This may or may not help

I dont see how things could get worse. But then, they somehow manage it, dont they?

Dickhead is gone. For good. My retardedness pushed him away. His meant he couldnt stay. I cared for him more than Im willing to admit. Suffice to say, more than i admitted here. Or anywhere.

MFC, or my favourite cousin wont be coming out. He died.

Power of attourney, and being the carer of an elderly relative is all fine and well until she has multiple heart attacks in a country a million miles from you and you are asked to make literal life or death decisions. She passed away a few hours ago.

Why am I here? because I cant deal with any of this right now.

I was supposed to have surgery on Wednesday. No HUGE thing, but scary to me, particularly the connontations. These things, plus a couple other smaller things, have had me so stressed and paniced and ewww that I made myself too sick. I was medically unfit for a minor day surgery. Actually, the phone call between Dickhead and I Tuesday night made me feel worse. I spent all day Wednesday in bed, vomiting, dizzy and major headache like nothing before. I couldnt even walk. Or hold a conversation.

Sunday DH and I fought. Within and hour I was unconcious, I couldnt breathe and passed out.

Tuesday night I passed out on the phone DURING and argument with DH. I couldnt breathe, and was too weak to get up and find my meds.

It couldnt contine. I cant kill myself to do this thing with him that has me so scared. That post before? the puzzle? I was buying into his business. Suffice to say it was more complicated than that, and involved him doing me quite a favour in order for me to do this with him, and enable him to expand. (he owns his own thing too). That favour would leave me EXTREMELY vulnerable. And in the end, I wasnt sure I could do it. My fucktardary was too big for me to overcome. My doubts were too much, I couldnt squash them. No matter what I say, it will sound biased, so believe me when I say that a substantial part of all this was MY fault. Even if you think it wasnt. Even if you think you know this story. No-one but he and I know it all, and only we know that both of us had our parts to play in the blame game. He might deny it, but he contributed. I dont know whose fault was bigger, I dont much care. Whats done is done. He hates me. It would seem that he does so quite pasionately.

I wish things werent how they are. But I couldnt get what I needed from him, and faced with the decision, I made the only one I could. I tried, babe. I just wasnt good enough, I couldnt do it without your help, and you didnt do what I needed.

Now, somehow, I have to squash all of this down and get myself better. Because the whole reason for me existing is to care for that little boy who calls me mum. And he, well, he I cant risk, not for all the tea in china, plus a million other things besides

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5 Comments on “This may or may not help”

  1. Imelda Says:

    Hon, concentrate on you and the little guy. Fuck the rest.

    I’m sorry about your cousin and grandmother.

    Take care. xxx

  2. SH Says:

    Sometimes I wish I knew another language just so that I could say curses in multiple tounges.

    I’ve never been where you are at. I have an imagination, but it’s not at all the same.

    Take care.

  3. huniii Says:

    Trust your advice to involve fucking!

    I speak 4 fluently. Doesnt do much but take longer!

  4. steph Says:

    Hope things get better for you soon.

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