Inevitable

Im not really ready to do this post, but hiding from it wont change anything.

Honeys lost her Dickhead. And it HURTS.

I am the worlds BIGGEST IDIOT. No, dont try and comfort me, its the truth. BY FAR, I AM THE BIGGEST.

I dont even know what Im doing anymore. What the fuckness is my life right now. Its completely retarded, and 99.9% is my fault. The other 0.01% is pretty likely mine too.

In the style that is me, Im going to say way too much here. And I dont rightly care. I write here to make sense of myself, and sense is something I desperately need right now. So here goes.

Last Friday, Dickhead and I headed up the coast. I find my head clears at the beach, i feel so much more centered, and sure of myself. Anyone who knows me will tell you that anything that makes me clearer is a good thing indeed. So what did the super-intelligent fucktard that is me do? Thats right, wait until we are in the car driving home, over an hour at least in the car, stuck next to each other, and its raining so you cant even put the window down to give the illusion of space. What a perfect time to tell him im falling in love with him. Of course. IM A FUCKING RETARD. This was met by silence. Thats right, silence. A good 5 minutes of complete nothingness besides the radio and the gentle swooshing of the windscreen wipers and the hum of the engine as I drove us down the F3. Sheer brilliance, me. Eventually I said some useless thing to attempt to undo my stupidity, and was met by the response that he “already knew that. Did I seriously think that he couldnt tell?” Great. So now my fucktardary is obvious to everyone but me. Super. So clever me is hurt and embaressed, scared and vulnerable, and say something dumb, only to be interrupted by the statement that “how do i know he doesnt feel the same?” Oh how those words can stir hope and fear in someones heart. And yet, its not exactly anything. It can be taken 2 ways. He MIGHT be starting to feel like me, or he may not – and just be challenging my notion of always knowing everything. The doubts and insecurities were enormous at this point. Its my own fault. For letting the past seep into the present. For not being able to 100% let go of the pain and confusion of before. Of not being able to trust myself. I should have pushed him. I should have asked him. But it didnt matter really, did it?

Fast forward through the week that just was. Through visits and phone calls, massive arguments over nothing, sleepless nights, outside pressures, avoiding the issue, talking about the issue, not getting anywhere (mostly because we didnt really talk. we spoke alot yet said nothing)

Then Wednesday night. Huge row on the phone. A continuation from one on Tuesday. Awful. And in the end, hurting, I gave up. I admitted defeat. I knew that this had been coming for a while. Id tried to say it a few times before. That no matter how much we want things, no matter how much we care about each other, there are other things that mean it just wont work. It cant work. Id asked him to have this talk face to face, but we’d had trouble getting the chance to hook up in the right place (somewhere private) and at the right time (whre we didnt have to rush it). So, like alot of things, we had it on the phone. It was dreadful. Ill admit, I got off the phone and bawled. I felt dreadful. It didnt go how i meant it to, i didnt say all i wanted, and what i did say came out wrong. It ended with him asking to see me on friday where he had time to come up and see me and have it properly then. I didnt see what good it would do, but i cant let him go, no matter how hard i try. I dont want to.

Friday was awful. Truly awul.I told him how i felt. That the way thigs are is hurting me. I want more. He says he does too. But, for a few reasons, we cant have what we want. I dont think he realises just what he means to me. Just how much I care. I didnt either, maybe still dont. I hadnt been allowing myself to feel it. I had it locked up. I knew there was alot there, but i didnt allow myself to feel it. He said things would be different soon. When I did a particular thing that I had agreed to do. That it would make a whole heap of the reasons things arent working now, dissappear. Its true. It would.

The thing is, that there are a few other reasons why I cant go through with doing it. I have concerns, and their my fault, not his. Its my fuckedupness that gives me those reasons. Those doubts. But the promise from him that if I go through with it, that we can have US, gives my fuckedupness more credibility in myself. Its not his fault. Its mine. I should be able to get past it. I should be able to get over myself. Ive tried. Ive come very close, and that is his fault. Its his fault that i want to be not fucked anymore. Its him who has given me the strength, courage and desire to fix the broken parts of me.

After all that happened with Bugalugs’ dad, i thought Id never trust nor love again. I didnt want to, let alone think I was capable. He changed that. I owe him alot. Hes a very very special person. He got through my carfeully built defences. He got me to trust again. To let someone in again. For 6 years, I have carefully and meticulously created a position for myself that involved limiting how much i care for, trust and rely upon other people. Ive limited my involvement with everyone except my son. Friends are friends: they provide social interraction but their problems are theirs. My Boys are my Boys: I care about them and help if I can, same as they do for me. Sex is Sex: and thats all men are good for, and if the sex isnt good, then fuck off, because fuckbuddies have no emotional attachment, which of course means the sex isnt mindblowing, but theres also no heartache – a fair trade, really. My parents and sisters: pffffft whatever, i treat them as they treat me, and dont expect too much, it is how it is, and after 15years of me being the one who tries to fix it, im sick of trying and realise its not my job in the first place.

And then theres him.

I agreed to buy into his business. Financially its a good investment. He needs the additional capital to expand. I have to invest in SOMETHING. 2 birds with 1 stone and all that. Why not? Its not just the obvious that would be beneficial to him. It would have massive impact on a few aspects of his life. Things on both sides are complicated, and not things I can reveal here. It would remove many of the obstacles to US being US. It would improve his life no end, and it wouldnt damage mine. If you can help a friend fix his problems without hurting yourself, you do it, right?

I cant do it. And I cant make him understand why. Im not sure I fully get it myself.

I trust him. He thinks me pulling out means I dont. Hes wrong. I do trust him, IMMENSLY. He cant see what I have already done because I trust him. He doesnt see what a huge thing it is for me to have come this far. Its me I dont trust.

Ive made some huge mistakes. Huge. Im scared of making them again. Now its not just me that my mistakes hurt, its Bugalugs too. If Im making a mistake in trusting him as much as I do, I lose alot. I lose him (although it would mean i never had him) and in him i lose a very dear friend, confidant, mentor,person I trusted, and object of great affection. I have my heart broken. I have a massive hole in my life, as he spends soooo much time on the phone, visiting, and when absent – in my thoughts. I lose the ability to trust myself. I have to deal with the fact that i repeated a mistake I swore to myself never to repeat. I break some VERY HUGE PROMISES THAT I TAKE VERY SERIOUSLY that I made to myself. And i have only myself to blame.

Its alot to risk.

Considering that I start treatment in a week, and am facing mortality issues, and what would become of my son if I died, and the great unknown which is the most terrifying…… I just cant bring myself to risk being wrong.

I dont think I am, but I know that if i was, and I had all of that to deal with, I know i couldnt cope. I couldnt handle it. And if i couldnt handle it, then I couldnt deal with the cancer properly. If I dont fight that fight properly, I might not win it. I could die. My son, who is 5, would not have a mother, and I honestly do not know what would happen to him. Who would raise him. I cannot risk leaving my son motherless. Even if I was right, and I went ahead with it, I would be questioning myself. These doubts would be worse. And although the risk of me not being able to fight properly is less in those circumstances, theres still a risk. A risk that I cant take.

I cant trust myself to KNOW i have made the right choice.I cant risk my sons future on the decision made by someone as hopeless at decisions as I am. And I cant make him understand that.

By pulling out, I have shattered him. By pulling out i have done something else that I can explain here. I have behaved in a manner that brings his past hurts into play. Its a horrible, horrible thing I have done. One I never meant nor wanted to, and that I am so sorry for, that words cannot explain it. Do not think I am being hard on myself here. Im not. I deserve every bit of my hatred and self loathing.

Had it been just me, had i not had Bugalugs, Id have gone through with it. Id have risked myself. The end point is that I just cant risk my sons future. He not being a parent cannot understand the intensity of that fear, and being a single parent with absolutely no contact with the other one, means I have no-one to fall back on. The buck (bugalugs’ buck) stops here. With me. I am Bugalugs’ first, last and only hope.

There are only 4 paths that I have to take.

1. Stay in and lose everything

2. Stay in and not lose everything but worry that i will

3. Pull out and lose him

4. Pull out and somehow not lose him.

When it comes down to it, I have to chose, weighing my options carefully against the risk to Bugalugs. Option 4 is the best, but is never going to happen, because by pulling out I destroy myself in his eyes. Then comes option 3, which is the one I took. Option 2 is third best, followed by option 1.

I didnt see how anything other than the 3rd path was one I could travel. I cant risk Bugalugs’ future on my faith in myself, because to be honest, i dont have very much of that.

By 3, I have guarantees. I can guarantee that I lose some things, but i can also guarantee i dont lose others. And when it comes to my son, i chose to go with a guaranteed mediocre outcome, than the possibility of winning big. I couldnt make any other choice. You cant gamble with a childs life.

I dont blame him for hating me.It hurts, and i hate myself for it. Im really sorry for it. Really sorry.

I yelled at him yesterday. I told him i was in love with him. I am.

At one point in  the discussion, he asked if i could see myself being serious with him, and for a long time. That was the hardest question he has ever asked me, and I couldnt answer it. I asked him and he didnt answer. I know him. He can. From how he asked me, and how he didnt answer me, and from things he said without saying it, i know. Thats how he does things. He says things by NOT saying it. I can hear in how he doesnt say it, and from in his voice, what he wants to say and cant. Why couldnt i answer him? Eventually I did, and he didnt think i had, he thought i avoided him. I said the answer was yes AND no.

Thats has been my reason for not letting myself love him. I could have a long time ago. Thats the reason for alot of things, including why I said I cant do this couple-but-not-a-couple-thing anymore, and to go back to just friends. Because I care about him enough to be serious. Very serious. I could be with him for ages. But. I know it wont happen. I know it cant happen. And I dont know why he thinks it can.

No matter how much i love him, and he loves me, there are truths that cant be escaped. His family are quite religious. Theres no way a religious muslim family are going to accept me with him. Look at this, and tell me if I could possibly have any MORE strikes against me:

  • Im aussie born white south african/south african/german/pom
  • i have hebrew names
  • im an unmarried mother with a child that is not his
  • my religious background is a mix of anglican, jehovas witness, morman, jewish and voodun
  • i am deeply independant and abhor the idea that men are better than women in any way
  • in my extended family, I am the head-honcho.
  • as such, he would have to submit to my authority in their presence
  • as well as all my bad points, i have absolutely no traits whatsoever that would qualify me as a “decent” girl for any good muslim boy

All the “strict” muslim family and friends of my other muslim friends HATE ME SEVERELY, well, the women do. I have had mothers tell their sons that they may befriend me but i am not welcome in their families presence. I have had a muslim girlfriend be BANNED from being friends with me and associating with me at all. I have been scolded by my friends family/friends for the way I speak, dress and act.

All of this has happpened even though i was attempting to be respectful towards their religious convictions and beliefs. The girlfriend I just spoke of told me of her families strictness. When I came to collect her, i adjusted many things about myself so as to show respect for her family, and to not be offensive. It obviously wasnt enough, and the rudeness her uncle treated me with is something that i clearly remember, even now, a few years on. I had no problem with adjusting things about me so as to not offend her family when i met them to collect her to go out. Its no big deal, and is quite simply manners to do what i did. However Dickhead is another story. Think about it. If we got serious, we’d see each others friends and family, right? What if he was thinking of moving in together? Thats a natural progression. What would happen when they visited? I couldnt pretend to be someone im not everytime someone on his side came round! Even if we didnt move in, Id either have to repeatedly tone myself down, or else not share that part of his life with him. How is that BEING TOGETHER? You cant be with someone your family hates. You either lose your family, or you lose your partner. Or you split your life, and arent really with them in the first place.

So my answer was yes, i love him, i want to be with him, and i can see it being a big thing. It has the potential for all of that, Im not saying lets get married or move in together, im nowhere near ready for that (but sleepovers would be nice lol – thats something we dont do now, for reasons on both sides)

And my answer is no, because besides us wanting to be together, too many outside factors just seem to me to be making that impossible.

I’ll end this record breaking post by saying this…..

Its been about 16hrs since i last spoke to him. I miss him terribly. I hate how things are. I feel sick, and empty, and heartbroken, and angry at myself, and disgusted in myself, Im worried how he is feeling, feel terribly guilty and awful for doing to him what I have. I feel empty and sporadically start tearing up. At times I cry.

I want to hear his voice. And yet know that if i do it will be bittersweet.

And after all of that, no matter how much i doubt he will call, and i wouldnt blame him for not, it would be my own fault, i cant help wanting and hoping that he will.

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4 Comments on “Inevitable”

  1. Scorpy Says:

    With my daughters I am selfish to the point of excluding EVERYONE. I don’t think I can ever really trust anyone every again but I WANT to…I just don’t trust myself if I ever found someone. I can’t afford the hurt and the loss both physical and financial. My daughters futrue rests on ALL of my decisions. I have no advice again (sorry I’m a loser) Stay safe and remember that when everything else fails ‘Bugulugs’ will ALWAYS be there, as child’s love is pure and without limits and constrictions. ((hugs))

  2. javaira Says:

    It seems to me that you are limited by boundaries. These boundaries are good and sensible, you can’t compromise them, no matter how much you love the person. You see that DH has just as many boundaries that keep the both of you from truly being together. You respect him to much to ask him to compromise so many things.

    Perhaps you should ask though, knowing full well that there is a 99% chance he will say “no”.

    The reason why I say ask, is because that was the advice a much wiser friend told me. I felt I could not ask Willett to give up his dream career for me and I could not follow him with it (thats the simple version). So I walked away, without asking him. My friend said, “Is that really fair, it is after all his choice.” I had to respect his ability to make that choice.

    Now I was in far less serious situation than you, and what he had to compromise on was not the same as what you would be asking DH to compromise on. It is not in the same league. Perhaps you have already asked him.

    I thought it was the right thing to do and for me things worked out, I don’t think that would be the outcome here, but there was something in the process…………… I dunno its hard to explain.

    /hugs

    BTW From what I can see written in your blog you are not flippant when you make decisions, you really do weigh things. I suspect you are probably better than most people at making decisions as you seem determined to learn from past mistakes. Have faith in yourself.

  3. generalBoy Says:

    I don’t relate to the getting into business with someone on that level bit ( I am in business… but not with a partner I love ), but there’s much in the rest of this post I can really relate to.

    The difference is, you said something. You spoke you mind. Whatever happens, you won’t ever look back and wonder what you should have said. Unlike me… I didn’t.

    You did the right thing by telling him. Hope it all works out for the best. Everything, I mean… 🙂

  4. huniii Says:

    thanks to all for the kind words. id comment better but im just not really up to it right now. it was appreciated though.

    ive kinda realised that there just really is no right decision. not if by right i mean not scary, and not going to cause pain or concern.

    sigh


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