words

i believe your soul speaks to you. thats the voice you hear in your head. thats who you talk to when you talk to yourself. thats the thing that stops you from doing stupid things at the last possible moment, and that pushes you to do the things you think later “gee, i dunno why I did that, but i sure am glad i did”. there are lots of times when your soul speaks to you. I have learnt to listen.

then there are times when your soul screams at you. says things no one else can hear, even when you think theyre so loud that others simply MUST be able to, because you cant hear anything else.

its like when your mother calls you in that special voice she reserves for when your REALLY in deep shit. you can pretend not to hear her all you want, but your whole self – mind, body and soul – is on edge, knowing you cant avoid it, its coming whether you like it or not. whether your ready or not.

sometimes you continue to hide. to pretend you didnt hear it. and live waiting for it to come back and get you, you know it will, its just a matter of time.

sometimes you bite the bullet and face it. get it over and done with. out in the open, where you can face it, come to terms with it, and move on, for better or worse. sometimes its a sore arse, sometimes its just an earbashing, and sometimes it wasnt a problem at all. then theres the times where it was a “wait till your father gets home” kind of thing.

its the not knowing i found the hardest. i could never reconcile myself with the uncertainty. i hated never being sure if i was going to really cop a hiding & feel like my life wasnt worth living………… or maybe it was one of those rare times she used that voice just to tease, and really she had some fantastic surprise for me that i was missing out on by hiding from her. (to this day, with the childhood i had, i still dont know wheher this was her attempt at making things up to me, or just another cruel torture she had dreamt up)

so now, as an adult (so it says on my drivers license anyway) i have trouble with the not knowing.

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