I dont care

I dont care what you think. I am doing whatever I please. And yes, dwelling on this is easier than worrying about the bigger thing i have going on later this morning.

So what we all knew would happen, did. DH didnt make it. He has a reason. And no, Im not saying it was good enough. I know what it is and what it means to him, and how big of a deal it is. I dont know if its enough of an excuse for me. I know its a big thing, and I also know it was a big thing for me too. And yes, Im tired of timing sucking being such a common thing. Especially when its important times to me.

And yes I do know that a large part of this is my fault. But not all of it. Some of it is his too, and he knows it. I guess Im just weary of being made to feel guilty, of being blamed, of his excuses being acceptable and mine not. Of him saying that isnt how it is, because it sure as fuck feels that way. I know Im being selfish, and I dont much care. I have a right to be selfish occassionaly, and thats something he himself has been advocating for me lately.

I dont know what it is. I cant walk away. I trust him. I believe him. I have faith in him. I dont believe he would intentionally hurt me. Like the gullible fool I most likely am, I continue to listen to his promises and rely on them. I keep getting let down. I keep getting hurt. I keep being dissappointed. And I keep coming back.

Theres something about him that I cant walk away from. Theres something about him that changes who I am. Theres something about him I feel is important. And I dont care if that seems crazy to you. Or to me. Its something I feel very strongly about. I truly feel that this is one of those people who you know for a reason. who is part of your life for a reason. Who has something you need. And until I get it, Im not leaving.

So laugh at me all you will. Thats fine. Think Im an idiot all you will. Thats fine too. But Im sticking it out.

And if Im proven wrong, so be it. At least I will have been true to myself. At least I wont be wondering if I missed out. At least I will know. At least I will have done all I could, and not blame myself for yet another thing I have fucked up.

I have faith. If my faith is misplaced, so be it. At least I had the balls to stand up for what i believe in. At least I had enough strength to say “this is something I want, so Im going after it”

If I look like a fool for wanting something and trying to make it work, and not giving up on it whilst it has even the slightest chance, then call me a fool. I’ll answer proudly.

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