asking too much? part II

so.

progress. thats good at least.

i gave in and put his suggestions into practise. nothing eventuated even though it was promised.

oh yes there was an apology – quite a big one. and he did listen to my thoughts on it. he didnt offer an explanation (not really, no details, just something sketchy with the statement about if he could of he would of, believe him)

apologies are becomming a regular theme of our conversations. i want to accept it. im trying to accept it. im taking my faith in him and using it to adjust my thoughts to say that he must have had a damn good reason to let me down like that, especially considering the circumstances.

this however doesnt mean i cant be hurt or angry or dissappointed.

the worst part was that i gave him his requested chance to make it up to me. and he fucked it up. i know he tried. thats why i gave him the chance. i know he didnt mean to fuck it up. i gave him credit for not realising what a big deal today was, he is after all, male.

but how many chances does one person need? and how many should he get?

as i explained to him today…… theres only 2 ways to sort this. either i get over it, or he steps up and fixes it. He asked me to meet him half way. thats fair. i want it fixed, i do. i stayed up all last nite thinking of how to fix it. BUT……

* i have already adjusted the way i think on numerous things to accommodate him. much more adjusting and it will turn into changing myself, and im not doing that for anyone.
* i dont believe i am asking too much from him
* i dont believe im expecting more than is possible
* why should i be the one to keep adjusting? why cant he?
* i have more on my plate than he does, yet i can add to it for him, and not let him down
* why is it good for me but not for him?

he is important to me. i am willing to make accommodations for him. he is worth it. but how much is he worth? when does the price become too much? and is this how he feels? because if he does, i dont seem to be worth that much to him?

i guess i need to decide how much i WANT from him vs how much i NEED from him. Whether im going to get either. Whether getting what i need is enough to forgo what i want. Whether im willing to issue him with an ultimatum and risk losing it all. And how much longer I can let this continue without one before it eats me up.

Really – i think it already is eating me up.

And really – i think i just need some reassurance from him. not verbal – talk is cheap. I need action. And SOON. Like now. Because im terrified of issuing that ultimatum, and its getting to the point where thats all i have left.

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