thats all i have to say about that.

actually, no, its not.

FUCKTARDARY at is best, let me tell ya, is what their promoting over at 3 mobile. “3 is the magic number” says the song. Which in itself makes you want to breakout the heavy artillery, but lets move on to performance evaluation now shall we?

So in me, Orange had a loyal customer. Piggybacking off army towers did my reception when out bush a WHOLE LOTTA GOOD. No-one else for the past 6 years was able to make a call out west, but you could guarantee Honey could! So they announced the move from Orange to 3. Apparently they figured their customers where fucking retarded and a colour was too much for their brains to manage, so a number would be much simpler for us bogans. Thankyou. Sooooo appreciated that you are considerate of my needs when it comes to telecommunications, because obviously all i require is that i can spell the carriers name.

So, lets offer the mentally challenged a new handset and contract, yeah? YAY! Tell them its a limited offer. YAY! Get them to change over from orange CDMA to 3CDMA and resign on contract. YAY. Give them a new fone, leave them to figure out how to use the bastard which has 50million capabilities the network doesnt support, and then ……………… have it FUCK UP REPEATEDLY!

Now, if you will all kindly follow standard customer service protocols, and tell the lady very nicely that you dont give a shit what her issues are, she will just have to trek her arse down to the local repairer (by local, lets mean 40kms away) and be without a fone for a day while we look at it. Then lets tell her when she comes to collect it that it needs repairing (well duh, thats why you had it) and we will be shoving it in a drawer somewhere for the next 2-3 weeks, during which no you cant have a loan fone, and will pull it out 5 minutes before you collect it, bang it on the desk, shake it a couple o’ times, and hand it back all better as you walk through the door. And can we please have a number to call you on during this time in case we want to keep it a bit longer due to its fantastic ability to hold up my wonky desk? NO YOU FUCKING CANT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE MY FONE AND WONT GIVE ME A LOANER! then point out that as its cdma and therefore doesnt have a simcard, that i wouldnt be able to recieve calls anyway. THANKS

Right, so lets plod along with an unfixable fone, and when poor honey finally admits defeat and resigns herself to this peice of shit, we’ll mess around with the network and make every second call drop out. repeatedly. that’lll help, right?

So when she finally resigns herself to living with her insanity caused by all this, lets send her a letter saying that we are closing the cdma network and her recent upgrading adventures that cost her $538 to do because her son dropped her fone in the loo and flushed it (funny how they dont work after that, even when your besty tries drying it with her blowdrier for you, thanks foof) are now pointless.

At least the new fones free, right?

mmmm. but we will deliver it 2 days late, to the wrong address, and then bugger up the “authorised accepting person” details so its at the post office, on the counter in front of you, but you cant have it. But thats ok, coz when you call us to bitch, as you rightly do, we will tell you that the original 2-3 working days to deliver(because calling them business days is too technical for a bogan such as you) that we exceeded anyway, will now be 2-3 working days to process the cancelled order, then re-submit again will take 2-3 working days, so in 6 working days we can advise you when you can expect to recieve your phone, being approx (you guessed it) 2-3 working days after that. Oh, and heres a $10credit for the inconvenience, of which we dont accept liabilty for and can only credit you with if you promise that you accept it as a goodwill gesture, and nothing more.


So i trek down to the store, and rip it up their arse, hoping the presence of a suitably phsycho woman with adhd kid in tow who is sick too by the way, all up in your face in your tiny little store, will make you see reason and fix this shitfight. The guy looks at me, and says GET FUCKED! That being my comment not 2 seconds previous. He takes care of it all, jumping on the fone and organising a “handset swap”. Im just waiting on the email to authorise me to do it, it’ll be 5 minutes he says, offering me a coffee and his sincerest sympathy and shared disgust for the situation.


Still in the store. Guy still on the fone. Email still not here. 14 other calls have been made by him on my behalf. He looks at my son by this time sitting on the floor half asleep asking for dinner and bed, and says FUCK IT. im giving you your fone. rings to port my number across. spends 20 minutes explaining that no i did not specifically request that my number not be ported until november 8th, what the fuck? Finally. all sorted. he puts the thing together because he can see my mental condition is far from stable. All will be done within 2-3 hours he says. when my old fone stops working, turn the new one on and off you go.

oh, the naievety!

I get home, the stores and fone lines close, and my old fone stops. the new one doesnt start. sigh.

back to the store next morning, and finally, at 9.44 i have my new fone working.

now if i can just figure out how it works…….

so glad that i got a $10 credit. It so covers the cost of calls to their “care centre”. And parking at westfields. And petrol running back and forth.

And oh yeah, my time and inconvenience, and looking like a fucktard myself to clients who have been calling saying “what happened, we tried to call you and the message sounded like you hadnt paid your bill or something”


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