im not talking about it

yes i realise how silly it is to post something im not talking about but fuck it i dont care

the shit has hot the fan big time. really big. and i can see its just going to get worse, not better, for quite some time.

its quite a personal thing. and a private thing. and it really hurts and upsets me. so much so that i dont want to talk about it. i dont want people picking sides, and i dont want people to think differently about me. and some of it i just dont want people to know about me. we all have secrets, and some you dont even want to admit to yourself. i certainly dont want for others to know about these things for which im not proud, and anyway, im a different person now. Id never behave like that now so why does it matter? it doesnt. take me for who i am now, not who i used to be.

the point however, was that this drama has implications for DH (in a round-about-unconnected-but-somehow-connected sort of way). So i had to tell him some of it. and i know he would be disapointed in what i had to tell him. i was worried hed be angry at me too. i still am. i can completely understand him feeling disappointed and angry, i am too, i just really hope that its directed at the issue, not at me. because id hate that. id have a bit of trouble with it actually. so last night and this morning i have been trying to guage his reaction. also because there will be further developments in this tomorrow, and if they go the way that other things have, well, its not going to be pretty i dont think. and he means too much to me to have something like this fuck up our friendship.

but i just cant help feeling a bit ******* that the rest of the implications for me dont seem to rate much of a mention. i dont know if im being overly sensitive, or what. but i tried really hard to remain calm and look at the whole picture last night while talking to him. I tried really hard to listen to everything he said, and try and see it in a way that he wasnt being selfish about his own thing and not paying attention to mine. mine is a big deal. a really big deal. now i know its to do with family, and thats something you dont get involved in, but.

thats a big but. i just really dont want to think that his own stuff (its big too, i know) is all he is concerned with. because i share that with him, albeit to a lesser extent, but also have the added thing (which im not saying) which is ENORMOUS and family-orientated and emotional to the extreme.

quite simply, if all he is concerned about is his own thing, and not the fact that my life is going to shit right now and i need some support, then he can fuck himself. because doing this for him is taking a huge toll on me. And if thats the way he handles this, then i dont see how i could think anything else but that thats all hes really in it for. and he should be in this for me, not what he can get out of it. maybe im being overly sensitive, i dont know, i certainly hope so. but ive also been here before, and im not letting myself be led blindly down that road again. ever.

so im keeping my eyes open, and my fingers crossed that im wrong. because i really want to be wrong.

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