FACTS

Dickhead and I discussed today the fact that he is in my will. He knows he gets something, but he also knows I will not answer how much. And for those of you who worry, dont. Bugalugs gets almost everything, and will be fine. Lucky for me I’m an Accountant, and Financial Planning is something I PRACTISE and not just PREACH. With out implying anything about my financial status, Im smart enough to have Life Insurance, and have done since before he was born. Plus I own my house, and so in sydney (even out here in the west) you know theres at least 300K in the sale of that no matter what. And seeing as he will be cared for by my parents who are financially sound and will support him themselves, and I interrupt here to say sucko mum n dad, you were enjoying this past year since your youngest moved out, huh? (btw my sis will be out of hospital soon, and moving back in with them for her rehab stints) So Bugalugs will be pretty well set for life (once hes old enough to have one) even if they DO dip into it to finance raising him. (which I dont have a problem with) So as you can see, its all sorted. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Dickhead scores some cash (no bumping me off early so you can collect, mkay babe?)

The point is (or at least was going to be when i sat down to type, before the rambling started) that in discussing it with him, and a couple of mini-chats ive had with others these past few days (and oh yeah, DH got out of hospital this week – hense the lack of me posting) its made me think that for the benefit of friends who dont really DO these conversations, and for those wondering but too lazy to google, lets give some facts on where im at, and where im going, mkay?

Yes I do remember I was drafting a “facts” post a while ago but……SHADDUP. lol

So firstly some statistics on Lung Cancer, and what it is, and how you get it. (besides being the “worlds biggest retard with the most fucked up luck in the history of ever” like I am)

For starters, Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths basically around the world, in both men AND women. If your gunna get cancer, and want to live, this is NOT the bitch you want. (although there are more unpleasant ones to endure, this cunt is deadly). Less than 15% of those diagnosed with Lung Cancer live for 5 years.

Yeah, you heard right, read it again, it doesnt change.

Theres 4 main types, and no, im not spilling the exact details of mine here. Suffice to say I cant say it, let alone spell it! lol. 85% of lung cancer is caused by ciggarettes. That leaves 15% of other causes, which are heaps, and who gives a fuck really. I guess those who keep smoking, and yes i was included in that category until recently, are foolhardy (but my dad still smokes 2 packs a day as at this very moment) or lucky.

SYMPTOMS – this includes some scary news folks, that i didnt know until a few weeks ago. 25% of sufferers have NO SYMPTOMS at the time of diagnosis. Different types have different symptoms, and not all sufferers have all the symptoms, or even the same ones as another patient. The main ones are coughs, coughs that wont go away, coughs that change, coughing up blood, chest pains, shortness of breath, wheezing, and infections like bronchitis and pneumonia (shaddup about my spellin, got it?) Lung Cancer is a fucker at spreading to other parts of the body and developing secondary cancers. Other symptoms that arent so common are growing extra boney bits (yes thats a scientific term, shaddup) aneamia, muscle weakness, weightloss, fatigue, skin irritations and brain function deterioration.

right

Have we all finished laughing at that last one? Can we move on now please?

Yes, that is one im suffering from. We’ll come back to that in a second (if my brain hasnt deteriorated too far by then, mkay?)

On a personal level, most of those, no wait, all of those are things I am experiencing. Some others too, because of the treatment im undergoing.

Whats really getting me down at the moment is the brain thing. I know Ive bitched before about my memory being fucked, and being unable to remember the word i want to use (sometimes quite simple words) and being unable to focus on the conversation at times, even when there isnt any hotties walking past. But now, well, its worse. I keep messing up words, saying things i never meant to say, and things that dont make sense. I keep forgetting what im on about.

I cant drive. I certainly cant park. I have no depth perception. I cant judge how fast im going. Im a speed freak, and do at least 20km over the limit everywhere I go, and the other day i was doing just under 80 in a 110 zone. No, not heavy traffic. No, not double demerits. I thought I was going fast. Granted, it was at night, and i cant see so well at night any more. Im getting confused as to which side the indicators are on (yes my car is german and has them on the wrong side, but im used to that. Or i WAS until about 5 days ago.)

Not being able to drive anymore will be very hard. Dickhead and I have trips planned to the sth coast, canberra, and the hunter. Guess he will be doing the driving huh. (and look – ner ner ni-ner ner my brain hadnt packed it in yet)

So DH is going overseas for treatment for his own thing in mid march. My birthday is the 3rd, so he will be here for that. And my birthday was the estimate of the end of my “useful” time. By useful, i mean the time where i can do shit other than lying there like a lump. He asked when I got sick, how would it go. Im calling it “when I get sick” coz im retarded and am pretending like im not sick now. Im also saying “when Im gone” and “when im finished with you” because saying ‘when im dead’…well….its just not something i can say without getting all weird. Its my impending doom, and fuckers, Ill deal with it my way, mkay? If you dont like it, feel free to swap and show me how its done. Ill swap back once you have, promise! *crosses fingers behind back and looks around, whistling innocent-like*

Well folks, luckily, when I get too sick to annoy my friends with my fucktardary, the end will come quickly. Im stubborn and strong, and will fight a good fight to stay active as long as possible. When I cant continue, I really wont be able to continue. I will basically be a useless lump for a week or two and stop breathing. That last week or so will be a cunt of a time, and i will no doubt be glad its over. There is little about this life that i will miss, but that which i do, will break my heart. Im not scared of dying really. Im just furious at myself for failing as Bugalugs’ mum. Everyone else will deal, and will cope, and will get over it, but something like that affects a kid forever. And no half decent mum on the planet can ever accept that they are doing that to their kid. And thats all i have to say about that, ala Forest Gump.

So DH may just miss my final demise. And before you say or think anything, stop. Make sure its nothing bad. Yes, part of me wants him to be here for me, the selfish part, ill admit it. But also part of me wants him to miss it. I dont want him to have to see me like that. To have to deal with anything more awful than need be. And this treatment thing hes leaving me for is something that could be so so good for him, and I will not deny him that. I wont deny him the chance to get better. No matter what the cost to me. However, I did say I would not condone him leaving while im still good! I cant stop him, but yeah, id be mighty pissed! Truth be told, I desperately hope that it works for him. I honestly do. Its not just words, my own situation has made me want this chance to come good for him so badly its ridiculous.

ehem

back to me, coz im such an attention whore and this is MY blog, dammit!

So like I said, Lung cancer = bitch that bites BIG TIME. Stats quoted to me by a doc were 4/5 die within 2yrs, and 1 in 20 live past 5. awesome, huh! lol. yes, your allowed to laugh. Thats what stops the crying!

In the spirit of that comment, which is how i am in real life, and how ive always been, i leave you with this (seeing as that was such an awful, depressing, shitty, upsetting and heavy post)…………..

Min (my best friend) and I used to joke around a year or so ago, before i was diagnosed. Im one of those people who say theyve done just about everything (like that last meme thing shows lol) except ive ACTUALLY done the things I say i have. Ive fit an awful lot of living into my nearly 27yrs. I often wish i hadnt done most of them, but cest la vie. Anyhoo, when talking about all the shit ive dealt with in my life, i often commented to her that there were only 3 things left that i hadnt done or had happen to me: cancer, a heart attack, and dying – at least one of which was guaranteed to happen!

So either Im now going to live forever, or i won a bonus!

You never know, maybe ill be super lucky and get to be a REAL winner and get all three!

Hey – it could happen.

I’ll open the books at 5-1…………

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Explore posts in the same categories: Brain UNfreeze, Breathing is Overrated Anyway, Bugalugs, Dickhead, Stuff I Know, Things That Shit Me

5 Comments on “FACTS”

  1. Lucy Says:

    I have no idea if this is crossing the commenting line, but you’re not failing your son.

    In no way shape or form.

    You’re loving him and looking after him in life, and will continue to after you’re gone.

    And I’m sorry but that makes you an awesome mother who he’ll always be proud of.

  2. sm Says:

    honey that was pretty hard to read and truth be told i dont know what to say without sounding like a complete tosser (i know i say that every time, I know!!). i admire the fact that youve been writing all of this… how do you say to someone : i hope yr last weeks alive are better than theyre probably going to be::: i dont know! xxx

  3. huniii Says:

    umm, thanks guys. dont really know what to say or how to say it either. so ill just go stick my head back in the sand. its way easier that way! (and sm, special hugs to you)

  4. sm Says:

    hugs right back atcha! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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