a post inspired by RE

RE

who just discovered he exists. (on my blog at least – im sure he realised that he exists in the real world at some point previous to today)

who mentioned something about his blog this weekend that got me thinking (like thats a hard thing to do – but anyhoooooo)

this friend of mine was discussing the notion of killing his blog. his reasons are his own, and were explained to me, but shall remain between us. they arent important in the context of this blog (although even if they were i still wouldnt reveal them)

this got me to thinking about all the times i have considered the same thing myself, and even just deleting individual posts, and even just editing them afterwards……… something im sure everyone who blogs has considered, if not actually done (unless you are one of those mindless plebians who write nothing of substance, and therefore cannot have any regrets about content or the way statements may be percieved)

personally, i have made a promise to myself never to delete, or even edit a post once it is written. i go so far as to not even edit as im typing (hense the occasional incoherrant rambling) unless it has to do with spelling, grammer, or for readability (yes i hear you sniggering)

obviously i am aware as i write that others are going to read it (see last bracketed comment for example) however i do my best to not let this influence what i write, or how i write it. RE and i discussed a fellow blogging friend of his who deleted a post because of how he thought it would make people percieve him. Im quite sure that people get the wrong impression occassionaly from what i write here, just as they do from having a conversation with me. not everyone can articulate themselves exactly the way they want to 100% of the time, and even if they could, you just cant account for how the other party will take it. there WILL be misinterpretations. i especially wonder about this occasionally in relation to my blog because the majority of the time i am using it to express how i feel – something that is never particularly easy to do.

sometimes i wonder how people take my posts (some in particular). sometimes i dont give a shit. most the time i simply feel that whether or not the reader understands me, takes it the right way, or even bothers to get all the way to the end (i know – i talk alot) that those friends who read this know me well enough to understand the basic sentiment behind it, and know i am a good person regardless of what i may think or feel at the time of writing, and those who read that i am not friends with, well, i dont really care – thats not my problem, its theirs.

i try hard to write my blogs when i FEEL something. if thats a nice feeling, or one of those ugly emotions to me isnt important. the main purpose of this blog is for me to express how i FEEL. sometimes i feel good. sometimes i dont. i personally dont think either side of the coin is better or worse than the other – their both things we all experience, and are as valid as each other. i live by my heart. emotion and instinct are what drives me. that doesnt mean im not intelligent – i am. i simply feel that emotion is what drives us, makes us who we are, inspires the decisions we make, focuses our thoughts in specific directions. and just as people express their mental thoughts as reasoning behind their actions, i express my emotional thoughts as well.

more than once someone has come to me after reading my posts and told me how they didnt understand why i did something. until they read this. and realised that my behaviour, although crazy to them at the time, suddenly became clear, because they could see the big picture. just as i could. because sometimes………..theres more going on with people than you realise.

and as i keep saying, as i believe in, and live my life by, NOTHING in life is insular. its ALL connected. whether you see the ties or not, they are there. i guess this blog simply helps to show where i make those connections. and these connections arent something that i want to hide. these are the things that show how my mind works. how i feel, and how i think, is what makes me who i am.

which i why i wont delete them. as ugly as they get, they are still me. and finally, im not ashamed of me anymore. not a single part of me. not the whole package. im not hiding any more. like it or not, this is me. im not changing for anyone besides myself. if this blog opens a discussion about whether one of my choices is right or not, thats fine, go ahead. im not afraid to challenge myself or what i believe. i welcome it. because either way, i either prove to myself my choice was right (for me) or i learn i was wrong and am given the opportunity to improve. BUT – it wont be you who makes that choice, it will be me. because at the end of the day, im the one who has to live with it, so i sure as hell better believe in it.

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