coyotemike Says:

    Wait, you mean I shouldn’t have bought that plane ticket and aranged a meeting with an Aussie arms dealer? And now what am I supposed to do with my lovingly drawn (in crayon) plan o wild hijinks?

    Many more hugs for you, darling, and if people talk about it, it won’t be because of the number of hugs, but that I insist on hugging you from behind with one hand up your shirt and the other down your pants.

  3. huniii Says:

    under that logic Im failing too.

    please fwd crayon drawing immediately. dont cancel on the arms dealer, but watch out, he’s probably lebbo too.

    Keep them hugs a coming! And let them talk babe, after i managed to stop pissing myself laughing, I kinda like the sound of that! Thats my kinda hug!

  4. lori Says:

    there’s usualyl 2 sides Hunnii! and this blog, is all about you.

  5. missy Says:

    it is so simple to read into your blog as that written by someone who is trying very hard to convince themselves why they are in this type of ‘relationship’ – it’s full of a lot of delusion… not one of your recent descriptions about how you both ‘love each other’ rings true. even with the myriad private stuff you don’t blog about or even need to blog about.

    the ‘One Night Stand’ line rang very fucking true in my ears – I was in one of those for 8 years – a damaging twisted ultimately dangerous entanglement. I spent a long long time wishing i’d never talked back to him in the pub and then realised I had to grow up and just not talk to him anymore. I’m much much happier for it!

    even to describe him as a cunt, dickhead or whatever easily explains that this is not real love but 2 very weak individuals in a situation that does not have to be like this!

    BE A STRONGER PERSON FOR FUCKS. you should go through your own blog and make 2 lists – things you do for him and things he does for you and then see what the balance is.

    and as for not staying the night – there is NO excuse on this earth that would stand up in a court of decent men and woman other then he really is a cunt and you are weak for trying to justify it.

  6. huniii Says:

    interesting choice for your first comment on my blog. Obviously you know everything. Ima plenty fuckin strong person. And i dont need to go through my BLOG to make a fucking list, because that list would be incomplete and WRONG.

    And there is an excuse for staying. I dont like it but its valid. Dont tell me theres none, you know not of which you speak.

    Back the fuck off. Im obviously giving myself a hard enough time without you adding to it without even knowing what thefuck your on about. Post a fucking link so we can see how non-messed up YOU are and then we can talk. “BE A STRONGER PERSON FOR FUCKS” and come out of hiding

    sheesh i HATE when people lash out and cant even stand up and show themselves. cowards. one and all.

  7. missy Says:

    I don’t have a blog so there is nothing to show except my opinion after reading your archives. Opinion = free thought.

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