girls just wanna have fun

so im on a mission today. dont think i’ll succeed, but fuck im going to try.

last night i had a visitor which for various reasons, ended up with an arguement, and this is fast becomming a regular thing with this person.

and its one of the few people i dont want to argue with.

so today, i have decided, that me sitting there saying to them that i want to just spend time with them having fun and enjoying each others company is all well and good. but maybe its not up to them to give me what i want, maybe its up to me to go get it, just take it for myself.

because talking is getting us nowhere. either they dont get me, or i dont explain myself well, or bothm, whatever. the point is that issues i have arent getting resolved. its a fucking merry go round. over and over again we have the same conversations and nothing ever seems to move forward. and it sucks. i hate it. they hate it. so we do we do it?

well, i want my issues resolved. as they do im sure. we’re just not managing it for some reason. i have tried everything i can think of. ive tried to get him to see what my issues are and adjust how he does things or says things to reflect that he cares and respects my position (i dont want him to change, just adjust, which i do as well for him). ive tried to change the way I feel, to make things that matter seem not to matter so much. ive tried to think of things in a different way in order to not get upset or offended at what he says or does. Ive tried pointing out that i cant change myself so repeatedly and so drastically indefinately. that so many concessions are eating away at me, just as much or more than the original issue. ive tried to ask him to help me fix it, and ive tried fixing it myself. doesnt work. so now im onto final tactic. end game. last resort. because if this doesnt work, then i give up, i cant think of anything else. and am starting to think if its all so hard then i shouldnt be bothering, no matter how much i want to, or how determined i am.

so ive decided. im just going to take it from him. im just going to take the help i need, fuck asking for it and not getting it, fuck doing it myself. im just going to take it, and if he takes it back or refuses to give it, then thats what he does. nothing else i can do. and no matter what i did it wouldnt have made a difference.

and i guess if things go all fucked again, if theres more bad coincidences, if the universe once again conspires against us, that i will have no choice but to give up.

i mean, fun shouldnt be this much work, should it?

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