So I was chatting to a friend this evening, about some dramas in his life, instead of dramas in mine which was nice, but not, and i called myself something.

Queen of Having No Clue

And so I thought, mid post, to delete all i had written and start again. Because this struck a cord with me. Now Im sure it comes as no surprise, but unlike others whom i read, I dont edit my posts. Whats here is exactly as I type it the first time round. I dont read over it. I dont use the backspace or delete key (or the insert one smart arses) unless i know as i type that i hit the wrong key. i dont spell check. NUTTIN.

Basically, I realised something. Certain friends of mine seem to BELIEVE the jokes about my wierdness. My non-conforming thought patterns. My freaky African shit. They have taken my differences and instead of laughing with me, have started laughing at me. And for a while, Ive been stupidly believing them, as you do when close friends whose opinions you trust tell you someone is a fool. Except this time the fool was apparently me.

Queen of Having No Clue.

A few friends have lied to me recently. Only small things. White lies, really. Spare people the hurt/embarressment kinda lies. Or the I-dont-want-to-say-no kinda lies. That wouldnt be a problem, had they not thought I believed their poor attempts. Just because I think the ways I do, doesnt make me an idiot. Just because I talk the way I do, live the way I do, like the things I like, relate to you the way I do, doesnt make me an idiot. And just because I think differently to you, doesnt make me wrong, nor an idiot. Im actually quite smart. I just hide it.

Queen of Having no Clue.

My teachers always knew i was smart. In primary school, I missed a whole term in year three, for reasons that dont matter for this story. This was right before the state wide skills test in maths and english. The other kids in my class got their scores. I did not. My parents were called. Everyone assumed it was because they were so low due to my missing so much school. Finally, the kids slowed down their teasing of me being so smart. Years later my parents told me what happened in that meeting. On overall scores, I came third in the state. They decided not to tell me, because i was already so bored at school and ahead of the other students. I sat for the Selective High School Test. I thought I failed because everyone complained how hard it was when we left the exam, and i thought it easy. A three hour exam, and i finished it in just over an hour. I walked it in. Fast forward through a heap of personal life dramas that would make your head spin, and heres me as a crazy teenager, rebelling, going off the rails in a massive way, living out of home trying to support herself, drug addicted, and skipping school so often they got a surprise when i WAS in class. I went to school every day to mark my name on the roll untill i had enough percentage score to be eligable for the School Certificate. They counted my atttendance in classes, maths added up to 10 periods for the YEAR. despite a severe case of chicken pox hitting, making me sick as, I got all Bs. Bs might be crap, but when you hadnt gone to class and had a massive fever, theyre pretty fucking spesh let me tell you. Yet I believed the people in my life telling me i was dumb and useless.

Queen of Having No Clue.

This was the point where i really went mental. Completely off the rails. And if im being honest, which I am, not only did i escape death a few times when it chased me down (or rather, when I stood sqaurely in its path and mooned it saying nah nah you cant get me) I also tried killing myself. And very nearly succeeded but for a very lucky twist of fate. For a few years, to varying degrees and in differing ways, I was completely out of control. People close to me expressed their concern, and professed their desire and attempts to save me. In fact, these were empty words. And in more than one case, an active ploy to drag me further down. I believed them and trusted them. And did as they suggested.

Queen of Having No Clue.

In the end, as it always is, I realised MYSELF what was happening. I made the decision to change. I left those people hurting me behind. I sought new people to align myself with. In short, I got my shit together. Mostly. Luckily for me I WAS as smart as I was, because somehow, through necessity more than planning probably, I had managed through all that to land myself a job, align myself with the proper network, move to a better job (better as in skill building and experience and learning, not as in pay etc) and do it again and again. I do fantasticly well at my vocation, and I excell at networking. People love me. Go figure. During this I had somehow managed to hide most of my crazy ways, and when i didnt, I slipped in front of people who were the kind of people to understand, care, and see the potential in me. For that I thank them now, even though I resented them at the time.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Finally, I had myself sorted out. Engaged. Great Job. Beautiful House. Savings Accounts. Cars. Friends. Life. Loads of sex. Really really good sex. Good man. Protector.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Insert story still too hard to tell, and still not sure i understand properly of what happened with ‘him’.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Pregnant. Alone. Homeless. Desolate. Friendless. Desperate. Hurting. Confused. Scared Shitless. Hopeless. Weak.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Insert story of overcoming odds, extreme hard work, massive risks, heartbreak, near disasters, actual disasters, and a million other things, bust mostly alot of trying and alot of effort, knowing i had no choice but to try, but never really sure if there even was a way out.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Testing of theories, ideas, beliefs, and alot of contemplation of events in my life. Alot of Oprah & Dr Phil-esqu moments and thought trains. Alot of discoveries. Alot of realisations. Alot of growing up. Alot of confidence in finally having things going right. The beginnings of the belief that the worst is over, and of things looking up and getting easier and better.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Last 9-12 months of realising alot of my conclusions were wrong. Of listening to other peoples opinions. Of trusting other people. Of cutting slack. Of compromising. Of caring.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Last few weeks of doubting myself. Of thinking I have no clue.

Queen of Having No Clue.

Explore posts in the same categories: The First 199

One Comment on “Me”

  1. Judging by the detail you must have some clue. Don’t forget the whole ‘lifes a journey’ shite…it makes it easier to negotiate the obstacles. Besides, fuck the others and remember that you’re number one. And don’t say Bugalugs is number one cos that’s crap…is Buga gonna feed ya and drive ya around? NO!

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