And Now, Back to Business

Oh. My. God.

What a day.

So yesterday I had a pretty good day. I chucked a sickie. Well, sortof. Its a bit hard to chuck a sickie when your self employed. The boss knows. And doesnt fire you. So I guess its even then.

Did something important in the morning. Then came home and slacked off. Went & had a long coffee with Dickhead. Then picked up bugalugs & spent ages at a friends. It was good. Lots of laughs all round.

Last night was a rough night. Fitfull sleep. I had the most full on and weird dreams EVAHHHH!!! I mustve woke up a couple of dozen times. It was NUTS. Pillowy goodness didnt help either.

Got alot done this morning. Work went good. Timed it brilliantly coz just as I was finishing, Dickhead rang with the news that he had some free time, and asked to visit. Farkn funny prick that one! Gets here and gets an idea into his head that he wont let go, because its funny to laugh at Honey. I admit, it was pretty funny. Especially when the person on the other end of the joke didnt even "get it" and rang. I laughed. HARD. Poor dickheads joke backfired on him. So I explained it, and she (the recipient) laughed too. Except then the joke made sense, and I was once again the one being laughed at. DOH!! Oh well, its all good. Im happy to be the brunt of the joke, and for more reasons than one!

So with photographic evidence being available, the suggestion was made BY HIM for me to post it here. I declined. He suggested it to her, and she said she'd post it online herself. Now, hours later, I have been DARED to post a pic here for all to laugh at. Along with a very SPECIFIC caption. I did negotiate cropping rights……. Now as it has Dickhead in the photo, I asked his permission to display it, as you do. He has decided against it, which is fine. Id never identify anyone or post pics of them without their permission. But i will say that I would have gone through with it if I had gotten his permission! Embarrassing as it was, Im not one to back down from a dare! Caption and all! Ah dickheads, you gotta love em. Even when they suggest something and then chicken out when it might actually happen! (I'm SOOOOOO going to be in the doghouse for this, arent i babe?)

Actually, speaking of doghouses, Im quite sure Im already in it. We had a pretty big argument this evening. And he was right, I did start it. And it was probably my fault too. I just wish I could say what i really thought, and really felt. I just cant get it out though. (and no, its not confessing my undying love….ewwww!!) Theres just so much going on. And someof whats in my head isnt his fault, but its there nonetheless, and i cant seem to make it go away. I have crap goig on in that head of mine. I have issues. I dont want to, I try not to, but I do, thats just the way of it. And whilst he says I just have to accept some things about him, I guess he just has to accept some things about me.

And more to the point, I do.

Its OK to have sucked a bit today.It doesnt mean I will next time. Its OK for me to not be perfectly over THAT THING. THAT THING was a big deal, and just because other people have forgotten about it doesnt mean anything. Its me that it affected. Its also OK for me to still be a bit angry and hurt by his reaction to THAT THING. And some other things. Its OK that he isnt good at that sort of thing. But that sort of thing happens alot around me. And its OK that I dont want to have to do it completely on my own all the time. Or at all, anymore. Its OK that Ive had enough. Im allowed to admit Ive reached my limit. Im allowed to freak out. Im allowed to be less than perfect.

I dont know why I cant say those things. I dont know why I cant say all the other things, even now, even here. I do know what I want. I do know you could give it to me. I do know I could let you. I dont know why I cant ask you for it.

I know what I want from you, and Ive seen that your capable. You've shown me some, and told me others. I trust you. I believe you. I do. I just cant show it, or say it, or act it. Ive seen you do the opposite, and heard you tell me the opposite. And Ive been there before. I see and hear things from you that set alarm bells ringing. I know their only POSSIBLE warning signs, but after living the disaster, your wary. It isnt your fault. Its mine. If it DID go wrong it would be my fault for letting it.

And thats the problem.

Having it be your fault would be awful. Almost unbearable. I DETEST the idea of not liking you, of thinking bad things about you. I dont ever want to hate you. I'll walk before it ever gets to that, this i swear to you.

But having it be my fault? That cant happen. It CANT happen.

Theres that saying – do it once, shame on you. Do it twice, shame on me. It wasnt you the first time. But it was me the second. And the third. And however many more. And theres just no more room in me for any more shame.

I wish i could make you understand so that you werent so confused. But if you did, I dont think you could look at me the same. I know you dont believe anything Ive done could make you think less of me, or change how you feel about me, but you dont know what there is to tell. It changes how I look at me, and feel about me. I dont want you to change how you look at me or feel about me. I like liking you. And I like you liking me.

Explore posts in the same categories: A Great Big Mess

5 Comments on “And Now, Back to Business”

  1. Imelda Says:

    I word of advice to the Dickhead. If you’re gonna MMS home-made porn to someone, make sure their phone is working properly first!

  2. huniii Says:

    Ims you sooooooo just dobbed yourself in as the recipient!

    AND dobbed on it being pornographic

    AND dobbed me in for doing things like that with Dickhead.

  3. Imelda Says:

    I’m a dobber.

  4. Janina Says:

    err so where is this famous pic?

  5. huniii Says:

    lol Janina I asked Dickhead for permission to post the severley cropped version and he said no. I dont think i have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the uncensored one up here. I guess he doesnt want his dick looked at by dozens of women…..go figure?

    You sure are Imelda

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