The Big Squish

Theres too much going on in my life right now for me to handle, so Im squishing it all down. How does Honey cope, you ask? Simple. By pretending theres nothing going on. Which is precisly what Im doing here.

People have asked why Im talking more about the Dickhead thing than losing 2 close family members. Its quite simple really. I cant stress out and get upset, or I will get sick. SickER anyway. And thats just not an option when you have tests etc that need to be done, and treatment that needs to be had. Its just not. I also cant do anything about my family. Theyre a million miles away. Even if they werent, what could i possibly do? I cant bring them back. I am grieving. A little. Id love to more, but I dont have that luxury right now. I will in my own way when I have time. It doesnt mean it hurts less or that I love them less, its just how im chosing to cope, and they would understand that, and anyone who doesnt, well, its not really your problem, is it?

Ive talked alot about Dickhead with a few people. Mostly because they have asked, and Ive had to give the obligatory responses, that we arent seeing each other anymore etc etc etc. Weve all had breakups, you know the score. It feels quite bizarre to use the word ‘breakup’. I dont think he has ever referred to me as his girlfriend, I certainly have never called him my boyfriend. I dont even know if he thought of me as such. I know he had mentioned to his friends he was seeing me, and mine of course knew I was seeing him, but beyond that?

From my side, I just thought of him as him. A very very close friend, one of my best friends in fact. And I wasnt seeing anyone else, and either was he. Not just by personal choice, but we’d talked about it and given our word to one another too. I know he thought of me as one of his best friends. His phone bill (just his, not mine) shows that HALF, YES HALF the value of his bill each month is calls to me. The calls he makes to me are the same value as the calls he makes for business and personal use. I equal the same as the totality of ALL OTHER CALLS HE MAKES. That doesnt include how much I call him, either, which currently sits at about $300mth. (thank GOD we got such good deals when changing our phone plans, because this is DRAMATICALLY less than I used to spend!!) And oh yeah, I also get 800 minutes free per month on calls to him, so that $300 is on top of that, and doesnt include sms………

FARK

I guess if he never speaks to me again we will both be fucking rich!

See – all you need is to find a silver lining.

Im just having a real time making sure I dont see the whole cloud as shining. Because he’s been calling again. Weve been talking. Hes giving me hope, and at the same time dragging me to despair with what he’s saying. I cant let go. I dont want to. But the whole reason this shitfight started was because I didnt know if I could stay under his terms. I still dont. And I dont know if he can ammend them. And I dont want to live under rules that I dont believe. A compromise might be possible. Then again, stubborness is a Lebanese thing as much as it is a Boer thing. Told ya’s – we either perfectly compliment each other, or perfectly clash. Its all a matter of how you see it. I guess I just want him to be looking where I am.

Because I can see how this CAN work.

**edit**

Hmmm, this didnt go how I meant it to. But I feel a bit better for having said it, which is kinda the whole point of my blog. I DID mean to squish it all down and continue my usual pointless ramblings on inconsequential matters, but oh well. I think this might happen for a while, so consider yourselves warned, and go right ahead and skim. I feel better whether you read it or not.

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