i dont know which is worse

well, that title is a lie. i do know which is worse. but it does help to illustrate my point so fuck it, im leaving it there. and a quick warning – im sure this will be THE most disjointed post in the history of my blog and i dont give a fucking shit.

FGR you are a prick. the biggest prick i think i have ever known. (for all those NOT privy to the group-sms-thingy that we do, i used the “C” word last night to describe FGR) and to think you proported to love me. to have spent the past few years being like my big brother or something. i told you things. in secret. you knew how important your confidence was to me. and yet you broke it anyway. and sat there telling me to my face that you hadnt. you swore it to me. you fooled me like i have never been fooled before. I TRUSTED YOU. i trusted you so much, so implicitly. im still in shock. i still cant really believe it. i still think maybe i got it wrong somehow, because the idea of you fucking me like that is just too insane. it almost defies comprehension. but i do comprehend it. maybe too well. i know exactly what you have done, and i think i even know why. and that hurts even more.

you went so crazy over me lying to you that time. that 1 time that i did it, and you know why, i had no other choice. you went so ballistic at me. and the whole time you knew you had done, and were doing, what YOU did. i was so hurt and guilty and just totally went insane over doing that to you, and how it affected you. I CARED. i really cared. how hypocritical were you?

i cannot describe just how hurt and angry i am. how completely BETRAYED i feel. i dont even know what to say. and i cant even go to any of the other boys because you have involved them in your betrayal. they are all a party to this. so i went to DH. and i dont care how that makes you feel. not one little bit. because it is your own fault. stew in it you bastard.

i have said before to a couple of people, that there are only 2 people in this world that i truly HATE. i think that to really, truly, honestly and completely hate someone, you have to have loved them. love and hate. no stronger emotion or feeling exists than those. and they are opposites. well FGR consider yourself priveleged to have joined that exclusive list. the number is now 3.

i truly loved you. like family, but more, because you cant chose your family, and i chose you.

now i truly hate you. because i put so much into you. and you abused that. deliberately and on purpose and for your own end.

it goes to say something when i, honey, run out of swear-words and insults with which to sling at you. im so disgusted in you i almost dont want to think. and disgusted in myself for ever having felt otherwise. and everything i was ever grateful to you for has been so totally, utterly undone by what you have done, that i cant even care to try and even things out. i dont want to. not only do i not want you in my life anymore, but i also want to forget you ever were.

and as for not knowing whats worse, the other alternative to the whole you thing, is that im disgusted in myself too. for letting you do this to me. and for not being surprised that you did. and no, im not explaining that, but theres more to it than whats on the surface. that comment goes right to my core, and if i cared anymore i might spend time in solitude thinking about it, but sadly, i dont care. ive given up.

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