desperate

ever been desperate to say something? to fuck off all the social implications, time constraints, and all the other bullshit and just say whats in your heart? im desperate to, and have been for a while. and ill explain all in a second, but let me get it off my chest now while i still have the courage.

im hurting. and lonely. and sad. and not getting what i need. from anyone. cant find it for looking. and have gone out of my comfort zone – far and frequently – and still cant get it. which makes me feel like a failure. im depressed, severely so. im tired, and anxious, and stressed beyond breaking point. im under immense pressure from many angles. im being pulled in too many directions. i have too many conflicting loyalties, interests and demands on my time. i cant think straight. im worried and scared about something big. im terrified and concerned about something even bigger. im not doing what i need. im letting people down. im struggling. im panicing. im drowning. i cant see my way out. im hurting. and lonely. and sad. and afraid.

im one of those people who live by their heart. problem is i live by my head too. they fight, those two, like cats & dogs. actually, more like two pitbulls, but anyway. there are some things i dont do. i used to say “dont do well”, now im smarter and more honest, and i severley suck, and can admit to it. i dont do being sick, or waiting, or being all woosy/girlie, or being all soft and smooshy. and im doing all those things right now with my fucking god damn mascara running.
im not a loner, i need my friends. and right now, for various reasons, none are available to give what i need. and only 2 i can think of really want to in the first place at the moment. they cant though, so its almost useless wanting to. and i cant help it. i need them SO bad right now, and for a few days (too scared to count them) that i almost dont care. i just need it. and not getting it is devestating. and this is possibly THE most soul baring thing ive ever written. ever. just hurry up and hit that publish button honey, before you lose your nerve.

i just really need a hug

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