Ok, But What About Today?

So this morning I woke up grumpy. Thanks to Dickhead. sigh. And although a friend of mine was coming down from Katoomba to see me, one I hadnt seen in quite a while, and I was looking forward to it, the visit was tarnished before it even happened, because one of the things we were going to be doing while she was down here was designing his website, and true to form, Dickhead had left everyhting to the last minute, and had run out of time to go over everything before she got here. So it was all down to me. Sure, great, fine, its not like I have anything else to worry about, is it?

Add to that the fact that the doctors were just teasing me, and it seems tomorrow wont be the last day of their torture after all. sigh. fuckers. I wanna go home.

My gf came down and we had a great visit. She stayed much longer than she planned, and we giggled so much my beepy machine went of twice. Im talking about the beepy machine that makes the nurses come running from everywhere when it goes off coz they understand beep-speak, and its saying “hurry up you dumb slut, shes gunna die”. Either they think im just too cute to die yet, or they get just as pissed off with its shrill interruptions to their sleep as I do, because they drop what their doing and hustle, let me tell ya!

My afternoon was punctuated with conversations with medical proffessionals that I really didnt want to hear. My evening was consumed with conversations about tomorrows funeral that I really dont want to attend, and dont know if Id even be allowed to in my current condition. And Bugalugs didnt come up to see his mummy. Aparently playing in his friends new cubby house was much more fun. So I felt and feel like crap.

But whats making me feel worse, is Dickhead and his being too busy for me. There was a half conversation this morning whilst he was at the airport collecting his brother whos here fore the next couple of days, which means im hardly going to hear from him. One where he promised me something that made me really happy. It was something I took to be a big thing, a good thing. And it influenced a decision Ive been pondering for a while now. A decision about something Dickhead has been asking me to make. Wanting me to make. And Ive been getting close to saying yes. And its nothing to do with his business, but I guess that might be affected by it. But just as I was getting closer to agreeing to what he had asked me to, he said something that made me baulk. Big time.

Bugalugs is my life. Fact. Dickhead knows this, and never expects anything less. He would be rather dissappointed in me I think if I even thought about that not being the case. I also have a past that affects how I am now. Fact. Dickhead knows this, but also wants me to get over it. I have a picture of where I want to be this time next year, and further in the future (date yet to be decided). I dont want to make the same mistakes Ive made before. (new ones are so much more exciting). I dont want to get into things I can see a problem with straight up. I also have things that I want RIGHT NOW.

What he said this morning made me slam my brakes on. It was a surprise. I dont know if how I first took it is the stance I will continue to take. I dont know if I took it the way he meant it. Im quite sure he thought it was an innocuous little comment. Well, not to me. To me it raised a HUGE RED FLAG. I had to dip out of our talk time to collect my thoughts (and my stomach from where it had dropped to the floor). He worried, and wanted to know what was wrong, why his comment had made me change so suddenly, why I was acting differently. I couldnt talk. I told him I would later.

Problem is, Im going to bed now, and later still isnt here.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Bitching, Brain UNfreeze, Breathing is Overrated Anyway, Bugalugs, Dickhead, Friends, Stuff I Know

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