Hold My Hand, Please?

{{{{{heap of rambling etc that got eaten by gremlins that im too lazy to retype}}}}}

Im standing at the door of a plane. I want to jump, but Im afraid of heights. I really want to jump though. I want to beat this fear, and I want to experience the thrill of skydiving. I really want to, but my feet wont move, their frozen in fear. Planes dont have inexhaustable fuel tanks. One way or another, Im going to land.

I could jump, and freefall frightfully for a short while until the air caught in the chute and delivered me safely and gracefully to earth, triumphant, exhilarated, better off than ever before, victorious and amply equipped to take on the world.

I could also jump, freefall frightfully for a short while, have the chute not open, suffer the terrible knowledge that I could have been safe, I could have listened to the warning signs, my fears, the danger, and remained aboard the plane. Suffer in the knowledge that I have only myself to blame, that I knew better, and chose not to listen. Know that it was my fault that my entire world was destroyed, and there was no way out of the mess I was about to become on the grass below. And that Bugalugs would be left to pay for my actions.

Or I could sit down, put my seatbelt on and land safely. I could risk very little, and be exactly where I am now. I could live the rest of my life with what-ifs and if-onlys, and know that I could have had everything, and I pissed it away. To know that I will never have that chance again, because even if I went up again, Id be in the same position, but with a failure on the record to get over too.

I want to jump. For so many reasons. I really, really want to jump. Sometimes I think I want someone to push me, but they cant. This is something I have to do for myself. A choice only I can make. Have to make. Said I did make, but regret and wish I could change my mind. I cant stay seated while were up here. So long as were in the sky, I still have a chance. And I really want to do it.

Hold my hand. I think I could do it if you held my hand.

holding hands 


Explore posts in the same categories: A Great Big Mess, Brain UNfreeze, Dickhead, Stuff I Know

2 Comments on “Hold My Hand, Please?”

  1. Scorpy Says:

    Hunii, I love this post but am wondering if it has anything to do with planes or just life in general…I’ll hold your hand.

    PS: I was in the Airforce for years and yet hated flying

  2. huniii Says:

    Thanks Scorpy. Not planes, sort of life in general, but mostly one bit in particular.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: