The Sunday After The Saturday Before

Dickhead hit me with a bombshell today. He’s leaving 2 days earlier than he had said before. You might not think that 2 days is very much. It is when it droops the number of days your ever going to see someone again. Then 2 days is alot. Now its only 9 sleeps. I dont like it. Not one bit.

I broached a subject Id been too scared to mention. His culture spends an awful lot of time farewell-ing and welcomne home-ing. I said that I doubted Id get to see him on the day he left. And I wasnt sure if id get to in the couple of days leading up to it. He didnt correct me. I pushed him to either tell me I was wrong or concur with my statement. He agreed I was probably right. It cut to the bone. That he would exclude me like that. That he was flying out, possibly never to see me again, and he would forsake seeing me that day to say goodbye. I dont know how I held it together. I felt numb. My chest hurt. The cancer which I can now feel, felt heavier than it ever has. I hate the melodramatic way people say “a little peice of me died that day” but I can say it myself honestly here. The peice that died was the last bit that truly believed he loves me.

Right now Im sitting at the beach writing this. (pause to take pic to prove it). I fully intend to transcribe it word for word when I get home, because while writing is theraputic, actually publishing it and having people read it is way more so. This is the 2nd time in 2 days ive come here. The beach makes me feel better. Makes me get right with myself. DH said yesterday “it does you good when you go to the beach”. Its how I deal. How I heal. (and obviously write crap that rhymes)

hes just rung me now. I braved it. I needed the truth, so i asked. Dickhead has never stayed over. I want him to. Its on the list of things I want to do before I go. Its in the top 5. I want to sleep with my man. I want to cuddle up to him. I want him to hold me and make me think that everythings ok. I want to wake up next to hom. I want to pretend we are a normal couple. Most of all I just want to relax and enjoy him, without constantly wondering how long I have till he leaves. He had said that i would get that. That it was guaranteed. I trusted him, believed him, and let it go, having faith that he would come through.Now that I asked, he has said he doesnt knwo if that will happen.That its a possibility. What? I did my part. I did the things he wanted to do with me before he left. He said he wanted to get them done first, so that they are out of the way, so that the last couple of weeks we could relax and just enjoy each other. Now its halfway through “our” time, and im still doing his stuff, and my guarantees have turned into mere possibilities.

Im having a very hard time.

I dont know if I can trust him anymore. Im having trouble keeping faith. Im having a hard time trying to convince myself that im wrong to be feeling used, that he isnt just being selfish and getting all he can out of me. Im having trouble staying strong, believing that he truly values my feelings and desires. Im afraid im going to hate him. Im afraid im already starting to.

What kind of man tells you he loves you, but doesnt appear to want you, miss you, need you, be with you, to be terrified of your ever approaching death? Who doesnt turn around and tell the rest of the world to fuck off, that his woman is dying and he wants to be there with her before its too late? Because everything else but her will be there upon his return? That even if its fucked up a bit by him doing that, that he has the chance to fix it when he returns, but not the chance with his woman? What kind of man doesnt absolutely guarantee to see you the day he leaves to say goodbye?

What kind of man can still want you to have threesomes, take care of his business accounts for him, finish doing up his car for him etc before he goes, but cant promise to stay over one night? Who doesnt come up for your birthday, even though he didnt last year either and promised then to make it up to you? Even though its your last one? I know he is sick himself. I know thats why he is leaving in the first place, because he has a chance to get better, I know he has extenuating circumstances as to why he didnt come, i know he is crazy busy, i know he has a week to get his shit in order before going overseas, and I know I love him to bits, and will probably get over this and regret ever saying it online especially when he reads it, BUT….

Please, somebody help me answer it. Because all I can seem to come up with as an answer to that right now, is something that comes second on the list of things i dont want to think about, shortly after the idea that im leaving my child an orphan.

The only answer I can find right now, is that he is a man who doesnt love me.

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22 Comments on “The Sunday After The Saturday Before”

  1. coyotemike Says:

    If he doesn’t love you, then he is a fool. And a selfish fool at that. I know I’ll never meet you, but I wish I could, just so I could give you what you ask for.

  2. SurferCam Says:

    Firstly, Happy Birthday for Saturday, hope it was great.
    Secondly, I am so very confused (it’s easy with 2 brain cells) – how come you are with DH but he has never stayed over at your place?

  3. Aurelius Says:

    For the last 18 months I’ve been telling you – he doesn’t give a toss about you, he’s in it for him. He’s a selfish prick. He’s in this deal for what DH can get out of it, nothing else.

  4. lori Says:

    my heart hurts for you. i know you have friends who are busy telling and reinforcing to you their ideas and beliefs about you and DH and how is selfish, but maybe look at it another way.

    perhaps he has been in your life, as a distraction to the battle that you have had to fight with your body. Allowed you to feel pleasure and enjoy some of those moments that you might not have had or allowed yourself to have.

    i would instead, focus your time on your son, and leave it to DH to be whoever he is.

    You deserve better, all women who have loved Dickheads have always deserved better.

  5. sm Says:

    Honey…. (to quote a quote): “the person you love and the person that loves you is never ever the same person”.
    I wish, honestlygodly, that he’d given what you wanted a long long time ago. It breaks my heart to think he hasnt as obviously cannot.

    xx sm

  6. treespotter Says:

    i’m not the person to give any relationship advice here, a master at spectacular fuck up myself, but that really doesn’t sound too good. Look after yourself girl, sounds like you deserve a lot better than that.

    you should know, you been calling him dickhead.

  7. Suvvy Says:

    I haven’t ever posted on here before but have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks and also trying to catch up on your archives. I found your blog through Coyotemike, one of my bestest real life guy friends. Anywho,

    Dickhead sounds just like you put it a dick head. You are not asking for too much, what you are asking for is simple and you deserve it. After reading what I have so far, I think you deserve someone that is not so self centered. Granted I am unclear still as to what his sickness is but it still doesn’t give him the right to take and take and never give back. (I will also mention at this point that I’m 4 months pregnant and have the hormones to boot). Only you can decide if he is worth feeling like shit over or not. But at least you have one man that loves you and will always love you unconditionally…Bugalugs. 🙂

  8. Aurelius Says:

    Suvvy’s right! Bugalugs is the one and only man for you Hun!

  9. huniii Says:

    coyote
    everyone lubs me, for i am teh hawtness

    surfer
    thanks for the bday lovin! and i have 3 brain cells and i get confused plenty!

    aurs
    you had R. you know exactly how i feel, and felt the same. i know you love me and speak from that love, and you know theres more to it than is here.

    lori
    thanks sweetie. and your right at least in part. what everyone is forgetting is that im an intelligent woman. a good woman. and although i may bitch here when he annoys me or i get hurt (as happens both ways in every relationship) there is plenty of good in him. if there wasnt i wouldnt have stayed.

    ehem
    can i just remind everyone that this is the same man i wrote a post with over 100 things i loved about him, and didnt even need to pause to think? i know you are all trying to support me and i am grateful for it, truly i am. but please dont think he is the devil and im an angel, because thats not true. I dont want to defend him when im angry and hurting. but you must realise that for me to love him he must have a side thats brilliance equals his assholery.

    sm
    great to see you back. that quote is quite true. and thankyou for seeing that it isnt WONT give but CANNOT. the point is that he is sick. and i am sick. and its fucked up. it was never going to be easy, or normal.

    treespotter
    i have a phd in fucking up relationships too! thanku. and yeah hes a dickhead, but hes my dickhead. and im a fucking bitch sometimes LOL and definately hard to live with

    suvvy
    glad you delurked!hearing you on the hormones hehe. and just so you know, ive never outed dickheads exact thing that makes him sick. bugalugs sure will always love me, and im grateful for it, but its not the same thing.

    aurs
    not really babe. bugalugs is my son, not my man. and the love shared between a mother and child is nothing like that between a man and a woman.
    and im totally allowed to have me a partner. coz i am teh hawtness!

    i feel shit. i want to vent. i dont want to defend him when he is so obviously doing something i dont want him to do. but he is not all bad. and i do love him. and i stand up for those i love. i know and really appreciate you all trying to make me feel better, truly i do.

    thing is, he leaves in 7 days. and i just need to vent it all, so as i can enjoy the time i have. whatever i can get i want. it wont be enough, it never could be. and if this is how i overreact and deal with shit then so be it. look. i dont even know what im saying now.

    things are fucked. im looking at this as having a cry, and you guys giving me a tissue. please, the emails etc are too much. let me have a cry, get a “there, there” pat on the head, feel better/vindicated and get on with enjoying what i CAN get from my man. to the people who are trying to get me to leave him, it WILL NOT HAPPEN

    hes leaving me. in 7 days. now shut up and give me a hug

  10. killerrabbit Says:

    *BIG HUG*
    That sounds terrible Hunii. Lots of love to you.

  11. sm Says:

    i never went away, i guess im just a silent type. xxx

  12. steph Says:

    For fucks sake! Enough is enough. Cut this prick lose. You are NOT asking too much, you DESERVE much better, you don’t have time to be pandering to this moron who is only concerned for himself.
    Why the fuck can’t he sleep over? Does he turn into a fucking pumpkin at midnight?
    He sounds, and has always sounded, like a petulant, mollycoddled, little boy. You already have ONE little boy. One who really needs you and loves you. You don’t need to pander to this cunt anymore!

  13. coyotemike Says:

    I lubs you, Madame Hawtnessessest!!!

  14. linda Says:

    Hunnii, I really agree with the ‘get rid of him’ majority but seeing your comment where you say you can write 100 things you love about him without stopping to think is something pretty special. Big hug is what you want, here’s mine (((()))))

  15. lori Says:

    just ensure the next 7 days are a wild ride for lots of fun.

    someone told me that there are those in life who will pause to share your campfire and move on, he may be one of those people, and you are sharing his campire. you’re his life lesson, and he is your love, pointless getting rid of him with just 7 days to go.

    i believe in karma, and the concept that you will come back to learn a new lesson in life before your soul moves on in life to something better. sorry for the weird shit in the comments but i am a bit like that, altho my blog doesn’t show it.

    **hugs**

  16. diamondkt Says:

    Hunii needs a hug.

    …and now as I’m typing this, I realize 10,000 other people have already said this before me. Oh well. Another hug never hurts right? Only helps.

  17. coyotemike Says:

    many many many many many many many many many many HUGZEZ!!!!!

  18. treespotter Says:

    *hugs*

    you probably need that.

  19. huniii Says:

    Killer
    Thanku. and lovely that suck a vicious rabbit as you can leave hugs as your first comment on my site!

    sm
    well thats good. like having u around, quiet or not.

    steph
    pumpkin? bwah ha ha ha! perhaps that explains it! *resists saying “by jove, shes got it!”*

    coyote
    as well you should. pack gloves and handle with care.

    linda
    ouch! you squished me! but in a good way. and although at the moment he is a cunt of the highest order, he can also be a legend, which is why i love him in the first place.

    lori
    thanku. and the pointlessness and fact that id be cutting my nose to spite my face is why i hadnt already

    diamond
    i am a hug whore (FYI – mention of whore having no bearing on your latest post, nor my comments on)

    coyote
    thats alot of hugs. people will start to talk!

    TS
    yes. yes i did. thanku

  20. Mia Says:

    ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~

  21. huniii Says:

    Mia
    FARK! thats alot of hugs! thankyou, they were all needed

  22. audrey Says:

    I agree with Steph. You’re fecking dying man – you’d think that you wouldn’t have to put up with the same old crap from boys.

    xooxoxoxooxoxox


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