Smarter Than The Average…..& Never Late For Dinner

Bear

1964 -2006

I spent a long time at the computer last night. I wrote quite a lot. I was very proud of my work. It came both easily and with great difficulty. I was proud of what I had written, both for him and for me. And then it all dissappeared. So here I am again, and funnily enough, it feels alot like it did last night. I guess I needed to say more. I guess he wasnt quite done with hearing what I have to say. So this time it will be a different post, the last being a long list of his faults, the things others saw, followed by what was real. This time its more the story of what happened, and how things are now.

On Monday, Bear didnt show up to see me. I found this quite odd, but then again, he often goes off on a bender, so i was dissappointed but not alarmed. The boys all headed up on Tuesday evening for dinner, and although Bear hadnt replied to the text message inviting him (he never answers his fone, you cant riding a bike) he would never miss a free feed, and I expected him to be there. So when dinner was served and he still hadnt arrived, the conversation quickly turned to this surprising fact. It quickly became apparent that not one of the boys had heard from him in 2 days, and either had I. This being completely out of character, the meal was quickly abandoned and phone calls were made to search for him. I rang Dickhead who said his sms’ from the day before hadnt been answered either. The guys and I were worried, personally I was in near panic mode. I had felt uneasy about him not coming up for his daily visits to me in hospital. He has been my rock through this whole hospital malarky and some days was what kept me from packing up and going home.

One of my boys, Keefer, was out his way (Bear lived in the inner west) and headed straight for his place. No answer to his knocks on the door, no answer. Keefer enlistis Bears neighbour to help, and kicks in the front door, deciding that maybe theres some hint inside as to what the fuck is going on.

The phone call he makes to tell us what he found must have been a hard one to make. Its obvious Bears been there for a while, the syringe still in his arm.

Bear was a drunkard, a womaniser, a thug, a drug user, a brawler, a bastard, and a few screws loose. He was harsh, loud, brash, uncouth, rough and ready. Bad tempered and quick to fire up, he never backed down from a fight and was usually the one to start it. Easy to hate and hard to love, he played to win and cared little for collateral damage.

Whats his was his, and that was the end of the story a far as he was concerned. You scratched his bike parking your car? You wont have a car to come back to. You cheated him on a deal? He’d take or destroy everything you owned. You spoke ill of him? He’d break your jaw. However you hurt him or wronged him, he’d make sure you paid a hefty price. 

Bear didnt see his friends as other people, he saw them as his belongings. That might sound horrible to you, but it wasnt. Like I said, whats his was his, and he treated us like we were just an extention of himself. Someone hurt us, they hurt Bear. He protected us. Someone did good by us, they did good by Bear. Our friends were his friends. If Bear won at the races, or work was particularly profitable that week, we all shared in the bounty. (None of us are slackers, when weeks were bad we all pitched in and did more than what was needed).

New additions to our circle always commented that Bear seemed to have a special place in his heart for me. That it was like I was his little sister. He would protect me from harm, soothe my pains, and was vicious to those who wished ill on me. He would also scold me for my bad choices, forbid me to go places, see people, or do things he didnt approve. He was always “all up in my business”. He had a nose for sniffing me out, and would always know if I was hiding something from him. He had an uncanny ability to know exactly what I was doing, even when it was impossible for him to know. I wasnt his little sister though, it was more like I was his pet. A dear companion whose presence gladdened his heart, but who needed a strong hand to keep them in line as the sweet thing he saw when he looked at me. Many a time he’d grab me in his big arms, hold me tightly to his chest and ruffle my hair, shoving me aside when hed had enough sayin “gorn git” with a smile in his voice, and a hearty chuckle at the state of my hair and my useless attempts at protesting and remonstrations.

My boys are of the opinion im taking it hard. I can see why they say so. But at the same time im not sure. In fact, im not sure of much at all. This time its different. Theres a heavyness there that ive never felt before. The tears dont come. The pain is dull. Everythings dull. I find myslef lost in space, not thinking, not feeling, not even being, not that that makes sense. Its a heavy heart, a heavy mind, and a heavy soul that resides in me right now. And its a load I dont know how to lift.

Some will think it silly, and I wouldnt blame them, i dont even know how i feel about it myself, but culturally its significant. The significance stares me in the face, coming unbiddent to my thoughts, seemingly out of nowhere, but come it does, most incessantly. Its a significance I cant brush off.

This cancer carries death upon its back that seeks to take me has been thwarted by this treatment. Bear has kept a solid vigil by my side, and been the medics strongest advocate. On the day I receive news that death has indeed been cheated at least for now, death wheels around, furious, he takes his vengance on my champion. It is my fault. I have bad luck (not really the right word but fuck yas, it’ll have to do, its one of those things that doesnt translate). I have cheated and must pay the price, death must have its kill.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Brain UNfreeze, Culture, The Boys

4 Comments on “Smarter Than The Average…..& Never Late For Dinner”

  1. Scorpy Says:

    ..this is brilliant. I once lost a friend and blamed myself for their accident because of the things I could have done but didn’t…I could never put it into words and it haunted me for years. if I could have written something half as well as you in the way you have expressed your loss and his life I think it may have made it easier.
    Take care Honey and glad to see that fate has, at least, dealt you a better hand….you have your son to look after..

  2. huniii Says:

    thanks scorpy. it aint often i get kudos for writing well on here. usually its the opposite – people yelling at me for making no sense.

    and although it doesnt feel right, i am grateful to still be here for Bugalugs. i just wishit wasnt at the expense of others

  3. steph Says:

    Beautifully put. I think Bear would have liked that post.

    So sorry to hear of your loss Huniii. I won’t say anything trite.
    I’m thinking of you.

  4. huniii Says:

    Tephs
    Thanks darls. But I dont think he’d have liked it. Much too soppy. I got in trouble for the one about him not being so tough. But secretly i think he was chuffed! LOLZ


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