Dickhead has this thing he teases me about. I have frogs in plague proportions that live in the bush behind my house. I HATE FROGS. Dickhead knows this. He teases me with juvenile ridiculous comments about me using them for my sexual enjoyment. Trust me, you dont want to know more, hes fucking crazy. He does this because he knows how much I hate them. Yes I know its bizzare. I dont care. Theyre fucking horrible creepy fucking things and just ewwwwww. They get inside and jump around the house. They croak all night long. They get in the carpet and get covered in fluff and die, because they either get dry, cant find the way outside again, or get caught in the pile. Then they stretch out and go all hard and require vaccuuming. Their disgusting. Yes I have a thing about frogs, Its not sexual, its repulsion. And the other day a great big fucker jumped out of a tree I was trimming and straight down my top.  Much cursing, yelling and freaking out ensued, accompanied by a rather odd “get it off, get it off” dance.It freaked me out and i ran inside. Dickhead found it most amusing. I did not.

Dickhead (hmmm, funny how all these things have something to do with dickhead being awful to me, huh?) as you know owns his own business. He’s in tree lopping. He works mostly on the leafy north shore, far away from my westie abode! (see, now you can see why we have issues around seeing much of each other, because he works in the north and east, i live west, and he lives in the Leb capital (ie south for all you internationals. Kilometres are racked up on our cars like phone calls) Anyway, at the start of this year, a tree in my backyard died. Bugalugs was in a tree climbing phase (obsessed with Dickhead and wanted to be like him) and I couldnt keep him out of it. It was so dead it started falling over. One day while Dickhead was here and we were in the yard drinking beers in the sun, I mentioned to him that he would have to fix it for me please. He stood up, walked over, and PUSHED THE TREE OVER. (see llama, told you he has nice strong arms….mmmmmmm……Dickheads arms……drool) Sorry, Ive snapped out of that now! So ok, Bugalugs cant climb the tree and have it fall with him in it, thats good. But now I have a tree lying across my yard. Sigh. Dickhead promises to send one of his boys up with the ute in the next few days to get rid of it for me. Cue a month or two later and I still cant walk through my yard, and I have the lawn guy coming (id put it off until the tree was gone but that never happened and the grass was up to my ears by now) So it was up to me. I managed to cut it in half a coouple of times, and move it to the corner of the yard, with the stump still lying in the garden. At least the lawn can be mown! Its now 8 or 9 months later, the tree is still here in a pile, the stump is still in the garden, and its snake season. Ive had 2 in the yard already, and the neighbours have all seen at least 1 each. Can men do anything they promise? Ever? Babe, can you move it now please? Like Ive asked a few times in the past week or two? I dont want snakes living in the pile of branches! Whats his response? “Yeah, Ill do it soon. But I know why you REALLY dont want the snakes there. Its coz theyre eating all your frogs and your missing out on your fun, innit?” Sigh. Bastard. LOL.

Another Dickhead thing. Christ. I shouldve called this post Dickhead & the Animals. I got in trouble for having a few big trees come down in my street recently, and not having scored Dickhead the jobs. (long story, complicated, boring, but not my fault!) I have a large gum in my front yard, right near the house. It is now being inhabited by all the bats in our area, who eat the flowery things and throw the gumnuts onto cars parked below. They also shit on the cars below. Bat shit is WAY hard to get off. They make one hell of a racket, its hard to sleep. Especially when they fight with the cockatoos. One of the trees that fell a few doors down, fell onto their avery and broke it, releasing dozens of lorrikeets. Like there werent enough around here. And my tree being the only large gum left, they all want to claim it for themselves. Dickhead keeps coming up to visit, looking longingly at this gum. He thinks he will have fun in it, taking it down. He has even visually measured it all out, and wants to try taking it down in ONE CUT. I need council approval. They wont give it. I spoke to my neighbours the other night, and general concensus is that they ALL want it gone. Sleep is apparently more important to them, fancy that! The only thing is, if I still have a smallish connifer lying in my backyard after almost a year, what the hell will I do with a whole gum tree? How many snakes will that attract? It still could be worth it to get rid of the bat-fights. Wildlife isnt all its cracked up to be.

Another animal Im hating right now is the cats. Neighbourghood cats and ferals. HATE HATE HATE. They kill the GOOD wildlife, leaving half dead and maimed birds, mammals and reptiles on our lawns and driveways. Someone around here is poisoning them. I hate that they suffer, I really do, but I have to admit to being glad their gone. Id just rather they do it humanely. No creature should suffer if it can be helped. Dickheads suggestions for getting rid of them were, um, a side of him i hadnt seen. Different. The main thing though is that we have to now deal with all these half dead and dying cats all over the place. Its gross. But at least the scratched cars, tomcat stink and cat shit in the garden under your bedroom window and half dead wildlife will soon be gone. Hooray for that.

And the last animal themed installment is also dickhead related. How clever am i? (I told you i could do it). A friend who I play email ping pong with during the workday has a profanity filter. It makes conversations interesting sometimes. Bear in mind my recent posts on being toey as and craving relief, a conversation about BJs turned into one about eating DUCKS instead of DICKS to bypass the swear nazis. Ill never eat poultry the same again. Actually, the duck eating episode requires its own post. Ill get back to you on that. Let me just say though, dickhead: YUM. (and how the friend calling dickhead the paddle pop lion fits this scenario you will just have to wonder. lol)

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah I know guys, Too much info. Dont care. Steph talked too much about her literal shit or lack thereof, Im chucking an imelda and talking too much about sex.

Bite me.

*leaves the obvious elaboration on the last line alone for the benefit of sensitive readers*

Explore posts in the same categories: Dickhead, Disjointed, Things That Shit Me

9 Comments on “Animals”

  1. Aurelius Says:

    So I have a mental image of your boyfriend as the Paddle Pop lion.
    How does that make me odd?

  2. SH Says:

    I liked you. I had respect for you. I was on your side.

    Note all of this is in past tense.

    There is no excuse for your words about the cats. Like you’re so fucking powerless to stop their pain. That’s rubbish and you know it.

    I know you are not alone in the way you feel about cats and wildlife. I get that bit. But the rest… the rest is wrong. But it’s people like you that perpetuate the acceptance of all animal cruelty. There are other ways. Other solutions. But what would you care to learn about them, to educate your neighbours, to do something about it yourself?

    It’s ignorance at it worst. You may as well toddle off now and go eat some tortured dog and take some bear bile medication. Be sure to wash it down with shark fin soup.

  3. huniii Says:

    You are a strange, weird little man. LOL!

  4. huniii Says:



    I do believe I mentioned a thing or two about HUMANELY getting rid of them, and perhaps even something about my DISLIKE for what is going on. But then maybe I wasnt reading whatever you read.

    Apparently you know ALL the details here. You know what I have and am doing that I havent posted about, do you? Or do you just believe what I write ghere is the totality of my existance?

    How about you come here and put the cats’ victims out of their misery on a twice/thrice weekly basis? Try hiding it (and what your doing) from your child so he doesnt think his mummy is an animal killer? Try doing all this whilst being sick as I am.

    You obviously know all about my many conversations with the owners of said neighbourhood cats to try and get them to keep their cats indoors at night, and wear a bell. You obviously know of my discussions trying to asscertain which neighbours are poisoning the cats so as I can do something about it. You obviously were present at our informal gathering last weekend where I was rather vocal about my opinion (my FULL OPINION) on the matter knowing that the person responsible was probably there. You were obviously there the dozens of times I have called the RSPCA & the local cat rescue centre to ask advice and assistance and if they could please come get the fuckers before someone made their stomachs explode on my porch. You were obviously there when I spoke to council too.

    SILLY ME for forgetting that you were the one who took one obviously not going to die yet but still very sick cat to the local vet. Or the dozens of trips i have made just this year with native wildlife.

    You have absolutely no fucking idea who you are preaching at. There is much I cant be bothered to add, and much I will not add in a public forum lest certain people I know read this.

    Go take your high and mighty holier than thou attitude and cram it up your arse. I dont need your abusive comments here, especially ill informed, unwarranted and baseless ones.

    Fucking heaven frikken forbid that in a time where Im fighting for my very life, having my world fall apart, and burying friends & family left right and fucking centre that i DARE try and find an up side to things.

    Im doing what I can. A few cats are not as important to me as my life and my sons future. FACT.

    No excuse for my words about cats? Show me where I said i endorced or encouraged it. YOU CANT. I DIDNT. I did however say I DIDNT agree with it. So Im sorry, I thought we were on the same side. You know, I can hate things without wishing them pain or death, or trying to cause hurt.

    YOUR WORDS however Id love to hear an excuse for. So go on, please explain. Tell me how I warranted such an attack from you, and tell me how that can possibly serve to improve the cats situation, or my mood & disposition? Thanks very much for upsetting and angering me. I really that right now. Is that excusable?

  5. SH Says:

    If you’ve done all that you have said above, then I am sorry that you didn’t complete your story of such a sensitive nature and that I am now to be made a fool of.

    You leave so much out of your posts that when read for what they are, they tell a much different story to what you so obviously mean in your own mind. By posting as such, there is an invitiation to read and to try and understand.
    You post a story about dead and dying cats because people in your neighbourhood have poisoned them. You mention NOTHING in this post of trying to help these animals. NOTHING. You mention feeling sorry for the animals. You say it is wrong and that you don’t like it. But you say NOTHING of helping them. You say you have to deal with these animals. That could mean anything from having to throw their dead bodies in the bin to turning a blind eye.

    This is a matter so close to my heart I am not sure that you could realise the enormity of what I feel. I take responsibility for being angry at you, but now I am more angry because I feel I have been made a fool of for defending something that is so important. It’s not something that should be taken lightly and I am not going to cower because you are now throwing righteosness in my face.

    I am also not going to be manipulated by your illness. You are ill. I accept that. You might die and that is royally fucked, but it has nothing to do with my reaction. In fact, I refuse to pander to you or anyone in your position and treat you any differently because that is like acknowleging that they are going to drop off the twig at any moment and no longer be a ‘problem’. For me, that is an insult to that person. I will treat you like I would treat anyone of supposed sound mind.
    I also find it a bit rich that you throw this at me when you make constant reference to not wanting empty platitudes from people and not wanting peoples sympathy.

    Isn’t it fun to be coy and secretive, to not tell stories in whole, to leave people wondering what you mean? This is what happens with the really sensitive issues. People misunderstand you. People fly of the handle at you when you think they don’t have a place to. It’s your choice, but not my problem.

    As requested, I have defended my position. I was able to. I believe in what I have said. If in your own mind you know you have done your best for these animals, your MOST for these animals, then that is something good that should not be lost in this misunderstanding.

  6. Aurelius Says:

    How unlike SH to assume she knew the full story, when she actually knew sweet fuck all.

  7. Imelda Says:

    I’m not buying into the catfight (heh, just HAD to chuck that one in!).

    Regarding your last para – there is no such thing as talking too much about sex.

  8. huniii Says:

    I owe you somewhat of an apology. I was in a filthy mood and quite unwell all friday, and I overreacted to your comment somewhat. Although its no excuse, Im having trouble controlling my emotions with this toxic mix of mdications, and whatever mood im in its amplified. Good = GREAT, and grumpy = pshychotic. However Im not apologising for my point of view. I was under the impression that the absence of posts for 10 days or so on a blog who has daily posts would be an obvious indicator of something big going on in that bloggers life, and assumed people would realise. Assumptions are often wrong, and I admit that perhaps I should have been clearer.

    You say I didnt complete my story, well Im the one who was telling it and I was happy with what I told. It was but ONE part of a post covering NUMEROUS topics. The fact that this is a huge issue to you is just that – a huge issue to YOU, and obviously not as big to me, be it because I dont feel as strong, or because I have other more pressing issues, whatever. I didnt elaborate on my efforts partly because TO ME it wasnt a post about that. I post for me, and me alone. Others may enjoy reading, great, but essentially its for me. Also, at the time I didnt want any neighbours stumbling across it and knowing who was responsible for certain events in our neighbourhood. I have to live here, you know. Dealing with them refere to their disposal. Not just when their already dead, but putting them out of their misery too. NOT a fun task, particularly when your already nauseous.
    Your right, Ive always demanded no empty platitudes. I still do. Im not asking for sympathy or special treatment. All I ask, and all ive ever asked, is to be treated with respect and compassion. That I havent been posting and therefore something must be up, as well as the fact that I am ill, should at least prompt a little consideration towards what effects your attack may have. And if by “pander” you mean speak with respect, which is what it sounds like, then yeah, I demand pandering. I dont appreciate being attacked like that out of left field as it was, over something you assumed and chose not to first clarify. Perhaps a more appropriate approach would have been to dip a toe in and just say that you felt quite strongly against the type of behaviour i spoke of and were dissapointed that i didnt seem to share your sentiments, thus giving me a chance to state my position. Or, you could have emailed me and asked for clarification as you have done previously on other sensitive issues?

    “Isn’t it fun to be coy and secretive, to not tell stories in whole, to leave people wondering what you mean? This is what happens with the really sensitive issues”

    I’ll be however I want on my blog. I have my reasons. Anyone who reads me knows I never tell it all. Something you have spoken about before, so Im not making assumptions about you there. YOU dont tell stories in whole on yours either. And this is NOT a really sensitive issue to me, thats YOU.

    You cant apply your rules to others and expect 100% compliance. The real world doesnt work like that. And just because someone doesnt share your view, or your LEVEL of passion about the same view, does not make it acceptable for you to attack them. It is my choice, yes. And it is your problem, obviously. Because no-one else has had such problems here before, and its YOU who flew off the handle, and who got it wrong.

    I havent done everything possible for those animals, no. Theres more I could do, certainly. But i have done the best i can right now. Accept it or not, my illness has implications for me. And I will not put my wellbeing in jeopordy. I will not overexert myself. Not over this situation. I have done as much as I am capable of AT THIS TIME and am satisfied with my behaviour. To anyone who thinks they could do better in my situation, I say FINE, LETS SWAP.

    what, no takers? didnt think so.

    As i said, I apologise for the severity of my response. I do so because I felt it necessary. However I was right to respond, I just should have toned it down a peg or two.

  9. huniii Says:

    now, now, babe. thats your argument, not mine, and i can defend myself. but thankyou for the sentiment

    Ha ha ha. I know, i know.

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