If the wind changes you’ll be stuck like that……

Rarely do I listen to my mother, mostly because she is a raving lunatic (SHUT UP) but occassionally she says stupid things so repetitively they get through my carefully cultivated security screen. Stupid stuff like the title.

So a few people have mentioned some changes around here. Very observant. So an explination then shall i? FINE.

I am not (contrary to the appearance of posts since changing to blogspot) a whingy whiny complainer. I am not soft. Im not a pushover. Im not an idiot. I dont need others to run my life.

The past 6-9 months has seen alot of changes. New people have come into my life, and others have left. Both directions have had huge impacts. Circumstances surrounding my life have changed. And the usual immense amount of pressure that is placed upon me by others as well as myself has doubled.

With strangers, I have a fantastic facade. With my absolute closest friends i am extremely open. However, there is still much I keep to myself, and even then, somethings i refuse to acknowledge, even to me. Just as 1 besty will know things the other doesnt, and vice versa. Consequently, no-one knows it all. Alot, yes, but not all.

Its about time I let a few things go. And as innapropriate a place this is, I dont much care. Because as those who know me (and in some instances, all of you now) know, for all my efforts to protect those I care about, not much effort has been returned.

So, for those who dont know, here are at least SOME of the things that have been going on. Some people have mentioned that as i dont give details, they read this blog for the “feel” of it. Well, dont touch the screen for a bit, mkay?

Those who came INTO my life includes DH, who has impacted in so many ways, not all of which he is aware of, or would even care about. Also PIA, who admittedly was there before, but recently bumped up our friendship to a whole other level.

Those who went out is a much longer list. Permanent listee’s would include G4D, whose death was such a big deal i couldnt even let it affect me. I know this makes no sense, just trust me that it makes sense to me. CQP also passed, of his own doing, leaving me feeling guilty for not having done more. Time and distance can only ease my concience so much, and his request that i not blame myself served only to make things worse. And MFC’s fiance’s murder has had far reaching effects.

Bugalugs’ foray into “big School” has cut my child free work time by more than half. This is a hard thing to adjust to, and I still struggle daily. So does he, but for other reasons, and those make me feel AWFUL.

Just before the end of last year, I became responsible for family decisions. Head of the tribe kinda stuff. Thats a heavy load to bear.

I stopped hiding that I have cancer. This, along with my reasons for hiding it, and for coming out with it, and for how I choose to handle it, has been the catalyst for many other changes.

A number of people extremely close to me have behaved appallingly. Most of those have refused to admit the dastardly nature of their behaviour. This has hurt and angered me. Alot. And tested MANY truths i hold close.

I have learnt new lessons, and re-tested old ones with varying results.

I have made some HUGE mistakes.

I have lost ALOT of money.

Every facet of my life has been turned upside down and shaken like a snowdome. Its still not settled. Until it does, I cant properly assess the damage, and im running around like a headless chook, working my arse off fixing things without even knowing what im doing.

Im tired of being the mother hen to my friends. Im tired of sucking it up and holding it in. Im tired of protecting others. Im tired of taking on all the responsibility. im tired of being a martyr. Im tired of being superwoman. its too much, i cant cope, and i shouldnt have to. Im tired of being patient. Im tired of waiting my turn, and putting others ahead of me. Because you know what? My time never seems to get around to coming.

Well its here.

All those times I stepped up for you? YOUR TURN NOW. I dont want to be repaid in full, just basically stay outta my way. I have enough to deal with. Fix your own stuff, stop adding to my load. And yes, I would like it, LOVE it actually, and really appreciate a little help with mine. Either take some off me, help me out with some, or just give me a break, or a distraction for a while. I need strength to all this, so dont pinch any, and fill me up with some if you can. You all know that it doesnt take much.

Im a single mum to a 5yr old boy with adhd and ocd, i run my own business, i look after my 2 ailing grandparents, i run a house, im there everytime a friend needs me, and i am fighting cancer. give me a god damn break would ya?

And anyone who suggests a prayer-circle, or any comments along those lines will be met with EXTREME FORCE. Just dont. Its bullshit. You either dont really mean it, or you do and it doesnt make a difference, so please dont insult me with it.

what am i asking for? i’ll clarify. Theres 3 levels
i absolutely MUST put my foot down now, and not accept any more exhorbitant requests for help. i HAVE to help me for a while, or im fucked. the kinda fucked you dont get back up from, not the good kind. and i have bugalugs, so that is NOT AN OPTION

for people to just let me get on with my shit without fucking it up for me. you dont have to make my shit better, just dont make it any worse, ok?

a little bit of help, and a bit more distracting. just a bit of fun, people.

And in the spirit of disclosure, and not for the ability to later claim “I told you so” or similar staut (although I reserve the right to if I so desire) heres my list of what i really feel like as of right now (which of course will change in 5 minutes as is my perogative vis a vis being a woman) and yes i do know its not all practicable, let alone likely!

  • for my asshole friends to return to being MY BOYS
  • for my snowdome to stop being shaken any more for a bit
  • for the snowdome SES to show up and lend me a tarp (please be cute, please be cute, you know how I like uniforms!)
  • for MFC to call with good news not bad for once
  • to sleep in one day
  • for my clients to pay what they owe without a major hassle
  • for my fone to stop ringing for a while
  • for a good, long, childless gossip session with MIN before her baby comes
  • for bugalugs to have a good day all day, just once
  • for one whole drama less day
  • to have a beer & footy night with my boys like it was
  • to hit the club with my girls like it was
  • to hang out with DH for a while without arguing or talking business
  • to wake up and find the cleaning fairies came and did my kitchen
  • for the possum in the roof to SHUT THE FUCK UP AT 3AM
  • and since im going all out with the honesty, i could really go a good session in the sack. im not asking for mind blowing sex (although it wont be rejected), Id just really like the time, and the situation, and the conditions for some no-pressure, take your time and just enjoy it, see how it goes, take it as it comes, lazy, laid back whatever-you-feel-like-doing sex. the kind that starts off slow, and finishes with a calm, happy soul.

hmmm, can you tell i havent gotten any in a while? lol

i dont care, thats what i feel like. if only i could have it. which makes me want it more. which makes it less likely. which makes me need it more. its a vicious cycle. and i wanna get off. i really do. but im not allowed off where i get it, and i wont get off where i dont. its fucked. im fucked. or not fucked. whatever. night.

Explore posts in the same categories: The First 199

2 Comments on “If the wind changes you’ll be stuck like that……”

  1. Ya poor bugger…that list of yours seems like the past is a lot better than the present. It crap when you realise that it’s not as good as it was but you’re really the only person that can change things. If you wait for the others to change it’ll be Christmas 2007.

  2. Imelda Says:

    Hun, there’s nothing I can do in practical terms to ease the load, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m with you in spirit. Having waded through my own pool of relentless excrement, I know exactly how you’re feeling at the moment… right down to how being sick affects everything else and makes it so much harder to manage all the balls in the air.

    Take care sweetie. I’ve got your back. xxx

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