Its time for a few things to stop. And I know it all comes down to me putting an end to them. So here goes. One day at a time, one thing at a time.

So far, since Monday this week I have not smoked. (This may explain some things, huh) Ive quit before, its not really an addiction for me. More of something I pick up and put down again from time to time. I stopped while I was pregnant with Bugalugs. Ive stopped before that, and after. Why do I pick it up? Because I feel like it. I like smoking. Why the fuck would you do something you didnt get something out of? If there was no benefit to it, you wouldnt do it, would ya? So why have I continued even after being diagnosed with Lung Cancer? Because (a) my cancer wasnt caused by smoking. (b) as crazy as it sounds, smoking actually makes me feel physically BETTER, at least for a short time. (c) if I didnt smoke, the stress would kill me, or Id kill someone (male Im sure) who was stressing me, and prison isnt all its cracked up to be, apparently. Im sure I'll light up again soon, when i need to de-stress, chill, or just be able to take a breath without pain & discomfort for 2 whole minutes in a row.

So thats one down, next!

Now Im going to take a deep breath. Im going to make that call. As much as Id love to do it in person, as it should be, thats not likely to happen. And waiting is what got me into this mess in the first place. Its not going to be fun, nor easy, maybe even not possible at all. I dont know. It will probably go wrong. It is after all, me doing this. All I know is that stagnant and on pause is not an option. Its not fair, not fun, and not right. And it cant continue. Ive done all I can, and waiting more isnt going to change a thing, and its not right to be asked to. So Im making the call, telling things how they are, and waiting. (hardy har har har) But with a definate end point in sight. Because all thats happening is damage. And I dont want this damaged.

And if I manage to get through all of this, next on the hit list is being Superwoman. Its just not possible. And Im sick of failing at impossible tasks. All I can say is: see above.

You idiot Honey.

Why didnt you see that before?

And people say blogs are pointless. pfffffft. Right there people, there was an epiphony, right before your very eyes. Dont say I never do nuttn interesting around here.

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3 Comments on “Stop”

  1. Steph Says:

    I don’t always know what you’re talking about. It all seems a bit cryptic to me, but as long as you’re getting it all out of your system, that’s the main thing.
    i hope things get better for you soon.

  2. Ditto what chickadee Number one said. Let it all out..

  3. huniii Says:

    Steph. Hugs again? Fuck me, what have I done to deserve 2 lots?

    Russ. Thats a door that once opened cant be shut. Im not sure Im ready

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