Help Wanted

So when exactly is it time to hang up your hat?

This past fortnight has seen this Honey hang up a few hats. Some I didnt really wear any more, others I outgrew, and some were just a passing trend.

This past week, the hats that have been given to the salvos were much more worn. They were old faithfuls, those comfy ones that never go out of fashion, and have mouled to fit you perfectly, so much so that you dont even notice when you wear them, they feel like your own skin. So why get rid of them? Because some have stains, and others have fallen apart at the seams.

Two are in limbo. One because I can deside whether or not to tug at that loose thread, the other, well, i think that ones just out of season, but it suits me, and I dont want to pack it away in the back of the closet.

And yes, thats right. Im not talking about headwear. These hats are friends.

So while Im still lamenting the loss of the donated hats, Im going to focus on the two limbo-ing ones. And I open the floor to any advice that may wish to be given.

The first one is an old faithful. Mr B in fact. One of my BOYS. One of the last remaining ones, since the majority of donations came from the hatbox labelled "The Boys", and is looking rather empty. He has been emailing Dickhead, for reasons unimportant to this story, but very important in the scheme of the saga that is my life. For some unknown reason, Mr B's emails werent reaching Dickhead, and so I was placed in the middle. Mr B emailed me, with message attached. I was given instructions to please fwd the email to Dickhead without reading the attachment. Now, Im trustworthy like that. You can ask me to do that sort of thing, and it will be done. I forwarded it. I didnt read it. Dickhead got it, and called me to ask questions. He mentioned to me a sentence the email contained. One that I was VERY unhappy with. It showed that a request I had made of Mr B had been ignored. In fact, Mr B had betrayed my confidence. Mr B had done something I had told him I hated, and punished others for by cutting them out of my life. Mr B knew that. Mr B did it anyway, within just a couple of days of the shit hitting the fan, which made it WORSE to me that he had done it. I honestly feel that his betrayal was not only worse than theirs because of the timing, but also take it as a slap in the face, a veritable "FUCK YOU I DONT CARE" from him.

I have the email still. I am considering reading it. Not knowing what is in it after hearing the snippets I have heard, is damaging our friendship. Im doubting him. And as wrong as it is, to be brutally honest, I feel that for once (because I usually dont feel this way) that for my own well being, i need to know.

Not knowing is damaging the friendship, and damaging me. I need to know one way or the other. because if Im making all these changes to strengthen my life, and remove the damaged parts, I need to do it properly, or its not worth doing. Im just afraid of how KNOWING, as well as HOW I KNOW, will make me feel.

*****************************

The other, is Dickhead himself. For me, the lack of time spent together is getting beyond bearable. And let me just say here, its not all his fault. At the same time, though, when your woman is bitching at you for not getting to see you enough (were talking about an absence of weeks here, not minutes, or even days – I'm not clingy) and wanting to fuck you senseless, or even just give you the blowjob of the century because she just really feels like it, your really not that badly off, are you? Didnt think so. And like I said, its not all his fault. Its just fucking amazing, from both sides, how we constantly manage to time things so wrong. When he is free, I'm slammed, and vice versa. Its just really hard to have a relationship without spending time together. And by relationship, I mean it in every sense of the word. We are great friends, we trust and respect each other immensly, value each others opinions, get along well, compliment each other with our differences, share the same similarities (hint: dont EVER EVER EVER stick a Leb and a Boer together, take it from us, TOO MUCH STUBBORNESS AND COMPETITIVENESS). What we each need is a clone, or an extra 12-20hrs in the day. Neither of us want to give up, we know what kind of potential is there, but we also know its just not working at the moment, and theres no finite end to the scheduling nightmare that the past 2 months has seen.

Im half drunk, and probably saying too much here, and I dont care. I need to empty my head, and thats what this blog is. He doesnt like the idea of giving up. Doesnt like the idea of me seing other people, or himself seeing other people for that matter. He also knows he isnt giving me what i need. He wants me to stay. And coming from him, who doesnt say that kind of mushy shit, that means ALOT to me.

I want to stay. I dont want to see other people, or for him to either. I dont want to give up. I know Im not giving him what he needs. But I'm not getting what I need. And I dont know when I will. And I cant wait forever. If he were anyone else, Id have left LONG before now.

I want to see him. He wants to see me. Its not a big ask. So why isnt it working?

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9 Comments on “Help Wanted”

  1. Imelda Says:

    Hun – Friendships really don’t have to be that difficult. It’s been years since I had a fight with one of mine, in fact I think there have only been two friends during my entire adult life that I’ve had a falling out with (one turned out to be a bit of a nutter after I’d only known her for a couple of months, and the other went all paranoid and accused me of something that I didn’t do). Anyway, the point is, if people are being so crazy in your life, then I don’t think you can really call them friends, and I really don’t think you should waste your valuable time on them. Surround yourself with the people who are real friends and don’t even bother with the others. There’s honestly no need to make a big drama out of it all – just cut them loose. It’s possible to have strong, close adult friendships for years without even a hint of a ripple, let alone a drama.

    Regarding the DH, my only advice is this – the 2 of your are just going to have to MAKE time to see each other, or else accept that it’s the wrong time and place for a relationship. You can’t keep going on like this.

  2. Steph Says:

    Is this the same dude who you wrote the 99 things about?

  3. Honey Says:

    Thanks Im. My life is always a drama. I try and make it not, but….well, Im also not stupid and know that if the only constant is you, then YOU are the problem.
    And since there has been so much drama, I have cut those people out of my life, for both our benefits. Its just hard to dump all your closest friends. Especially in one go. Its a huge turning point, hot on the heels of a couple of others, and its scary. I guess I just needed to hear someone confirm what I already knew. As for Dickhead, yeah, I know. Sigh.

    Steph, yeah, it is. And the problem is, after I wrote that post, for the next 3 days I kept thinking of things I left off. I started writing it down and got to 187 before I thought “this is RIDICULOUS” and stopped. Funny that when the 2 of us met, it was sposed to be a one off bit of fun, huh?

  4. SH Says:

    Read the email. For your own mental health, read it. Then feel all the things that you want to feel and are allowed to feel. Then choose.


  5. I’m a big believer of the friendship audit. Don’t be concerned about getting rid of crappy people. Fish in the sea and all that shite. Don’t worry about reading the email. Remove yourself from their life and if they value you they will attempt to make amends.

    As for the ‘boyf’ well, if the promise of great gobby won’t get him to ya nuthin will…


  6. I’m a big believer of the friendship audit. Don’t be concerned about getting rid of crappy people. Fish in the sea and all that shite. Don’t worry about reading the email. Remove yourself from their life and if they value you they will attempt to make amends.

    As for the ‘boyf’ well, if the promise of great gobby won’t get him to ya nuthin will…that, and you are supposed to be a person of importance in his life, and he in yours. If the effort can’t be made to see each other, then why bother…


  7. I’m a big believer of the friendship audit. Don’t be concerned about getting rid of crappy people. Fish in the sea and all that shite. Don’t worry about reading the email. Remove yourself from their life and if they value you they will attempt to make amends.

    As for the ‘boyf’ well, if the promise of great gobby won’t get him to ya nuthin will…that, and you are supposed to be a person of importance in his life, and he in yours. If the effort can’t be made to see each other, then why bother…or is bed just ornamental?


  8. erm…it seems like i went crazy with the commenting

  9. Kevin Cates Says:

    Hi

    If you have a Minute to Help a Family, Buy Them A Coke and a Hotdog, God Bless

    Kevin


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