Im going straight to hell

Ok, so there are already a million reasons why that statement is true, and the next few blog posts will probably only add to that, but in particular THIS time, that statement is true because i have just had a massive fit at the almighty.

Thats right.

That sadistic bastard has pushed me too far this time, and the smug motherfucker just got a hell of a freaking sermon on the reasons why he should stop being such a fucking cunt.

And i guess the previous paragraph just earned me a few extra degrees of teh hawtness that isnt the good kind once i get to freaking pergatory too. To that i say bring it on.

So my lovely little sis is recovering from her serious-traffic-snarl-inducing accident (like me she likes to see the fun side of tragedy, hense her delight at causing a couple hundred innocent people to be more than an hour late to whatever it was they wanted to get to, all thanks to her). Upon this news of improvement, many of you would be reading with a happy smile curling your lips at the corners of your mouth, thinking to yourself “im so glad shit is finally going right for Honey”

Well stop right there, oh foolish ones! The great fucktard in the sky has other plans for me and mine! MIN, my bestie, has often commented that my friendship isnt something you enjoy, so much as survive – at least if your lucky, which you usually arent around me. So far she is the only friend to last this long without some hideous misfortune befalling her. She regularly gives me a hug goodbye and tells me she hates me and isnt my friend. Just so she makes it safely to another day of hanging out with me. She often calls to invite me somewhere, and is sure to follow it with “just so long as you realise – this isnt coz i like you or nothing”. You may think this harsh, but a girls gotta protect herself!

So as im sure you can appreciate, im not having such a good time with the fact that when I rang Dickhead this morning to see if we were having coffee/whatever today, that his cousin answered his phone with the fact he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance, and in broken english answered my question of “is he ok?” with “hes bad”.

Dickhead has since heard that I called, and rang me briefly to reassure me that hes still alive, but that was 5 hours ago, and that was about all he said. I still dont know whats going on. I know Im overreacting and that he will be fine, but its just not the point. I know this is a part of his THING (his version of my cancer, in that its what makes him fucked up and sick, but it isnt cancer, nor is it my place to say what it is, beyond it being something that is a huge consideration in his world that others cant tell by looking at him or meeting him, but is there all the same and affects everything he does).

I know his THING means that he will be less than perfectly normal and well and fine sometimes. Im ok with that. Its probably going to sound selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but its how I feel. Its really messing with my head.

On one hand, Im actually really worried about him. I dont like not knowing stuff. I dont like not knowing how bad it is, if he is ok (not just physically) and i hate not being able to do anything productive to help. I worry that it could be more than a hiccup. More than just one of those things that happen. I worry that it could be a big deal.

Thats where I get selfish. Its not just for his sake that I hope its a glitch, but for mine too. Of course I dont want it to be a big deal because I dont it to be bad for him, but I also dont want it fucking up my time with him. Theres alot planned between us at the moment, and time to actually have those planned things happen is all but here. For starters, theres something I want that he promised would happen tommorrow. (no not the freaking movie, its good aurs and we will see it but im talking about something bigger and better than that). I dont have forever. Delays in me getting these things i like and want and have waited for and looked forward to are not something im going to like. And i dont want to get grumpy or upset or bitter at missing out or having to wait, because it isnt his fault, its not like he wants to be in hospital, and thats just plain childish.

Still. I cant help feeling like its a carrot im never going to get. Its not the first time this carrot has appeared. Its such a pretty carrot. My mouth is watering for it. I dont know how many more times I can watch it disappear without succumbing to the urge to bite someone.

Its also doing my head in.

I thought i had this whole thing figured out. Well, not all of it, but enough to function and live. There were steps that were going to happen. They had an order, were set out in front of me, known, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. Prepared for.

1. I was going to have some time where I was OK. This time I would spend on planning things and making sure things were set to forget, so tht later when I wasnt able to, i wouldnt have to coz it would be done. Things like who would look after Bugalugs. Where my money would go. What hospital Id be in. How far I wanted doctors to take things. What country Id be spending eternity in, and what religion Id be sent off by.

2. I was going to have some time where I was OK/a little sick. This time I would spend on doing whatever I wanted. Having fun. Doing the things I wanted to do in life. Spending real quality time (not quantity, but QUALITY) with Bugalugs. But mostly, having fun and being happy. Thats where we are now, folks.

3. I was going to have some time where I was a bit sick, and needed spates in hospital. This time I would spend making sure Bugalugs knew all the things I wanted him to know and learn from his mum. Having what fun and happyness I could, but less energetic etc than the last point, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.

4. I was going to have some time where I was quite sick and cant do much. This time I would spend making sure those I care about know it. Making sure that I spent what time I could with people, and saying whatever needed to be said. Someone told me of how they had been spending this time for them, that they had been doing all the grieving for their life, their missed opportunities and the things that were not to be, their lost future, and grieving along with their family and close friends, helping each other grieve the loss.  He told me it helped him to deal with his demons, and face dying. It helped him feel better about knowing he was hurting those he loved, and knowing theyd be ok when he was gone. (thats a big thing to deal with you know. it needs a whole other post, but knowing your going to hurt your loved ones by dying, watching them try to cope and be strong for you, its awful) Their family recently told me how much it helped them, too. That now he has passed, the pain was easier to bear. That although it felt a little odd to not hurt as much as they thought they would, and to hurt less than at other dear ones passings, that it also felt good to be able to have said goodbye properly, truly properly, and said it to him when he could hear it. They all agreed it was better to have the chance to say goodbye and have him hear it, than to say it to a headstone.

5. I was going to have some time where Id be very sick. This time I didnt know what Id do with, and would just do what I could when i got there.

6. Then Id die.

I know that sounds morbid and weird and bizarre. I dont care. You deal with death your way, ill do it mine, mkay? When you all get there lets see you do it better. Until then shut the fuck up or just stop reading. Whatever.

This was the plan. This was how it was going to be. Planning, fun, seriousness, sickness, dead. Cant get more simple than that.

Now Dickhead could be really sick. Even if its just a bit, just enough to fuck him up for a few weeks, those few weeks could be too long for me. They could mean i miss all my fun with him.

I dont want to miss my fun with him.

I know i have Bugalugs and my friends, and they matter alot. In no way does it diminish how much I value them. But I want Dickhead too.

I want my happiness. The possibility that my happy plans are going to get messed up is not something im coping with AT ALL.

That was my plan you asshole. You fucked with my life so i had to make such a shithouse plan. Dont mess with me again. Dont mess with my man. Dont. Just fucking dont.

The plan was good. I could cope with the plan. Dickhead getting sick is not in the plan. Today has already messed with the plan. He needs to be 100% back to normal tomorrow morning, got it?

Damage to the plan is causing my world to spin. Im spiraling out of control. Such a small thing I know, but my coping with this has been such a fragile thing. Dont pull on the loose strings. I know theres alot, and they look very enticing, but just dont pull them ok?

Im only just coping with this cancer bullshit. Im holding it together, ok? Im coping. Im putting on a brave face. But it all hinges on the plan.

And now maybe the plan is wrong. Broken.

I cant do another plan. I dont have it in me. Im tired, worn out, at my absolute limit, cant tak no more.

Please excuse me folks. I think I need to cry.

No, better yet, lets get angry. Its much more Honey’s style!

Fuck this holy trinity shit. This father, son and holy spirit things is too much. The Almighty can be summed up as just THE CUNT.

Go on, god. Punish me to an eternity in hell. Itd fucking be a walk in the park compared to the shit you pull on me up here. BRING IT ON, BITCH.

Oh yeah, and Angels? You who are supposed to guard and guide us to a better life? GAME ON MOLES.

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Explore posts in the same categories: A Great Big Mess, Bitching, Brain UNfreeze, Breathing is Overrated Anyway, Crap, Dickhead, Disjointed, Other Messes, Religion, Things That Shit Me

16 Comments on “Im going straight to hell”

  1. outolumo Says:

    Just a few insights.

    Based on the text above, I see no reason why you would end up in hell. I mean, all that anger of yours has been covered by the grace of God millenia ago.

    Second thing, He doesn’t own us anything. I’m a mental case myself, and thats though enough for me. I think it would have been fun to graduate and do something useful someday. And I will be that to the end of my presumably long life. Praise the Lord.

    It’s not like I had done anything to deserve that. In either positive on negative sense. But you know what? What is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is ultimately a subjective decision. You have your ideas of that, I have mine and He has His. And if He decides to give us something we consider bad, we must
    ask, if He is evil Himself.

    Well, none of us would do what we think is the bad thing. I don’t think He would either. Therefore, what He does He must consider is good. Therefore, in his opinion what we consider to be bad, is good. We disagree with God in what is good or bad.

    Now it sounds to me, that you want to blame God for not agreeing with you. What’s the point? Who are we to blame the judge?

    Speaking of the judge, Father will not judge us. Jesus will. He knows what pain is, he was tortured to death, for heavens sake! He gave up all his plans, hopes and wishes, and obeyed voluntary to the death. He was abandoned there helpless by his father.

    As such, how harsly do you think He will judge the bitterness that springs from our pain – your pain? Remember, when they brought to him an adultrous woman, he asked the sinless one to throw the first stone. They all left, and Jesus just said: “Isn’t anyone left to judge you?” “No.” “Neither will I judge you. Go and sin no more.”

    In the end we shall be resurrected, and Jesus will select to heaven not those, who spoke so well of Him, but those who did well to him, even when they didn’t know that – that is, they showed kindness to people, all of us who He loves.

  2. huniii Says:

    outolumo

    obviously your new around here or youd know how much i hate god-botherers spouting their crap.

    first point, you dont see why Id end up in hell? try calling god a cunt. im sure that was right up there in his book of no-no’s. Something about his 10 commandments comes to mind, you know, the rules which if you break em you go to hell. Forgive me if im wrong but i think its #3, summin about not blaspheming. Theres just a starter. i think promiscuous sex is up on his list too, along with honouring your parents……

    look lets just cut to it and say the only one i havent broken is number 6 – i havent killed anyone, but ive hurt plenty and shot plenty of roos, pigs, rabbits etc in my time.

    I love that you brought up an adultourous woman as your example. How church-goer-like of you to crap on about sluts? Im just surpried you chose a wife cheating on her husband instead of the multitude of whores there are to pick from.

    side note: What is it about whoring? why is it always only the woman who is frowned upon and punished? what about the john? try making the taking illegal, and not the giving. Those women whore to make money, the men to be lazy and not have to put in the effort required to wank. end rant

    as for the crusifiction, if he WAS abandoned by god, which i seem to recall is incorrect, then god makes a pretty shithouse father, huh? and were supposed to choose him voluntarily to guide and care for us? pffft. I fucked off my own dad at 13 coz he beat the shit outta me, im not about to relace him with an indifferent asshole. Jesus didnt give up any plans hopes or wishes. his sole purpose was to do gods bidding, which he did. When he asked why he was forsaken, god chastised him for having so little faith, that it was His plan for him. In being crusified jesus brought home his message to way more people than he ever could have hoped for by being alive. he also proved that faith in god will see you through no matter what your hardship. Well, so sayeth the bible anyways.

    im assuming your second last paragraph means that your not judging me. great for you, and thankyou, but i dont give a toss if you do.

    your last paragraph seems to be trying to give me hope that im not going to hell. i cant say im too much bothered right now either way, and my religious beliefs stem more from the pagan part of my family (no im not going into which religion it is, just think – their south africans, figure it out) with some christian, jewish, muslim and bhuddist ideas thrown in.

    I show plenty of kindness. im known for my big heart, willingness and eagerness to help, and my constant acts of love that i bestow on those i care about. Even strangers are regular recipients of my kindness (those that dont cut me off or drive in front of me at 20kph)

    where has that got me?

    dying of lung cancer with a man whos in hospital having serious issues with his own unfair demise.

    this post was a rant. to make me feel a bit better. to get out some of the anger and hurt and confusion, and to rail against having to always be in control and appear to be coping when in reality im a bee’s dick away from a mental breakdown

    if ive been harsh on you sorry, but you invite that when you comment on someones blog, on a comment that obviously was a big deal to them, without bothering to know the details of the situation. if you commented coz you cared, then you should have known to hold your tongue and not upset/infuriate me further. If you commented because you didnt care then shame on you.

  3. outolumo Says:

    Thank you for ranting, I find it nice that it hs made you feel better 🙂 And no, you have not been harsh at me. I commented because I care and I am crazy enough to dare.

    Nor have you given me any reason to believe why you would be going to hell. Yes, I know the commandments. And I know that Jesus said that he had came for the sinners, that is, for those who break them, people like you. So you could give me a list of just about any sinn you have ever committed, and I would say that it’s not enough to send you to hell. You see, Jesus said: “Verily I say to you, All sins shall be forgiven to the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they shall blaspheme.”

    You see, there is more than taking a message to many and proof that faith will bring over hardships in crusifiction. Looking the pictuture as a whole, the crusifiction can never bee seen apart from resurrection. Without that there would be no message.

    And even if you doubt it, I believe that you might well be among the surprized ones to ask, when have we done any of this to deserve get to heaven? I have yet to see anything to doubt that.
    (There is ONE thing that is not forgiven, referred by Jesus in the context of the quote above, but I’ll not go into that there. Anyhow, from what I’ve seen I have seen no indication of that happening.)

    BTW, I’m not too church-going type myself (I find it rather boring, the best part is chatting with people, but why go to church for that?)

  4. huniii Says:

    HOLY BEJEBUS!!!!
    Well fuck me! A religious sort who doesnt revert to personal jibes when he’s told off! Although i detest with a passion those “i know something you dont know” comments (ie:”There is ONE thing that is not forgiven, referred by Jesus in the context of the quote above, but I’ll not go into that there. Anyhow, from what I’ve seen I have seen no indication of that happening”) and i say to you either spit it out or shut your gob, I have to dip my hat to you and say thankyou for having the balls to rebutt, and for leaving out the personal jibes.

    Although Id love to debate with you all things religious and stupid, I honestly cant be arsed. Mostly because I dont have enough faith in christianity to argue with conviction. Its not like Id change your mind, and I dont even want to. This post wasnt even really about god. Its just me bitching that things arent fair. That their not fun. that ive had enough of everrything being so hard.

    Basically, I just want my man here with me and able to enjoy what we can while we can, and circumstances are trying to stop that from happening and its PISSING ME OFF. And upsetting me. Im not a girl who can cry. I look stupid when I do it and it feels wrong. But this is making me want to cry, huge big wailing, snot nosed, streaming tears type of crying. And I dont do that. So im being angry instead

  5. steph Says:

    Holy snapping duck shit! I think my head just exploded with those comments. Gah!

    Huniii, I don’t have anything to say that wouldn’t sound wanky, so i just want you to know that i read you and i think of you often.

    ((Hugs))

  6. outolumo Says:

    I’m sorry you can’t cry. I really hope you could. I bet you could use a hug if only I could send you one over the Internet.

    And I knew this post was just your rant and not about God. But you talking Him so much made clear that – whether you admit it or not – He does mean something to you. And knowing God I cannot just stand by and listen you yelling about what is not true.

    I’m not asking you to have any faith in Christianity at all. Who cares about Christianity? It’s the reality we are talking. And I see that, despite all your disappointments with Christians (of which I have had my share), you still seem to have some faith in God.

    Btw, the one thing that is not forgiven is rebelling the Holy Spirit. This means, authorized by the Holy Spirit I can tell you: If you just want, all your sins are forgiven. If you don’t want, well, He wont force you to heaven.

    I hope you get your man back from the hospital so that he can give you the hugs you really need. And I hope you could still learn to cry.

  7. huniii Says:

    Tephs
    Stop making a mess all over the place. Its pubilicious over at your blog right now and thats fine, but dont go leaving grey matter all around here for me to clean up!
    Wanky is definately my language, thanks, and your emails have brightened many a moment for me. Hugs for you too. (hands ABOVE the waist, girl!)

    outolumo
    I can cry. I do cry. Just not often coz its pointless and makes my mascara run. And believe it or not, like I said, it had nothing to do with god. I have little to no faith in any religion whatsoever. And even less in you since your comment about being “authorised by the Holy Spirit” What the fuck? Who gave you that authority?

    The faith I have is not in god, or in christians, or any religious people. I have complete faith that even more fucked up shit WILL happen to me before I cark it. I dont need my sins forgiven, nor do I want them to be. Heaven is not something I believe in, so entry is a moot point with me.

    As for getting my man back from hospital, it will happen. And hugs isnt what I want (although they would be nice). Its actually just his company, and his cock.

    And the only crying I want to be doing around him, is crying his name out in ecstacy.

    Something I do NOT need to learn. (but if your reading babe, I can always do with more practise!)

  8. outolumo Says:

    I’m glad to hear that you will get him back. As I am to hear that you are still alive and kicking, quite your normal self. I wish you two great orgasms.

    But s for crying being pointless, I disagree. When you feel like crying, there is a reason – need – for that, and crying is an action to fill that need. Just like drinking when you are thirsty of eating when hungry. Not crying is pointless when you have the want to cry. (On the other hand, when veiled in such a shallow excuses as yours, hints that there might be a reason why you are afraid to cry. That’s perfectly ok too.)

    And I’m not asking you to have faith in any religion, religious authority, religoius people, least of all me. There’s little to nothing I have to offer, as I see it. And I have no doubt that there is a load of shit coming your way. This is life. Or dying. There really isn’t much difference as I see it.

    And I don’t really care if you believe in heaven and hell or not – and even less what you claim you do. You see, if it’s true it makes no difference wether we believe it or not. Otherwise you could always try disbelieving any of the shit happening.

    And as for the authority, as I said in the very words you quoted: I got it from Him. I don’t ask you to believe me. I just present my case here.

  9. audrey Says:

    Darling Huniii, let’s form an army. GAME ON MOLLS indeed. No offence outomo, but you can take your ‘God’ and you can kick him up the jaxie for me. Because if there is a God, guaranteed when I meet him I’m going to be asking him some pretty stiff questions about why he’s such a motherfucking fuckstick when it comes to choosing cancer sufferers.

    Huniii, sweet hugs to you.

  10. outolumo Says:

    audrey, I welcome you to ask Him anything you want. I’m quite sure He wont be offended and has some very satisfying answers.

  11. huniii Says:

    Ms Bad Apple
    Can we make sure OUR army has WMDs? I dont wanna end up in a hole in the ground…. oops, my bad! lol
    Your comment reinded me of that bit in the end of titanic when leo says hes going to “write a very stern letter to the White Star Line”
    Motherfucking fuckstick. tee hee hee

    outolumo
    i didnt respond last time because your last paragraph confirmed my suspicions that yes, you are indeed, a LOON. God gave you authority? What, did he also grant the gift of reading egyption hyrogliphics? Did he tell you to write his word on gold tablets that you somehow managed to umm, lose?

    As for your comment to audrey, I dont usually be so rude as to answer for other people, but fuck it, its my freaking blog and ill do as i please (sorry audrey!) Who gives a flying shit if hes offended? And theres NOTHING the fucker can say that would satify me in response to the question of “why the fuck are you such a Cunty McCunt, asshole?”

    And as a suggestion, should you feel the need to comment again (seeing as you have AUTHORITY and shit) I leave you with a quote:

    Hell hath no fury…

    Im sure you know the rest. Otherwise, feel free to join Him in a refresher course.

  12. audrey Says:

    hahahah! cunty mccunt…

    the world will truly be at a deficit without your humour miss h.

    I’ll miss you.

    Cancer can go fuck itself.

    outoumo, your god is fucked and he can fuck himself too. i have nothing to say to him.

    huniii – you didn’t answer my question on my blog. if you can, will you let me know that you’re alright, that it’s alright? i need to know, and i know you understand why.
    xoxoxooxoxo

    ps feel free to rant away all you like at god botherers…

  13. outolumo Says:

    huniii,

    Sorry, He only gave me authority to forgive sins. And another sorry, I haven’t read the Bible in English, so I don’t know the rest.

    All the best.

  14. huniii Says:

    Audrey
    only my humour? gee. thanks.
    LOL
    Im heading to your blog now………

    Outolumo
    So your like, a priest? minister? what? You havent even said which religion you are. Hard to argue you when I dont know which bible it is your reading. And what do you mean you havent read it in english? And the bible says that judgement and forgiveness is gods to give. Catholic priests are hypocrites and blasphemers to think their forgiveness is enough to atone for sins. And as far as I know Catholocism is the only faith that lets their priests forgive.

    All the best? What kind of asshole statement is that?

    Take your empty platitudes and whacky idea that you have been ordained by God himself to be allowed to forgive sins on his behalf and shove it up your ass

    SIDEWAYS

  15. audrey Says:

    Hey toots – sorry, I was really drunk the other night when I wrote that comment. I think somewhere a while back I asked you to send me a sign like a yellow flower or something ‘after’ to let me know that whereever you where, if you where anywhere, it was ok.

    I just wanted to know because of….stuff. You know.

    Anyway, it sounds really silly and selfish and dumb now.

    x

    I think outloumo is taking the piss or is a complete nutjob. Maybe both.

  16. sm Says:

    oh my god, all that ‘Him’ business was driving me bonkers.
    Hunii I too don’t know what to say but thoughts are definitely with you – no, not ‘His’… mine! xxx
    ps: imaging how dull heaven would be.. all those do-goody types and pleated pants. At least hell has eternal fires… and devils… maybe they are sexy devils? xx


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