This Will Need Editing

Fuck me, you know your in trouble when I title a post with a public service announcement!

But seriously folks……

I did it. I set criteria. It wasnt met. I gave bonus chances to redeem. They were squandered. And yes, to that person it willl seem harsh and unfair. But thats life.

Recently it has been harsh and unfair on me. I made an accusation of selfishness on their part and was met with the same in return. That may well be, but whereas 1 example was forthcoming on their part, mine had multiples, people, MULTIPLES.

And Im aware that you dont know what the fuck Im on about. Thats because it isnt finalised. It will be though. Today. Because either the penny drops & an assurance is made…….or not.

I cant do in the middle any more. Im not a patient person.

I admit to being high maintenance lately. Thats just me. 110% I am, in EVERYTHING, good and bad. If my needs are being met, Im sweet. You will be begging me to require more attention. If they arent, well, Im an attention junkie until they are. As long as I get my fix Im fine, just look the fuck out when Im craving.

My needs arent much. My WANTS are, fuck yeah! but my needs are surprisingly infantessimal in the scheme of things. But thats what they are. NEEDS. And they arent being met.

Im not blaming anyone. I dont want to. Blame means ill will. I dont want that between us. I said a long time ago that I like you so much that I cant stand the idea of not liking you.

I hate that this is in a state of limbo, half done, half not. I hate that there is still hope in me, a tiny & highly unlikely bit of hope sure, but still hope.

It hurt getting here. It felt awful. I didnt like it at all.

But the strangest thing is that here & now, at this moment, Im not really feeling anything

I worry that that says something in itself. And then I think thats a silly thought. And then I realise what its going to feel like when its done. And it makes me want to not do it, knowing how bad that will be. But Ive started it now. And I have to stay strong. There are so many reasons why.

I dont WANT this. I just cant see a way out of it. You know we've discussed it before. We've fought this fight before. Yeah we didnt lose, but we didnt win either.

And we just cant keep doing this INTERIM thing. Its not on, its not off. Its nothing and something all at once.

Its eating me alive.

Its making me be someone Im not.

Its making me treat you in a way you neither like nor deserve.

As much as I dont want to not like you, I also dont want you to not like me.

Help me fix this. Please. I want it fixed. You want it fixed. Please.

Its broken. And broken things either get fixed, or put in the bin. Thats just the way things are.

And I dont want us to go in the bin.

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