Lexus’ Return

So you will all recall my friend who up and left, heading back home to Greece without so much as a goodbye. Well Hes been back this week to bury our very good friend Frog.

Frogs funeral was on Monday, and I havent blogged about it because to be honest, its all just been a bit too much.

But anyway, Lexus returned on the weekend, and flies out this afternoon. I didnt see him on the weekend, but I did recieve a phone call to see how I was and to make sure I was set transport-wise for Monday. It was appreciated. Obviously an olive branch being extended, and I took it.

At the Funeral it was pretty chaotic. Alot of people, a small chapel, and a rather large contingent of what my mother would call “unsavory characters” being the members of a substantial group of Harley riders that had escorted him.

All this meant not much chance for talking. I actually found the service to feel quite hurried, and all a bit surreal. I quickly regretted having not organised it like I was asked to. Actually, that was demanded, and after G4D’s recently I just couldnt handle any more. Thats 14 good friends I have buried in 11mths. 5 extremely close ones in 9 months. And countless others, including extended family. My friendship isnt something you enjoy, more something you survive.

Afterwards at the wake it really split into groups, which felt a bit odd, but also good. It was nice to be supported/support your closest friends without having to worry so much about the others. Frog only has a mother and 1 aunt left alive, both of who have never left Russia, and didnt make an exception, so for us it was like we were family, which we were, and it was nice to have people approach us as kind of a representative of a group, instead of having to speak to everyone. I really detest people expressing their “deepest sympathy” when really theyre only there so as to not be thought rude. My boys etc and I managed to find a section for ourselves, and got down to business. Drinking and reminissing. It was nice. Conversation slowly turned around to the present, and Lexus managed to pull me aside a bit and we had a really good chat. Just like we used to.

We spoke about him leaving and why he did it. We spoke about how I felt about it. We spoke about the beautiful Nessa, and why she left us. How he felt about that. What he had been doing in Greece. Whether he would be coming back. What I had been doing. He admitted that he had been reading my other, private blog. He had been paying to have it translated. Most importantly, he had finally managed to understand what happened between us before he left. Why we fought. He had come to terms with it and was working at dealing with it. Not just on a superficial level, but quite deeply within himself. I was most glad to hear it.

We came to a bit of an understanding.

Tuesday he called to tell me how good our conversation had felt to him. It did to me too.

Last night he came around. He ended up staying the night. We spoke for hours. About alot. The past, the present, and the future. He held me for hours. I sat between his legs, leaning back into his chest, his arms wrapped around me and his cheek resing on my head. We talked and talked and talked. It felt like home. It took me hors to realise thats just what Frog used to do when I was younger. Knowing this did nothing to diminish it in any way. As we were deciding to head off to bed and try to at least get an hours rest before sunrise, he asked me if Dickhead ever comforted me in this way. The fact that Dickhead didnt know about how first my brother, and then Frog used to comfort me didnt really do to much to make me feel better.

It made me realise that no only does he not volunteer this sort of physical comfort, but that even when I ask for it it isnt always given, and rarely given freely. I see this as holding back. If you truly trust and are truly comfortable with someone, you open yourself up to them. Not sharing a part of yourself shows you arent completely open with that person.

I cant help my loopy south african ways. I was brought up to trust what I feel more than what I know. That KNOWING something comes only when your heart, mind and soul all speak the same.

This is what I cant make him understand. That it all needs to go together. And even though I completely trust him, more than I have ever trusted, its me I cant trust. And I need me to be as sure of myself as I am of him. That until it all goes together, from both our sides, I cant trust what I dont KNOW.

The truth isnt as important as people think. The truth can be whatever the fuck it wants. Its peoples perceptions that REALLY matter. Thinking everything will be fine wont matter a damn if the truth is that it wont, and vice versa.

I cant be truly open to someone who cant be truly open to me. Him holding back, not risking himself, not being truly open, makes me worry.

I dont understand how I can risk myself on someone who wont risk themself on me. What does he KNOW in himself that makes him hold back? If he holds back on himself, what makes it OK for me to not?

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  1. Steph Says:

    Sounds like you’ve had a truly shitful time. God you are so strong. Hats off to you Huniii, you’s a better woman than I.


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