Tales from Casa Del Sickness Part I

So theres this young 15 year old girl here named Amanda. She fucking cracks me up. You wouldnt think thered be 20 laughs a minute in this place, but there are. Its just interspersed with all the crying and dying and shite.

So anyways, amanda and I have hit it off. She was all angsty over summin and i gave her some sage advice (yes, at 26, i am capable of giving sage advice to a 15year old, shaddup). I was feeling particularly down over something the other day and she took it upon herself to share her secret for cheering herself up. And as soon as she did, I fell in love with her.

You know those devices the quacks use to measure your pulse/blood pressure/oxygen levels etc? well her machine for checking said things has been very weel/very badly calibrated. Its mega sensitive. So for a laugh, she takes a few big breaths, and then she holds it. For as long as she can. Which takes about 10 seconds for the machine to think shes dying and send out the SOS beeps. Nurses/doctors/gawkers come a running from everywhere on the ward in a panic. To which Amanda pisses herself laughing. And i must admit, its fekkin funny. Especially the chastising she gets when she does it 2-3 times in a row. Even more so at handover.

BWAH HAH HAH HAH

Yes she knows the story of the boy who cried wolf. Yes the nurses/doctors chastise her endlessly. No it makes no difference. She reckons, and tells them so too, that shes gunna die. Maybe not today, but soon. So them not coming if she WAS dying, well, who cares, coz when her times up its up. So to her it doesnt matter. But THEY would be in some hot water if they hear the alarm and DONT come running, whether they think its real or not. So she keeps going. Personally, I think the NUM’s idea of telling her that she had a cold cup of tea after Amanda repeated this excercise 3 times in a row one night did more to ENcourage her than DIScourage. Sigh. The girls HILARIOUS I tells ya.

*************

So the tea lady’s name is Maroushka. Shes Russian born. She reminds me so much of Frog, in her difficulties pronouncing words, and in her flat out refusal to call some things by their proper english names (youd be surprised what seemingly benign words sound like really bad ones in other languages). So anyways, we get along well, and she hides the good busicuits for me and amanda (and im sure 1 or 2 other patients here & there). I tell you, if your ever in hospital, make friends with the tea lady. And the cleaning staff. Trust me, it makes it bearable.

******************

So theres a guy down the other end of the ward. Hes old. Like wrinkly old. And every day the nurses draw straws to see who gets stuck with his sponge baths. Seems he likes to greet them with a hard on & some lewd comments. My favourite nurse reckons its gross. She says it wouldnt be so bad if you didnt have to try and stifle the giggles at how small his pecker is.

DISCLAIMER
“pecker” is HER word, not mine. I dont think Ive ever used the word “pecker”. eww.

*********************

I got let out of here the other day for a day trip and to pick up my car. Within an hour of escaping (yes im calling it that) I was complimented by 2 strangers:

STRANGER 1: “you smell LOVELY! what is it your wearing if i may ask?”

STRANGER 2: “That shirt is a lovely colour on you. You look gorgeous”

Sigh. (but this time a good sigh)

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7 Comments on “Tales from Casa Del Sickness Part I”

  1. steph Says:

    Girl, the places that you find fun!!! Yous certifiable.

  2. huniii Says:

    tephs
    you only JUST figured that out now? for shame


  3. Hunii, Amanda shows a laugh, and she does have a point! Nurses and sponge baths, ewww! Grim job!

  4. coyotemike Says:

    I look forward to being a dirty old man someday. To practice, I am now a dirty young man. But the damned nurses didn’t want to give me a sponge bath. I feel left out.

  5. huniii Says:

    1/2man
    Amanda is a freak. she fekkin HILARIOUS. you should see what she does to her own mother.

    coyote
    dirty? how dirty? good dirty or bad? these are all very important points you left out!
    mmmmmm, dirty men!

  6. coyotemike Says:

    The fun kind of dirty.


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