Speaking of….

Speaking of things I keep meaning to do, and havent done yet, theres some things I really need to think about. There are some decisions I have to make. And their big ones, too. Dickhead mentioned the other day that I would put off making a decision forever if I could, and he’s right. I procrastinate until the very last second. And Im doing it again. Ive been telling myself that I wanted to talk to him about these things. Some of them anyway. I dont want him to make my decisions for me, no way! He has recently decided to take it upon himself to make 2 small ones on my behalf, and I bucked. BADLY. He doesnt even realise how utterly horrid it felt. But. And that BUT is a scary but. And not for public consumption.


The reason I want to talk it over with him is because speaking to him makes me feel better. Part of it is that when I talk to him about it, just saying it out loud makes things stand out as stupid, or as totally unarguable. Hes a great sounding board. Part of it is that I value his opinion. That doesnt mean that hearing his opinion changes mine (although that has happened), but hearing it is important to me. He makes alot of sense. Usually. Part of it is that, in discussing it with him, he will say something. And instead of me thinking how I had been, or how he does, that comment sends me on a third and completely different train of thought. And THATS the part I find amazing. Basically, he broadens my mind. He shows me for a fool. He corrects my mistakes. And he shows me that I’m smart. Whichever is aplicable at the time, he does it. Most of all, he helps me make the best decision I can make.

These decisions are big, and important. Its crunch time, and its an even bigger crunch time seeing as this time its me setting the agenda. I decided it was time to make the choices.

I need to decide who I am. What I believe. What I stand for. Where I am. Where Im going. How I get there. What I want my son to learn. Who I want to be.

Because some of those things I thought I knew have changed. Others Ive learnt that I never knew to begin with. And some are just wrong.

Its time I really grew up, not just pretended to.

Facing death will do that to you.

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